Get short, timely messages from Rahm Emanuel.

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  1. And now all I can hear is that music, and suddenly everything just fucking... Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:40:45 PM via web
  2. I can see a thousand fucking skylines, and they are all as motherfucking glorious as the first, and I can feel the touch of my friends. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:39:08 PM via web
  3. Quaxelrod flies over, and dips his little head, touching my fading shoe. Hambone just curls softly between my invisible legs. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:37:28 PM via web
  4. Carl the Intern can't even make eye contact, but he's reaching out, and I touch his hand. And he says, "I love you," and I say "I know." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:34:27 PM via web
  5. And that song's still playing from the car radio, on a never-fucking ending loop from hell. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:32:45 PM via web
  6. And I can see myself starting to fade out, and I hear Axelrod whispering the fucking Kaddish quietly to himself, tears streaming. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:31:38 PM via web
  7. And then the sky fucking opens up on us, and there's chunks of ice flying down. And it's pretty clear that the party's over. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:26:17 PM via web
  8. FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING TIME VORTEX. I FUCKING LOVE DANCING WITH MY FRIENDS. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:07:09 PM via web
  9. And we've pulled the Civic over, turned up "Separate Ways," and we're fucking dancing out here on the motherfucking streets! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:04:44 PM via web
  10. We're driving down Elston when, all of a fucking sudden Axelrod's radio starts working. It's playing that fucking Journey song! Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:02:07 PM via web
  11. Picked up Carl the Intern at Lane Tech, after his mathletes practice. Carl's first words: "There's not much time left." Motherfuck. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 6:53:30 PM via web
  12. Knowing I'm entering a time vortex tonight would be a lot more tolerable if I could get Journey's "Separate Ways" out of my fucking head. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 5:44:58 PM via web
  13. Tossing bread to Quaxelrod under the Cortland street bridge. The view from here is motherfucking incredible. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 4:28:57 PM via web
  14. Driving around in Axelrod's Civic, doing loops around the block outside Chico's offices, my ass hanging out of the missing window, laughing. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 3:16:41 PM via web
  15. Watching Axelrod eat at Manny's is like watching Da Vinci paint the motherfucking Mona Lisa: a work of art. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 12:54:27 PM via web
  16. And we sit down and plan out one last, perfect, day: Lunch at Manny's, mooning Chico, tossing fucking bread to Quaxelrod. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:15:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  17. And we hug, and I give Axelrod that look that asks, "Are you going to be OK?" And he gives me that look that says "Who fucking knows." Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:11:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  18. "There must be something we can do..." But there's not. Only things that fucking suck never end: look at laundry, or dishes. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:05:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  19. Axelrod looks up, tears filling his eyes and says, simply, "don't go." Fucking time portals are a son of a bitch. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:58:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  20. We're sharing a cup together in the crawlspace, and I can tell that Axelrod's trying not to cry by the way his mustache fucking quivers. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:50:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  21. They'd better have coffee in the parallel fucking dimension I'm descending into tonight, or I'm breaking right back out. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:45:01 AM via Seesmic for Android
  22. Motherfucking coffee, I'm going to drink you like there's no goddamn tomorrow. Wednesday, February 23, 2011 7:37:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  23. This party's going to go all fucking night. Fuck you, tomorrow, you're just gonna have to wait. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 11:21:47 PM via web
  24. @michellemalkin Just so we're perfectly fucking clear here: You're a crazy fucking shitwad. Enjoy your night. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 10:52:05 PM via web in reply to michellemalkin
  25. And I dive into the crowd, and their hands hold me up, and together we are fucking one. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:47:52 PM via web
  26. "But tomorrow is tomorrow, and TONIGHT'S A FUCKING PARTY. LET'S GO CHICAGO!" Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:45:55 PM via web
  27. "And sure, to save the fucking world I have to disappear into a time vortex tomorrow. But being mayor is about making hard decisions." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:41:46 PM via web
  28. "Through everything-- through assholes, through cockholes--I've had two things: The people of Chicago, and my fucking friends." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:39:06 PM via web
  29. "I've held the motherfucking pulsating heart of Chicago in my hands, and I know that it beats true." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:35:18 PM via web
  30. "I've slept in an igloo and I've slept in a crawlspace and I've slept under a bridge. But as long as I was asleep in Chicago, I didn't care. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:33:42 PM via web
  31. "I've learned that this is Chicago and that CHICAGO DOESN'T FUCKING QUIT, NOT FUCKING EVER." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:31:38 PM via web
  32. "But to the rest of you, I've talked with a fuck-ton of you and I've learned about your resiliency, about your spirit." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:29:49 PM via web
  33. "The motherfuckers that contested my residency, you've got some great days ahead of you, I fucking promise you that." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:26:16 PM via web
  34. "FUCK YES CHICAGO! This has been a long fucking campaign. The other assholes didn't stand a chance, but they put up a good fight." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:25:18 PM via web
  35. Quaxelrod soars down from the balcony and lands gently on my shoulder. I stroke his downy fucking feathers and begin. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:19:35 PM via web
  36. Turns out crowdsurfing your way up to a stage takes a long fucking time. OK, victory speech--let's fucking do this. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:17:51 PM via web
  37. I'M FUCKING RIDING ON THE BODIES OF THE MEN AND WOMEN OF CHICAGO, AND I FUCKING LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:01:55 PM via web
  38. Fuck the fucking champagne slide, I'm just going to jump out of this fucking window and bodysurf to the fucking stage. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:00:15 PM via web
  39. Axelrod and I are double-fisting beers right now, smashing the empties on our foreheads. IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT TO BE ALIVE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:57:48 PM via web
  40. Elected mayor tonight. Sucked into a time vortex tomorrow. Might as well KICK THIS PARTY OFF RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:37:10 PM via web
  41. Carl the Intern just ran in, with a notebook full of fucking numbers, his eyes wet with tears. "The time vortex: It'll close tomorrow." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:33:34 PM via web
  42. Just think about how much fucking more incredible this would feel if the Bears had won the Superbowl too. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:27:43 PM via web
  43. If you have a giant fucking pile of money and a bunch of dumb fucks running against you, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:14:45 PM via web
  44. Hey Halpin, I'll give you until the end of the fucking night to start packing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:09:03 PM via web
  45. STUPID FUCKS AT WGN CALLS IT TOO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:08:02 PM via web
  46. Quaxelrod's already taking motherfucking a fucking victory flap around the rafters of the ballroom. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:04:40 PM via web
  47. Ari's on the mic bringing the fucking noise downstairs. Mainly just bitching out the caterers. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 8:01:25 PM via web
  48. The big plan for tonight: We've got a champaign fountain from the top of the ballroom to the stage. I'm going to fucking ride down it. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:53:46 PM via web
  49. These motherfucking robotic vote counting machines are kind of fucking incredible, aren't they? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:51:08 PM via web
  50. CNN FUCKING CALLS IT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:49:24 PM via web
  51. The party is kicking the fuck off in the ballroom below. And I'm fucking seven beers in up here. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:47:50 PM via web
  52. FIFTY FOUR MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:43:00 PM via web
  53. Axelrod's in with the early results: 51 motherfucking percent. Still a long night, but SUCK ON THAT, CHICO. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:36:20 PM via web
  54. Jesus fucking christ. Time to start fucking drinking. Axelrod--beer me! Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:07:17 PM via web
  55. 7:00. Here goes motherfucking nothing. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:04:36 PM via web
  56. Time to head in to start watching results. I'm wearing a single glove over my invisible hand, motherfucking MJ style. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 6:11:27 PM via web
  57. Everyone's talking runoff, but I know it's a victory. My fingerstump disappeared this morning and now the rest of the hand is fucking going. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:35:12 PM via web
  58. Axelrod and Hambone are standing outside the Civic, Hambone's taking a shit, Axelrod's checking exit polls. There's a fucking metaphor. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:26:53 PM via web
  59. Carl and the InternCorps are on balloon duty at the party space. Ari's over there too, rearranging fucking everything. Again. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:25:31 PM via web
  60. Sitting in the backseat of Axelrod's Civic practicing these fucking speeches. Quaxelrod's giving notes. So far, he's unimpressed. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:25:07 PM via web
  61. @TheFix Ran the idea past Carl the Intern. He says it would destroy the entire space/time continuum. Great fucking thinking, Einstein. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 5:22:02 PM via web in reply to TheFix
  62. Carl the Intern wrote two speeches for me, one for winning and one for a runoff. There's a lot more motherfucking profanity in the latter. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 4:40:19 PM via web
  63. VOTE, BITCHES. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 3:11:58 PM via web
  64. Get Out the Nap was exactly what was fucking needed. Now we're driving old people to the polls. Ari's hitting on most of them. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 2:33:20 PM via web
  65. Fifteen motherfucking Get Out The Vote rallys and it's barely even noon. Might have to hold a Get Out The Nap rally later. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 12:09:27 PM via web
  66. Anyone that isn't voting today because of the snow is a motherfucking asshole. Or an invalid--OK, you've got a good excuse. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:54:01 AM via web
  67. @alexismadrigal I have a motherfucking election to win, and possibly a time vortex to dissolve into. You think I have fucking time to reply? Tuesday, February 22, 2011 9:53:18 AM via web in reply to alexismadrigal
  68. Axelrod's right. Whatever the motherfucking outcome, we've got a fucking election to win. LET'S DO THIS. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:19:34 AM via web
  69. "I don't know nothing about infinite fucking Chicagos," Axelrod says. "I only know this one. And polls have been open for an hour." Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:18:12 AM via web
  70. And when he says it, Quaxelroad lets out the saddest fucking quack-moan you've ever heard a duck make. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:11:55 AM via web
  71. Carl the Intern's filled an entire fucking chalkboard with equations by the time I'm done talking. "Daley's right," is all he says. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:11:17 AM via web
  72. @ShiaKapos Yeah, well don't believe everything you read in the fucking newspaper. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:06:22 AM via web in reply to ShiaKapos
  73. I'm drinking coffee and explaining everything that happened last night. Axelrod looks so surprised his fucking mustache might fall off. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:05:14 AM via web
  74. HOLY FUCK, if there's any fucking day in the world that I need coffee, it is this fucking day. Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:01:51 AM via web
  75. And, before I can try to figure out what the fuck Daley's on about, the bag is back on my head, and everything goes black. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:51:14 PM via web
  76. "Which means," and he looks at me now there are fucking tears on his face, "that one of you won't survive this election." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:48:19 PM via web
  77. And Daley looks at me deadly fucking serious and says, "Which means there are two of you here, in this world, in this time." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:45:45 PM via web
  78. Except. Except something feels fucking wrong. "You notice it too," says Daley. "There's one you missing." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:38:32 PM via web
  79. And I look and... and it's Chicago--again and again. And tiny, in the corner, peering up at me, is... me. Thousands. Millions. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:36:31 PM via web
  80. "There's not just one Chicago. There's not just one you. It's infinite. And we keep the portal," and he gestures for me to fucking look in. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:31:31 PM via web
  81. Daley lifts the lid of the grill, his body straining under the weight. And suddenly I don't want to fucking know what's inside. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:28:01 PM via web
  82. "The mayor doesn't just run Chicago," Daley says, walking over to the grill. "You need to understand what's really at stake here." Monday, February 21, 2011 9:24:17 PM via web
  83. There's a whirring sound and then, up from the center of the dome rises an oversized charcoal grill. What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 9:21:08 PM via web
  84. "There's something else." Daley breaks the silence, his voice cracking just a fucking little. He flips a switch on the wall. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:18:49 PM via web
  85. "It blooms year-round, thanks to them," he says quietly. And we're just looking, standing, breathing the thick moist air. Together. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:10:26 PM via web
  86. I search the ground for three small pebbles. Daley's fucking silent while I place one on each of the gravestones. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:07:38 PM via web
  87. Daley points to the headstones. "They're here with us, always. Harrison, Washington, Dad." He chokes up on that last one. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:05:11 PM via web
  88. And it's then that I notice for the first fucking time that, nestled amid the stalks of celery are three modest headstones. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:59:54 PM via web
  89. He hands me a small pinch of powder and the sharp taste of celery salt crosses my lips. "Our legacy," he says, and points to the stalks. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:58:18 PM via web
  90. Daley fucking plucks a stalk. "Care for these. Let flowers bloom. Dry them. Harvest the seeds. Grind them. Mix with salt." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:53:22 PM via web
  91. It's so warm and beautiful in the dome--green everywhere--and the air is pungent with the smell of... is that fucking celery? Monday, February 21, 2011 8:50:06 PM via web
  92. We're on the roof of City Hall. The wind is fucking strong and the snow stings when it hits my face. Daley heads into a glass dome. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:47:31 PM via web
  93. And Daley's gesturing for me to follow him, and suddenly we're out a window and heading up a motherfucking fire escape. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:38:49 PM via web
  94. And suddenly Daley's tears are gone, and they're replaced by anger. "Don't fuck all this up. There's so much more than you know." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:37:06 PM via web
  95. "And I've made a little calendar of all the secretaries' birthdays. Don't forget." If I didn't know better, I'd think Daley was welling up. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:33:24 PM via web
  96. "And Magdalena, she cleans up on alternating nights. If you have shit you don't want thrown out, make sure you put it away." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:30:40 PM via web
  97. "So the toilet, just down the hall, you need to jiggle the handle after you flush." Daley's not really making eye contact. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:29:50 PM via web
  98. "Look, there are some things you need to know. " I'm here! In his office! In City fucking Hall! Monday, February 21, 2011 8:28:50 PM via web
  99. Daley helps me up, his hands fucking envelop my arms completely. "Sorry again, but we needed to talk tonight. Can't take chances." Monday, February 21, 2011 8:26:47 PM via web
  100. I pull my head up from the marble floor and there, standing above me, is the massive fucking frame of Mayor Daley. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:20:32 PM via web
  101. "Sorry for the drama, but it's not like I could just invite you over here for tea." My fucking eyes start to come into focus. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:19:33 PM via web
  102. I'm still blinking, and the light is grinding a migrate into being, when I hear a voice fucking boom out from above me. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:17:42 PM via web
  103. I'm fucking gasping when the bag comes off. We've been driving around for an hour, clearly trying to confuse me. It worked. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:15:26 PM via web
  104. They're down in the snow, pummeling each other. And I don't even notice the figure behind me until the bag's already over my head. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:41:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  105. And now we're all standing outside and Axelrod's yelling "LET'S GO, ASSHOLE!" at Ari. He really loves his fucking car. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:34:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  106. "Fucking Spielberg alone gave you enough to buy a fucking Beemer, and you're driving around in this shit?" Uh oh--Axelrod's pulling off. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:27:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  107. "Hey, how come your fucking radio doesn't work? What kind of piece of shit car is this?" And I can see Axelrod turning red. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:19:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  108. "I had no clue that the prerequisite for running for mayor was chopping your balls off." We're stuck in fucking stop and go traffic. Monday, February 21, 2011 6:05:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  109. "How come every news clip I see of you, you're acting like a giant walking hernia?" He's here for two fucking days. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:54:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  110. "Nice blanket, Linus. Fix the fucking airport once your mayor, OK asshole?" Motherfucking Ari. My brother's here. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:40:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  111. Wrapped in a blanket while riding shotgun in the Civic on the way to get Ari from the airport. The wind is cold through the missing window. Monday, February 21, 2011 5:18:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  112. The snow's delayed Ari's plane for a couple hours. Probably best if it were delayed until motherfucking Wednesday. Monday, February 21, 2011 3:36:37 PM via web
  113. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Whoever thought it was a good idea to have an election in February was a fucking asshole. Monday, February 21, 2011 2:11:55 PM via web
  114. Fuck you, snow. Nobody fucking wants you here. Go the fuck away. Monday, February 21, 2011 1:05:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  115. Then he had to go running back to the Civic because Axelrod called out that "We need more Corps in sector 2814." What the fuck? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:09:43 AM via web
  116. Asked Carl how things were going, and he said "In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight." The fuck does that mean? Monday, February 21, 2011 10:05:58 AM via web
  117. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are directing the InterCorps from "the command center"--a laptop and a map in the backseat of the fucking Civic. Monday, February 21, 2011 10:02:51 AM via web
  118. When I run for reelection, I'm having a motherfucking hand-shaking robot built. Monday, February 21, 2011 9:01:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  119. Let's just keep the motherfucking coffee coming, non-fucking stop. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  120. Hambone just brought the schedule: (1) shake 10,000 voters' hands (2) pick up Ari from the airport (3) keep Ari away from voters. Fuck. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:22:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  121. Fucking shit fuck. Motherfucking overslept on the last fucking full day of campaigning. Monday, February 21, 2011 8:06:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  122. Floating in my basement, watching TV with friends, drinking cold beer, 34 hours before polls open: fucking living the dream. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:58:43 PM via web
  123. Also: We've got our beer down under the floodwater, and Quaxelrod dives down when we need new cans. Ice fucking cold. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:45:23 PM via web
  124. I mean, yeah, all those people are fucked, but they're going to fucking go down fighting. Also important: Martin Lawrence is hilarious. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:43:41 PM via web
  125. And maybe it's the fucking beer talking, but I see those shots from inside the fucking rotunda, and I just get weepy. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:41:38 PM via web
  126. We're just bobbing around in this flooded crawlspace flipping between repeats of Martin and news from motherfucking Wisconsin. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:37:35 PM via web
  127. @paulgamboa who fucking died and made you the Home Depot? Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:27:42 PM via web in reply to paulgamboa
  128. Duck-taped a TV to the ceiling of the crawlspace and found some pool floats to sleep on. It's like living inside a fucking waterbed: amazing Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:23:01 PM via web
  129. @lynnsweet You don't want to mess with the black swan, bitch. Sunday, February 20, 2011 3:29:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  130. @lynnsweet Fuck that shit. Dance-off or nothing, Lynn--you first. Sunday, February 20, 2011 2:21:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lynnsweet
  131. Now let's go dump some fucking Chico signs in potholes brimming with dogshit-infused rainwater runoff. Sunday, February 20, 2011 2:04:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  132. Two more motherfucking days of this campaign, and if flying through the air free as a bird is the best there is, well I'll fucking take it. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:56:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  133. And I hit the mat and stick the landing and everyone's cheering except Jesse White who just gives me this awesome fucking two-finger point. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:44:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  134. AND I'M FLYING THROUGH THE AIR AND I WISH THIS MOMENT COULD LAST FOR FUCKING EVER. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:37:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  135. And everyone's cleared the way, made a space for me to run at the fucking springboard. And now I'm running as fast as I can. Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:35:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  136. Now everyone's fucking cheering--Jesse White, the Tumblers, the people eating--and one of the Tumblers calls out, "The runway's all yours!" Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:31:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  137. The Tumblers are fucking amazing, flying right over the people eating. Each flip brings them closer to the ceiling. Beautiful! Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:24:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  138. It's too wet to tumble outside, so the Tumblers have set up their mats and springboard here in the motherfucking restaurant. Yes! Sunday, February 20, 2011 1:03:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  139. Lunch with the Jesse White Tumblers. This gray fucking day just got a whole lot brighter. Sunday, February 20, 2011 12:34:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  140. Lynn Sweet thinks she's being cute publishing that old photo of me in a leotard. MOTHERFUCKING DANCE OFF, LYNN. LET'S GO. Sunday, February 20, 2011 11:12:06 AM via web
  141. Quaxelrod's fucking loving it though, bobbing his way around all the board games and action figures floating around down there. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:59:30 AM via web
  142. Spent the morning bailing out the crawlspace. Our sleeping bags are fucking soaked. Just fucking perfect. Sunday, February 20, 2011 10:51:28 AM via web
  143. Holy shit, the crawlspace is flooding! MOTHERFUCK YOU RAIN! Sunday, February 20, 2011 9:35:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  144. Carl calls them The InternCorps, they're all wearing these fucking green rings. "We'll be fine, as long as Chico's not wearing yellow." Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:48:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  145. Carl the Intern has been training a legion of volunteers this week. Chicago, prepare to get motherfucking hang tagged. Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  146. Coffee! You are motherfucking wonderful! Let me carry you gently in my goddamn belly! Sunday, February 20, 2011 8:06:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  147. @Dornando If I had the energy to lift this box, I could assure you that you're fucking wrong, you dumb fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 3:21:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Dornando
  148. Jesus fucking Christ, Samoa crash. I can't even fucking move. Saturday, February 19, 2011 3:12:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  149. Girl Scouts on Cottage Grove! I am going to fuck up this box of Samoas! Saturday, February 19, 2011 2:54:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  150. Motherfucking canoe races in Washington Park. Quaxelrod is smoking everyone's ass. Saturday, February 19, 2011 1:15:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  151. This city is at its absolute ugliest when the snow melts. Fucking drifts of weeks-old Cheeto bags and Snickers wrappers. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:55:23 AM via web
  152. With all the snow melted, it takes Hambone about an hour to make it around one fucking block because of the mountains of shit he can sniff. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:34:48 AM via web
  153. OK, you sunny, chilly Saturday, prepare to get fucked. Saturday, February 19, 2011 9:26:35 AM via web
  154. Hey Boehner--fuck you, you stupid orange fuck. Saturday, February 19, 2011 8:59:15 AM via web
  155. I am the motherfucking donut king this morning. Saturday, February 19, 2011 8:42:53 AM via web
  156. HOLY FUCK, THE MOON IS MOTHERFUCKING ENORMOUS. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:04:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  157. @LakeviewGreg why on gods motherfucking green earth would I follow any of you assholes? Friday, February 18, 2011 5:19:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to LakeviewGreg
  158. 5:00! Motherfucking Friday fucking night starts right goddamn now. Friday, February 18, 2011 4:59:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  159. He also won't let me hang a tire swing from the Hancock Building or sleep in the dolphin tank at the Shedd. Four days of fucking suck. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:58:14 AM via web
  160. Axelrod shot down my plan: Greet voters in a little booth under the Bean, because shit looks fucking CRAZY down there. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:55:19 AM via web
  161. In strategy sessions all morning. It's four fucking days people, how hard can it be? Show up places, shake hands, don't be an ass. Friday, February 18, 2011 11:41:23 AM via web
  162. Holy fuck, by the end of this weekend my shaking hand might just fall clean off. Friday, February 18, 2011 9:11:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  163. Up all night last night and this coffee is not fucking helping at all. Five more days of this motherfucking campaign. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:33:36 AM via web
  164. Choking down coffee in a Mobil station on the way back from Rockford. It's like drinking motherfucking rotgut. Friday, February 18, 2011 7:29:32 AM via web
  165. Waterslides, Feingold, beer brats, whiskey, and some motherfucking crazy-ass Wisconsin Senators. I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:57:41 PM via web
  166. Axelrod fucking owns this waterslide. He's fucking up there, calling out types of cheeses, and sending senators flying down. "Fontina!" Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:47:27 PM via web
  167. Feingold just showed up with a case of whiskey and a couple of pool noodles. This motherfucking party's going all night. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:39:05 PM via web
  168. Hey Wisconsin, fuck you for winning the Superbowl, but your motherfucking Senators are bad-ass. Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:27:56 PM via web
  169. Holy shit, Rockford sucks. But these Wisconsin Dems are fucking awesome. Beer bongs and waterslides, bitches. Thursday, February 17, 2011 9:25:20 PM via web
  170. Axelrod and I just loaded the Civic up with beer. We're heading out to Rockford to fucking party with the exiled Wisconsin Democrats. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:50:39 PM via web
  171. Ron Majors, motherfucking beer me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:00:05 PM via web
  172. LAST DEBATE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING RACE, I MADE YOU MY BITCH. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:59:17 PM via web
  173. Of all the debates I've been to, I think that Ron Majors, Captain Boring, and Fake Arianna Huffington are doing a pretty fucking good job. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:52:33 PM via web
  174. If a casino actually ends up in Chicago, I swear to god, I'll never see Axelrod again. Slot fucking jockey. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:49:35 PM via web
  175. I want to hire Del Valle to read me bedtime stories. He opens his mouth and a motherfucking Therm-a-rest mattress comes out. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:47:52 PM via web
  176. I'm so glad I'm wearing my unicorn T-shirt under this suit. When I get down, I just think of that golden fucking horn, and I feel better. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:39:33 PM via web
  177. Oh good, we've reached the "everyone shit on Rahm" part of the debate. It's cool, I'll go get my motherfucking raincoat. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:35:52 PM via web
  178. I'm working on a sudoku when the camera's off me, and Jesus fucking Christ, it's making me fucking nuts. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:21:54 PM via web
  179. I am still 100 percent fucking positive that this debate would be way fucking better if we were using muppets. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:15:27 PM via web
  180. Hambone is still fucking pissed at me for the dog grooming tax. He's been getting extra walks to make up for it. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:09:22 PM via web
  181. She might be completely motherfucking crazy, but Braun's new haircut is fierce. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:05:02 PM via web
  182. OK, bitches. Let's debate this shit. This shit is so fucking ON. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:01:14 PM via web
  183. Wait a second--Del Valle has a motherfucking ventriloquist's dummy... nobody told me there was a fucking talent portion! Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:53:00 PM via web
  184. I'm walking around backstage just headfaking the fuck out of everyone. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:49:51 PM via web
  185. Also, it's fucking disappointing that the League of Women Voters aren't going to let us come in with pyro and entrance music. What the fuck. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:41:25 PM via web
  186. Who thought inviting 2000 people to this last debate was a good idea? Might as well have built the fucking Thunderdome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:37:31 PM via web
  187. Jesus fucking Christ, it's fucking nuts with puddles out here. Thursday, February 17, 2011 6:20:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  188. Holy shit, have you been outside yet? It's fucking warm! Let's do the debate outside, pool-party style. Thursday, February 17, 2011 3:31:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  189. Debate prep: If someone wheels in that Jeopardy-playing computer, I've got a motherfucking hammer at the ready. Thursday, February 17, 2011 1:06:47 PM via web
  190. Debate prep: If we end up in a dance-off, those other motherfuckers are fucking done. Black Swan, bitches! Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:33:01 PM via web
  191. Debate prep: In a pickup game, if it looks like Chico's going in for a dunk, it's better to draw the foul by throwing a fucking elbow. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:31:10 PM via web
  192. Debate prep: If it turns into a running race, my size gives me a distinct advantage in the 50 and 100. Distance may be a fucking problem. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:27:55 PM via web
  193. Debate prep: If I'm challenged to a motherfucking duel, do it with swords not pistols. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:23:38 PM via web
  194. Debate prep: How to deflect all oncoming assaults from other candidates, up to and including being set on fire. Stop, drop and fucking roll. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:19:51 PM via web
  195. Axelrod thought that sounded like a good idea, and just took a swing at me. So I'll be the candidate on stage with a shiner. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:10:25 PM via web
  196. I swear to fucking god, the prep in the afternoon may as well just be Fight-Club style: free fucking hits, come and get 'em. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:06:48 PM via web
  197. An entire morning of prepping for an ass fucking of a debate. Every candidate's last chance to get a shot in. Fuck me. Thursday, February 17, 2011 12:05:15 PM via web
  198. All day prep for the final debate tonight on a hangover from hell. Someone keep the coffee motherfucking coming. Thursday, February 17, 2011 8:35:09 AM via web
  199. Today coffee is a steaming cup of fucking awesome. Thursday, February 17, 2011 7:28:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  200. Axelrod and Carl the Intern are pulling me out of the box. "We heard you screaming from the 19th Ward." I love my fucking friends. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:54:59 PM via web
  201. And I'm flying backwards fucking fast, but I hear Curtis yell out "NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS, MAN. WHAT IF YOU'RE NOT YOU?" Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:47:06 PM via web
  202. And I can't even ask "who" before he he says, "You have to go, man. You have to go right now." And I can feel myself being pulled away... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:45:21 PM via web
  203. And he stops dancing and looks right at me and says, so quietly it's almost fucking inaudible, "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:43:56 PM via web
  204. And then Curtis leans in really fucking close and, in a whisper, he says, "There's something else you should know, man." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:41:55 PM via web
  205. And suddenly Curtis is singing again, just slow and low, and I can fucking feel the dance come back to me, and then we're dancing together. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:39:21 PM via web
  206. And Curtis Mayfield points to the fucking skyline inside his chest and he says, "It needs someone, someone to hold it, someone to love it." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:38:16 PM via web
  207. "Chicago is hurting. I can feel it," and he opens his suit and inside is no body, but the motherfucking skyline itself. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:36:11 PM via web
  208. "But my brother, it's not life, or stories, that I want to talk about. It's my city. It's Chicago." I'm starting to feel fucking woozy again Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:33:43 PM via web
  209. "And there are a lot more stories still to tell. Just don't tell them with cheap-ass 'they were all dead' endings." I fucking won't, Curtis. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:32:01 PM via web
  210. "You've got of life still ahead of you. Especially if you don't eat old shit you find in a box." Curtis fucking right on on that one. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:30:08 PM via web
  211. But then Curtis says, in that beautiful fucking voice of his, "This isn't the kind of story where it turns out you're dead." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:28:28 PM via web
  212. And Curtis is just humming now and the bunny is so fucking soft. And you know what, if this is it, this is pretty fucking good. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:58 PM via web
  213. And the Pat the Bunny bunny comes running over, and hops into my arms. And he's so motherfucking soft, I could pat him forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:06 PM via web
  214. And he's putting his hand on my arm, the one that has the sleeve missing, and for the first time in fucking months, I just feel calm. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:20:07 PM via web
  215. And he's singing, really quietly, but it's beautiful. A slow version of "It's All Right." And I close my eyes, and I know that it is. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:18:54 PM via web
  216. And out of the wall, just right there out of it, like it didn't exist at all, walks Curtis Mayfield. He's wearing a beautiful fucking suit. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:17:37 PM via web
  217. Landed. And I'm in a white room, and there's music playing softly. And there's no wheat, and no dibs tower. There's no fucking anything. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:13:21 PM via web
  218. "Look, there's something you need to know, about you. About this..." but my eyes are fucking blurred, and I can feel myself falling. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:35:42 PM via web
  219. "We don't have much time," Siskel's yanking me backwards now, and my chest feels fucking hollow as he does it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:34:01 PM via web
  220. And now Siskel is trying to pull me away with his giant fucking thumbs, but I want to stay holding this glowing heart forever. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:31:57 PM via web
  221. I'm hugging the glowing fucking heart of Studs Turkel, and it's wet and it's bright, and I can feel all of you beat inside it. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:28:29 PM via web
  222. "Their shoulders are broad, but their hearts are fragile. You have to feel the pulse of the city," and he waves me towards the fucking heart Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:26:46 PM via web
  223. He's floating just slightly above the ground, but Siskel speaks with fucking gravity: "Studs' heart beats for all Chicagoans." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:25:35 PM via web
  224. Gene Siskel's smile compete's with the light of Studs' heart. His thumbs are fucking enormous. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:21:36 PM via web
  225. A figure walks in front of the heart, its bright light still filtering through his translucent form. "Thumbs up, my friend." Siskel! Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:19:38 PM via web
  226. I've climbed up to anther landing. Up here, the motherfucking heart of Studs Turkel is shining like a fucking beacon. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:15:38 PM via web
  227. It's motherfucking beautiful up here, the sun making this tower of junk glow with the righteous power of millions of saved parking spaces. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:09:39 PM via web
  228. We're up above the clouds now. Looking down is just a sea of pink fluff. Actually, it looks motherfucking delicious. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:05:55 PM via web
  229. ..CK. I blacked out there. My motherfucking head is pounding. There's that fucking bunny again, climbing ever upward. Here we go. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 5:00:09 PM via web
  230. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FU... Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:14:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  231. And I can feel myself passing out when Marshall Field floats right up to me, looks me in the fucking eyes and says: "He's looking for you." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:13:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  232. "It's a city that doesn't quit. It's a city that never stops believing." And he's humming some fucking tune I can't place. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:10:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  233. "At the end of all that horror, we built a city of dreams, my friends and I. They said we couldn't. We did." I'm going to be fucking sick. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 3:01:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  234. "The river, it used to bubble with poison. It killed scores. My friends and I, we reversed it." I'm getting fucking dizzy. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:57:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  235. "This city burned once. The screams still haunt me. But my friends and I built it back." His head is floating fucking circles around me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:53:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  236. Field's fucking luminescent mouth opens and he speaks: "If you want to run this city, there's some things you need to know." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:49:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  237. You know what? Field may be a motherfucking disembodied head, but he still looks fucking classy. Dapper tie dangling down. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:41:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  238. I've reached a landing, though the tower still fucking rises above. A door opens, and the disembodied head of Marshall Field floats out. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:35:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  239. I'm probably a mile up this motherfucking tower of milk crates and lawn chairs. All I can see in every direction is wheat ringed by water. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 2:30:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  240. Well, it's either walk back through that field of wheat or climb up this tower of dibs furniture. Motherfuck it, let's head up. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:15:02 PM via web
  241. I turn and say, "I don't know what to do," but Sweetness is already gone, the dulcet tones of the Superbowl Shuffle all that's fucking left. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:10:38 PM via web
  242. That fucking bunny hops off Payton's back and scampers up the tower, and Sweetness turns and says, "We've run together as far as we can." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:08:23 PM via web
  243. We've reached a clearing, and Sweetness turns and says, "We're here." It's a huge motherfucking tower made out of dibs chairs. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:05:47 PM via web
  244. We've been running through this wheat field for fucking hours now. It's so hot, I ripped a sleeve off my shirt to wipe away the sweat. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 12:03:00 PM via web
  245. I have the distinct fucking feeling that this is going to be a long motherfucking day. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:26:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  246. Definitely Sweetness. He ran by again, this time with the Pat the Bunny bunny on his back. The fucking bunny turned and said "follow me." Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:25:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  247. Someone just ran by me in this wheat field. He was running fucking fast. All I saw was the number 34. Sweetness? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:21:59 AM via Seesmic for Android
  248. I remember packing this box, and don't remember fitting and entire field of fucking wheat in here. But that's what I'm standing in. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:17:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  249. OK, nobody fucking panic, but this box is definitely getting fucking bigger. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:12:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  250. Ate it. And holy fucking fuck, I swear to god the bunny on the cover of that book just winked at me. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:07:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  251. I am so motherfucking hungry that I might eat this motherfucking jar of fermented baby food I found. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 8:02:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  252. But really, there are only so many times a guy can read "Pat the Bunny," and this pile of cloth diapers is getting fucking short. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:40:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  253. Everyone else must be on day two of my wards tour. Which maybe is a blessing, because today is all the shitty wards. Looking at you, 14th. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:36:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  254. There was a shift in the night, and there's something on top of this box now. I can't get it open. Fucking trapped. With no coffee. Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:30:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  255. Fell asleep inside this box. Have the worst fucking crick in my back and can't really move. Uh, Axelrod? Carl? Hambone? Quaxelrod? Anyone? Wednesday, February 16, 2011 7:22:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  256. Which, admittedly, might be kind of soon because I think I just heard Axelrod pop a fucking beer. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:51:54 PM via web
  257. Fuck it: HIDE AND SEEK, MOTHERFUCKERS. I'll get out of this goddamn box of baby clothes when I'm motherfucking ready. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:47:12 PM via web
  258. So you fucking play the game the way it's played, right? Isn't that the whole motherfucking point of hide n seek: to not be found? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:42:44 PM via web
  259. So really, what the fuck was the point of getting in this goddamn box in the first place? Oh right: because it's a motherfucking game. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:36:08 PM via web
  260. GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TYPOS. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:35:07 PM via web
  261. But here's the thing: I could stay in this box all fucking night, and you know who I am at the end it? An asshole in a box. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:33:04 PM via web
  262. There's a couple picture books in this box if I get bored. And a big fucking stack of cloth diapers, so I'm good on that end too. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:28:54 PM via web
  263. I can hear them calling my name out there, but fuck it. I can lie stiller than the fucking lake on a windless night. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:25:45 PM via web
  264. Hide-n-seek in the crawlspace. I am stuffed so far into this fucking box of baby clothes that nobody is every going to find me. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 8:22:09 PM via web
  265. Ward 41 came through with a motherfucking gin jacuzzi. Haven't sat in one of these since Thanksgiving at Ari's. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 6:33:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  266. The next motherfucking ward I visit had better have a fucking swimming pool filled with whiskey. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 6:04:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  267. Ward 39 made a motherfucking mashed potato Sears Tower. It even has working elevators. Fucking incredible! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 5:44:25 PM via web
  268. I swear to fucking god, I will donate $2500 to the charity of your choice if you can come and fix this motherfucking radio. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 5:30:31 PM via web
  269. Driving around these wards would be a whole lot fucking less boring if the goddamn radio in Axelrod's Civic wasn't busted. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 4:49:36 PM via web
  270. Thanks, 29th Ward, for fixing our muffler! Too bad the 31st Ward just smoked your fucking ass with a block-long banana split. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 3:33:10 PM via web
  271. Holy fuck, we're dragging that muffler down the motherfucking street, aren't we? I see fucking sparks out the back window. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 3:16:08 PM via web
  272. Holy fuck: the 28th Ward stole all the remaining snow from the 24th and build a huge luge run! LUGE MOTHERFUCKERS, LUGE! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 2:35:55 PM via web
  273. Bumper boats in the 24th ward. You're in the motherfucking drink, Axelrod! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 2:01:32 PM via web
  274. Hot air balloon in the 22nd ward. I can see motherfucking Joliet from up here! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:36:30 PM via web
  275. @wbezacuddy I've got eight hundred and forty-eight motherfucking reasons why that isn't going to happen. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:20:33 PM via web in reply to wbezacuddy
  276. Prize to the first ward that will just let me lie down and take a fucking nap. Maybe push the bed around a little, sing a song. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:15:35 PM via web
  277. Word has it the 35th has set up a miniature Tokyo and has a big Godzilla suit for me to stomp it all with. Can't fucking wait! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:11:04 PM via web
  278. Holy shit, Ward 26--a human-sized Italian Beef. I'm getting motherfucking dipped! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 1:03:20 PM via web
  279. It's no baby goats, but the 42nd Ward had a pretty good comeback: They're all giving me piggy back rides. Fucking amazing! Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:50:47 AM via web
  280. MOTHERFUCKING BABY GOAT ALERT. Holy fuck, it's so goddamn cute it hurts. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:42:22 AM via web
  281. Jackpot: petting zoo in the 43rd Ward! You are so fucking fucked, 34th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:35:50 AM via web
  282. Got word that the 20th Ward has built a pit filled with fun-sized candy bars for me to jump in. Fucking top that, 27th. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:30:14 AM via web
  283. That's it, it's time for a Ward-off. 44 surrounded me with adorable children. The fuck you got, 36? Tuesday, February 15, 2011 11:09:19 AM via web
  284. It would be motherfucking awesome if we weren't changing a tire in front of an old folks' home in the 40th Ward right now. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:39:39 AM via web
  285. Quaxelrod's giving me fucking grief about the lack of ponds in every ward. There's a motherfucking lake--appreciate that. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:26:14 AM via web
  286. Another upside: Can really flesh out my "Wards that are pieces of shit" list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:05:27 AM via web
  287. Upside of this fucking 50 Wards concept: Pretty much every goddamn stop is a coffee shop. 50 motherfucking cups, let's go. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:53:46 AM via web
  288. This would be a lot more tolerable if it was 50 wards in 50 minutes. Just gun the fucking Civic and fly through all of them. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:33:22 AM via web
  289. I just visited my hundredth motherfucking El stop. One fucking week more of this shit and then all the pain goes away. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:26:07 AM via web
  290. 50 Wards, 50 hours. Whoever the fuck thought of this is most definitely going on the cock-punch list. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 9:05:59 AM via web
  291. Motherfucking coffee, you're all I fucking need today. Tuesday, February 15, 2011 7:58:53 AM via web
  292. Sufficiently drunk to move on to the highlight of my Valentines' night: Throwing chunks of slush into the fucking lake. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:15:40 PM via web
  293. Drinking the Carol Marin: bourbon, lemon syrup, bitters, sparkling wine. Delicious, and it'll kick your fucking ass. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:01:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  294. Fucking goddamn done with that bullshit. VALENTINES NIGHT COMMENCE. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:56:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  295. Personally, I was hoping we could talk a little more about motherfucking musical theater. Spamalot, bitches. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:50:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  296. You know what's pathetic? That 70% of this debate is about corruption. Motherfucking Chicago, you're a hard fucking city to love sometimes. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:42:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  297. I hope Jody Weiss isn't doing his normal Monday-night drinking game on his name, because he's fucking gone by now. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:35:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  298. Motherfucking motherfuck, that question had nothing to do with motherfucking bread crumbs. My ass hurts. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:24:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  299. So far Quaxelrod's prep questions were spot-fucking on. My "gotcha" should be about bread crumbs in the parks. Fucking ready. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:22:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  300. Basic debate strategy: Sit back and let everyone else motherfucking destroy each other. Chico Tea Party endorsement, go! Monday, February 14, 2011 7:19:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  301. Braun's zombie smile is fucking incredible. When I'm mayor, I'm appointing her to the committee of motherfucking crazy smiles. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  302. Next debate, we should do this shit with motherfucking muppets. Del Valle would look incredible. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:07:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  303. OK, Carol Marin, let's motherfucking debate this shit. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:02:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  304. Fuck this, I'm prepped. How hard can it be: schools, budget, cops, how fucking crazy Braun is. Done, done, done, and done. Monday, February 14, 2011 4:21:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  305. Quaxelrod is clearly angling for a news anchor gig, with all his feathered fucking showboating on these debate prep questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 4:00:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  306. To be honest, the duck is kicking all of our asses with these fucking questions. Monday, February 14, 2011 3:28:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  307. Debate prep: Axelrod's Chico, Carl the Intern in my wife's wedding dress is Braun, Hambone is Del Valle. Quaxelrod? Carol fucking Marin. Monday, February 14, 2011 3:23:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  308. I keep starting a card for Del Valle, and then I get about eight percent done and wonder why I'm even fucking bothering. Monday, February 14, 2011 9:00:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  309. Valentine for Chico: On the front is a kitty holding a paper heart. Inside it says, "Let's go, asshole. Fuck you, Rahm." Monday, February 14, 2011 8:42:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  310. Couldn't find the flowers for Braun. Settled for a box of in-two-weeks-everyone's-going-to-fucking-forget-about-you-again. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:34:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  311. There's a motherfucking debate on Valentines Day? How fucking romantic. Monday, February 14, 2011 8:25:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  312. I'm trying to track down a bouquet of nobody-gives-a-fuck for Braun. Fuck me if the florists aren't going to be swamped. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:57:37 AM via web
  313. Axelrod's fucking into the blood-coffee "It's like I'm Edward." Monday, February 14, 2011 7:48:39 AM via web
  314. Carl the Intern's Valentine's surprise was to dye the coffee red. It looks like we're fucking drinking blood. Monday, February 14, 2011 7:47:10 AM via web
  315. Hambone, it should be said, is in fucking heaven. That little dog has probably eaten six cans' worth himself. What could go wrong with that? Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:43:37 PM via web
  316. We're cleaning a few dozen cans worth of pork n beans off the floor of the crawlspace. Escaped in such a hurry last week, we fucking forgot. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:41:12 PM via web
  317. Our Grammy party got ruined when we remembered that the Grammys are motherfucking awful. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:32:34 PM via web
  318. Fuck you, sun! Don't fucking set on us, you fucking gas-bastard. Sunday, February 13, 2011 4:38:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  319. Margaritas son jodidamente increíble cierto ahora. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:49:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  320. Quaxelrod is soaring around this beautiful blue fucking sky. He's as free as a bird now. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:23:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  321. We pulled a Slip n Slide up from the crawlspace. Wet and wild, motherfuckers! Best fucking day ever. Sunday, February 13, 2011 3:10:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  322. We are grilling every motherfucking thing we can get our hands on. Come over, it's fucking awesome. Sunday, February 13, 2011 2:31:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  323. Seriously, if you're not outside right now, you're clearly a fucking asshole. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:41:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  324. It's absolutely fucking incredible outside. Axelrod's busted out the Speedo, and we're all motherfucking jealous. Sunday, February 13, 2011 12:27:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  325. We're fucking surfing the remains of the igloo. You served us well, our cold, snowy friend. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:56:44 AM via web
  326. HOLY FUCK: We have achieved near-total structural failure of this motherfucking igloo. Abandon goddamn ship. Sunday, February 13, 2011 8:38:13 AM via web
  327. I ate a fucked-up chicken salad sandwich today, and I've been dealing with my own personal mayoral runoff ever since. Saturday, February 12, 2011 7:30:04 PM via web
  328. Huh. This whole "living in an igloo" thing is about to get super fucking wet, isn't it? Saturday, February 12, 2011 2:10:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  329. THIRTY MOTHERFUCKING THREE DEGREES. WE FUCKING MADE IT, CHICAGO! Saturday, February 12, 2011 10:20:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  330. 29 degrees now? This bitch breaks above freezing, and we're hitting the fucking beach. Saturday, February 12, 2011 9:24:15 AM via web
  331. Summer loving: We're grilling the fucking coffee this morning. Hickory motherfucking smoked. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:31:06 AM via web
  332. This is the first motherfucking morning in a hundred years where I'm not going to end up frozen to a commuter while shaking hands at the El. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:24:58 AM via web
  333. 28 degrees? HOLY FUCK, IT'S SUMMERTIME. Saturday, February 12, 2011 8:11:11 AM via web
  334. And now we're all singing "Power of Love," arms clasped around each other's necks, and fuck all of you assholes, I fucking love my friends. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:23:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  335. Axelrod just stood up, poured a little out for dead homies, and started singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." A-fucking-mazing. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:06:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  336. Penny's going solo on Cee Lo's "Fuck You," and she's amazing. Take that, Gwyneth--you fucking ruined Glee forever. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  337. Quaxelrod is quacking his way through motherfucking "No Sleep 'Till Brooklyn." Honestly, the verses are tripping him up a little. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:41:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  338. This whole fucking world can lick "MY, MY, MY SERPENTINE!" Friday, February 11, 2011 8:27:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  339. We're all singing and I'm up on Axelrod's shoulders and my head is scraping against the snow ceiling, and I don't fucking care. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:23:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  340. "YOU'RE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING JUNGLE, BABY!" And let me tell you, at that point on this igloo is on fucking fire. Friday, February 11, 2011 8:18:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  341. Everyone's cheering and telling me to and I'm just playing it fucking coy. Then I grab the mic and yell, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE??" Friday, February 11, 2011 8:17:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  342. Axelrod. Pritzker. "Islands in the Stream." That is what they motherfucking are. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:58:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  343. Carl the Intern is absolutely fucking killing it on "Tiny Dancer." He said it was for someone special. I wonder who that is? Friday, February 11, 2011 7:35:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  344. Axelrod shotgunned a beer and launched right into "Hot Blooded." Motherfucking karaoke night rules. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:08:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  345. Karaoke in the igloo tonight. Shit's gonna get fucking nuts. Penny Pritzker's bringing her golden karaoke machine. Friday, February 11, 2011 6:50:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  346. Snow stopped, week's done, MOTHERFUCKING BEER O'CLOCK, BITCHES. Friday, February 11, 2011 5:00:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  347. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure you can build an airplane out of the shit in my motherfucking crawlspace. FUCK YOU, INACCESSIBLE CLOUDS. Friday, February 11, 2011 2:01:37 PM via web
  348. Carl the Intern is sketching out designs for an airplane that we can fly up into these fucking snow clouds. It's motherfucking payback time. Friday, February 11, 2011 1:59:41 PM via web
  349. Oh my fucking god, it is not goddamn snowing again, is it? Friday, February 11, 2011 1:44:59 PM via web
  350. @juggernautco He's a good puppy. I knew he left it there. Just be glad I didn't light it on fucking fire first. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:25:48 PM via web in reply to juggernautco
  351. @adrianholovaty thanks for hosting, and for promising that nerd isn't motherfucking contagious. Still going to for a second opinion. Friday, February 11, 2011 12:11:41 PM via web in reply to adrianholovaty
  352. I'm geolocating my ass out of this fucking place. Here's to a motherfucking geek-free weekend. Friday, February 11, 2011 11:34:47 AM via web
  353. Carl the Intern is trying to explain it to me, but if he says "geo"-anything one more fucking time, I'm walking out. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:28:12 AM via web
  354. If someone could actually tell me what this motherfucking company actually does, that'd be a big fucking help. Everywhat? Friday, February 11, 2011 10:26:37 AM via web
  355. I have completely run out of shit to say to nerds. Maybe I'll just give them a word problem and be done with this fucking bullshit. Friday, February 11, 2011 10:15:15 AM via web
  356. For all the nerds I've put up with this week, I'd better spend every fucking day next week being dunked by Derrick Rose. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:38:50 AM via web
  357. Hambone brought in today's itinerary: Some motherfucking map company. Great. More fucking nerds. Friday, February 11, 2011 9:37:18 AM via web
  358. Axelrod's doing TV this morning, which is a bummer because he was going to help fortify the igloo for the coming melt. Fuck. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:43:40 AM via web
  359. So now we have to endure Chico strutting around like a motherfucking peacock because he's only losing by 30 points, huh? Friday, February 11, 2011 7:39:32 AM via web
  360. Dear coffee, you are the motherfucking greatest of all of mankind's inventions. Friday, February 11, 2011 7:25:58 AM via web
  361. End of a stupid fucking debate means it's time to get stupid fucking drunk. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:36:59 PM via web
  362. You know what? Quaxelrod was right: Everyone in this race is motherfucking crazy. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:12:52 PM via web
  363. Where have I been scared in this city? HOLY FUCK THIS IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING DEBATE EVER. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:10:47 PM via web
  364. We can answer questions just based on reviews we've read about shit? That's awesome, because I have Yelp fucking ready to go. LET'S DO THIS. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:54:09 PM via web
  365. Holy fuck, we're saved: invest in nanotech and hardware stores. Can I just walk out? Is that allowed? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:48:41 PM via web
  366. And also: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:44:26 PM via web
  367. Wait a second: What the fuck is a nanotechnology again? Just really small shit? Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:44:04 PM via web
  368. I swear to fucking god, there are more people asking questions than answering them in this debate. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:34:58 PM via web
  369. You know what this day needs? A motherfucking debate. Here we go. Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:30:51 PM via web
  370. Made it back to the igloo. Eric Schmidt and his fucking Google Goons finally wheeled away when they realized they were missing Stargate SG1. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:50:11 PM via web
  371. You know, shit like this never happened back when I was a fucking dancer. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:56:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  372. Hiding out under the LaSalle bridge. We can hear the fucking Google Segways overhead, but figure they'll run out of batteries eventually. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:46:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  373. Running. Holy fuck, we're running. And we're being pursued by 300 fucking geeks. Geeks with motherfucking swords. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:33:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  374. I have no idea what he's even saying, but Axelrod tells me when Schmidt gets to the line, "Madness? THIS IS GOOGLE!" We need to fucking run. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:26:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  375. Now Schmidt's giving a speech that Axelrod says is from the movie "300," but I wouldn't know, cause I'm not a fucking nerd. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:22:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  376. Schmidt's just wheeling back and forth, yelling, "YOU WANT SOME MORE, BITCH?" I assure you that I didn't even want it the first fucking time Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:19:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  377. Holy fuck. You don't quite understand pain until you've been knocked on your ass by a nerd on a Segway. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:14:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  378. Don't ask me how it happened, but we're out on Kinzie right now getting ready to Segway joust. I'm so fucking fucked. Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:06:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  379. Schmidt wheels right up to my fucking face and says, "I know what you're thinking: Maybe I should have taken the blue pill." Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:30:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  380. I might have to do a motherfucking Bing search to figure out a way out of here. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:27:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  381. Eric Schmidt just wheeled in on his Segway, and is circling me, tossing fucking headfakes. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:25:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  382. Well this is the first talk I've ever given where half of the audience is on motherfucking Segways. Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:21:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  383. Axelrod just came out in his Tron outfit and Carl is changing into his wizarding cloak. I just look like a fucking chump in a suit. Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:45:40 AM via Seesmic for Android
  384. WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK? Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:28:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  385. I need a break from all this hobbiton, time-travel, multiverse bullshit. Where's my fucking New York Times? Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:23:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  386. Carl just spent 15 minutes trying to explain what a "multiverse" is. You mean there're other me's? My head fucking hurts. Thursday, February 10, 2011 8:10:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  387. If I understood half of what was in this speech, I'd feel a lot less nervous. What the fucking fuck is a "persistent data store"? Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:52:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  388. Axelrod's having me memorize Monty Python lines, "you know, for the nerds," but I think he just wants someone to fucking do them with him. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:47:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  389. 3.14159265... great, now this bullshit is stuck in my motherfucking head too. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:39:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  390. Carl the Intern is beside himself with excitement though. He's been reciting the digits in motherfucking pi for an hour now. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:33:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  391. That said, I may need a chalice of motherfucking mead to help me deal with these geeks. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:29:58 AM via Seesmic for Android
  392. Hanging out with nerds at Google today. Up half the night building up my elfin sorcerer, in case anyone throws down a motherfucking 20-side. Thursday, February 10, 2011 7:27:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  393. Nope, screaming didn't help one fucking bit. Going to end up washing that debate down with a pint of motherfucking whiskey. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 9:51:41 PM via web
  394. Forum and debate complete. Now it's time to lock myself in a bathroom and scream for about ninety motherfucking minutes. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:13:11 PM via web
  395. The only thing getting me through this bullfuck of a night is visualizing that I'm somewhere else. Somewhere warm. With a water slide. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 6:34:11 PM via web
  396. CODE FUCKING RED: Whoever scheduled me to be at both a candidate forum and a debate tonight is going on my cock-punch list. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 6:13:40 PM via web
  397. Plouffe just e-mailed video of a new ad. I think it's fucking adorable that he still thinks there's a race going on. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 4:35:32 PM via web
  398. Whoever thought it was a good idea to hold a fucking election in February is getting a motherfucking cock punch on the 23rd. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 2:41:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  399. When this fucking race is over, I swear to fucking god, I'm going on a motherfucking vacation somewhere warm. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 2:10:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  400. FUCK THIS MOTHERFUCKING COLD. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:48:52 AM via Seesmic for Android
  401. Danny Davis just showed up with a sled and a hairdryer. "I'm going to sled your damn Mt. Braun and then melt it into motherfucking nothing." Wednesday, February 09, 2011 8:11:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  402. Axelrod tried it, and I think he woke up half of Ravenswood screaming as he went down. "Ride of a fucking lifetime!" Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:55:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  403. We've carved out a sledding hill in the shape of Braun's poll trends, but we're all scared to try it: too fucking steep. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:46:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  404. @knash99 because it's better than living in a motherfucking crawlspace. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to knash99
  405. Hambone just delivered new poll numbers. Fifty-four percent? I think I can feel my motherfucking toes again. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:34:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  406. Sweet fucking Jesus, thank you for these motherfucking coffee-sicles. They bring icy salvation. Wednesday, February 09, 2011 7:24:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  407. "Five degrees." This whale blubber had better be all they say it is, or we're going to be frozen fucking fish sticks by morning. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:12:41 PM via web
  408. Axelrod keeps checking the thermometer and announcing the temperature as it plunges. It's like we're descending into a frozen fucking hell. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 8:49:55 PM via web
  409. Burning whale blubber in the igloo tonight. It's motherfucking warm, but it smells like death. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:22:53 PM via web
  410. @chitownpolitics You're motherfucking kidding me, right? Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:17:41 PM via web in reply to chitownpolitics
  411. And then the plan is to just lead everyone in chanting "FUCK NEW YORK!" and fucking hi-five the shit out of everyone. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:30:29 AM via web
  412. Speech preview: "You can fuck around with stupid shit all you want, but in the meantime New York is making us look like chumps. Again." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:29:31 AM via web
  413. Speech preview: "So Chicago, let's stop screwing around. Let's be like the Unicorn on my T-shirt: Fucking incredible." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:18:20 AM via web
  414. Speech preview: "Because somehow this town has confused driving fucking cupcakes around with goddamn innovation." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:14:54 AM via web
  415. Speech preview: "I remember when Daniel Burnham kicked the fucking world in the nuts. Let's get back to being a town of fucking nut-kickers. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:11:36 AM via web
  416. Speech preview: "We're Chicago. Maybe--just fucking maybe--we can build something better than stupid T-shirts and half-off deals." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:08:22 AM via web
  417. This is the second time I've been to this place, and they still insist on giving me a tour. It's still just giant fucking boxes of shirts. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 10:02:43 AM via web
  418. So now I'm talking about innovation in a warehouse, wearing a T-shirt with a unicorn on it. Actually, that part's fucking awesome. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:55:34 AM via web
  419. Original plan was to do this speech at Groupon, but now everyone thinks they're fucking assholes. Note to self: Lay off the Tibet jokes. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:50:21 AM via web
  420. Axelrod fucking loves this place: "I'm voting up 715 different designs with mustaches on them." Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:42:42 AM via web
  421. Unveiling my economic innovation plan at a novelty T-shirt company. Yes, the irony is so motherfucking palpable you could put it on a shirt. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:34:55 AM via web
  422. Riding a Mastodon over to unveil my economic innovation plan. It's so fucking cold even the Mastodon is shivering. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 9:17:21 AM via web
  423. Before you give me shit about my whale blubber coat, I'm pretty sure I saw a Groupon ad that said it was OK. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:54:11 AM via web
  424. Now that these fucking blubber coats are finished, Axelrod wants to go hunt sabertooth cats, but I was thinking mastadon ride. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:49:31 AM via web
  425. Been carving whale blubber since Carl got back. Upsides: So motherfucking warm. Downsides: It really fucks up a suit. Tuesday, February 08, 2011 7:44:07 AM via web
  426. We've sent Carl the Intern out to harpoon a motherfucking whale so we can use the blubber to keep warm. Monday, February 07, 2011 9:24:22 PM via web
  427. Do yourself a favor, and don't look at the motherfucking weather report for the next few days. Monday, February 07, 2011 9:17:03 PM via web
  428. MOTHERFUCK THIS FUCKING SNOW. Monday, February 07, 2011 5:30:31 PM via web
  429. @BossPrez Nothing a little snow can't fix. And oh look what's falling from the sky right motherfucking now. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:59:10 PM via web in reply to mhemgesberg
  430. Also, he appears to have a pretty fucking wicked concussion. Just fucking perfect. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:56:36 PM via web
  431. Axelrod just tried to clear the igloo too, and now we've got an Axelrod-shaped hole in the wall. Fuck. Monday, February 07, 2011 4:52:23 PM via web
  432. HOLY FUCK: Carl the Intern can fucking flip clear over the goddamn igloo. The Jesse White Tumblers are going fucking nuts! Monday, February 07, 2011 4:46:12 PM via web
  433. Best thing about being endorsed by Jesse White is getting to hang out with the fucking Tumblers. Motherfucking back flips! Monday, February 07, 2011 4:05:12 PM via web
  434. @meredithshiner Man, they really have you on the crack fucking assignments, don't they? Monday, February 07, 2011 3:56:11 PM via web in reply to meredithshiner
  435. Bleach burn remedy: lay down shirtless in the snow. It stings for a minute, but then you don't feel a fucking thing. Monday, February 07, 2011 1:16:08 PM via web
  436. You know what doesn't work? Bleach. Now I have a white spot on my blue shirt, and a motherfucking chemical burn on my chest. Monday, February 07, 2011 12:34:33 PM via web
  437. Working on my economic innovation plan, but really need a motherfucking mustard out of my shirt innovation plan instead. Monday, February 07, 2011 12:18:42 PM via web
  438. @spencerkeys Well that was the most motherfucking depressing thing I've ever read, fucking ever. Monday, February 07, 2011 11:15:22 AM via web in reply to spencerkeys
  439. Sweet motherfucking coffee, I love you more than I love myself. Monday, February 07, 2011 7:59:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  440. Ended up staying up all night rewatching Superbowl XX over and over. My entire fucking day is going to be fueled by coffee. Monday, February 07, 2011 7:46:43 AM via web
  441. CUE THE SUPERBOWL MOTHERFUCKING SHUFFLE. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:56:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  442. God, XX really was the greatest game that was ever fucking played. Our matching '85 Bears sweaters are aglow. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:42:58 PM via web
  443. Christ, we're just watching, rewinding, and re-watching when the Fridge runs in for the motherfucking TD. Go Bears. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:33:46 PM via web
  444. Second fucking half of Superbowl XX. I know how it end, but I fucking cry every time. Tears of fucking joy. Go Bears. Sunday, February 06, 2011 7:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  445. God, I fucking miss this you, Sweetness. When you ran the ball, it really was like you were making romance. Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:55:26 PM via web
  446. Ran into Chico while picking up chicken. He said he was watching "just for the commercials," which confirmed that he's a raging douche. Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:54:05 PM via web
  447. Picked up a bucket of chicken, and am settling into the igloo to watch a tape of the 1985 Superbowl. Go fucking Bears! Sunday, February 06, 2011 5:45:21 PM via web
  448. @jpnussba Actually, the aquarium has really pretty shitty sharks, and "jumped the beluga" doesn't fucking sound right. Sunday, February 06, 2011 2:48:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jpnussba
  449. Things are good here now. We're all going to head out to brunch and then get busy not watching the motherfucking Superbowl. Sunday, February 06, 2011 10:00:51 AM via web
  450. Man, Quaxelrod really took a good chunk off Axelrod's mustache. What a great fucking duck. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:45:50 AM via web
  451. It's over. We're all sitting in the igloo together, sobbing. It's been a hard race. Someone was going to fucking snap eventually. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:43:58 AM via web
  452. HOLY SHIT! IT'S QUAXELROD!! That little fucking duck just swooped in and has Axelrod by the 'stache. We're saved! Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:25:34 AM via web
  453. Jesus fucking Christ, we're all fucking crying here. He's just standing there, quivering, ready to strike. Someone tell Amy I loved her. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:20:31 AM via web
  454. Carl the Intern, Hambone, and I are backed into a fucking corner here. This may be it for us. Axelrod's got the shovel up over his head. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:15:41 AM via web
  455. Axelrod's yelling "CORN COB PIPE"--swing--"BUTTON NOSE"--swing--"TWO EYES MADE OUT OF COAL"--swing. We are so fucked. Sunday, February 06, 2011 9:03:36 AM via web
  456. Holy fuck: He's taking fucking swings at us with his shovel now. We're ducking 'em, but he's taking chunks out of the igloo. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:58:47 AM via web
  457. Pretty sure Axelrod thinks we're all snowmen. He keeps yelling, "Where's your magic fucking top hat, you snowy fucks?" Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:48:47 AM via web
  458. Axelrod's gripping that shovel a little too tightly, and ranting about crystalline formations. This might not fucking end well. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:42:50 AM via web
  459. Axelrod's eyes are fucking wild, like Shackleton's on his last expedition. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:25:47 AM via web
  460. Axelrod is insisting that he has this fucking shit under control, but we're all a little afraid that he's gone a bit snowmad. Sunday, February 06, 2011 8:24:22 AM via web
  461. Oh great, just what we need: more motherfucking, goddamn, shit-assing snow. Sunday, February 06, 2011 7:36:18 AM via Seesmic for Android
  462. I'm living in a motherfucking igloo, and you assholes choose a piece of shit house like number one? Fuck these fucking House Hunters. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:33:53 PM via web
  463. House number one? What the fuck is that bullshit?! I'd give the rest of my fucking finger stub for house number three! Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:25:34 PM via web
  464. @jrho_jrho Fucking tell me about it. Axelrod just calls that show H&H and changes into his own brown overalls when he watches it. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:01:06 PM via web in reply to jrho_jrho
  465. @jebarton There's a lot of fucking snow here. It just blends the fuck in. Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:52:19 PM via web in reply to jebarton
  466. @Shelley723 Live tweet it? Fuck that. I'm going to savor this shit. Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:51:52 PM via web in reply to Shelley723
  467. House Hunters is on next. Axelrod is motherfucking beside himself. "Which goddamn house are they going to choose?" Saturday, February 05, 2011 9:49:05 PM via web
  468. Carl the Intern just finished splicing into the asshole's cable, so now this motherfucking igloo gets 148 channels. HGTV, bitches. Saturday, February 05, 2011 7:52:01 PM via web
  469. @Jen3317 Feel free to ask for you motherfucking money back. Saturday, February 05, 2011 7:48:45 PM via web in reply to Jen3317
  470. @Lionfisile You really don't fucking understand what the word "rhyme" means, do you? Saturday, February 05, 2011 5:12:04 PM via web in reply to Lionfisile
  471. Shuffling my way back to the igloo now, this frozen foam voting booth is like walking around in a fucking block of wood. Saturday, February 05, 2011 4:54:21 PM via web
  472. Holy fuck, foam-rubber costumes really stiffen up when you're out in the fucking cold all day. Saturday, February 05, 2011 4:48:25 PM via web
  473. @KaitlinHenry I hear you. Some mornings are motherfucking funnel mornings. Saturday, February 05, 2011 12:13:51 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KaitlinHenry
  474. He started out saying, "This giant foam voting booth is sacred... " Then I tuned him out just like every fucking other time Del Valle talks. Saturday, February 05, 2011 11:15:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  475. Del Valle just arrived and is taking inflatable Chico to task for double fucking voting. Ha fucking ha. Saturday, February 05, 2011 11:09:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  476. Great, now Braun's here--regular size--and she's fucking pretending to vote too. Why the fuck aren't there armholes in this fucking suit? Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:39:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  477. Chico just showed up wearing a huge inflatable Chico costume, and he's pretending to use my foam booth to vote. Fuck. Saturday, February 05, 2011 10:11:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  478. Visiting early voting centers today. If you want to stop by, I'll be the fucking guy wearing the giant foam voting booth. Saturday, February 05, 2011 8:30:20 AM via web
  479. Coffee, bitches. The secret is motherfucking coffee. Saturday, February 05, 2011 8:10:52 AM via web
  480. @maureenjohnson The asshole's lease is up in motherfucking May. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:16:05 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  481. The motherfucking party is in the motherfucking igloo tonight. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:05:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  482. Just walked the fuck out of that meeting. Fuck everything: it's Friday fucking night! Friday, February 04, 2011 6:09:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  483. More motherfucking meetings. It's cute that someone still thinks there's a race, but it's cutting into my motherfucking Friday. Friday, February 04, 2011 5:10:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  484. Chicago fucking Tribune endorsement, bitches! Think of how fucking awesome that would be if anyone fucking read a newspaper. Friday, February 04, 2011 4:38:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  485. Motherfucking meetings all afternoon. Don't people understand that it's fucking Friday? Friday, February 04, 2011 3:43:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  486. @Tuuvan I always use Scott brand toilet paper when I tell people they're full of fucking shit. Friday, February 04, 2011 10:02:23 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Tuuvan
  487. @livingminimal Carl's busy drafting our motherfucking economic plan. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:51:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to livingminimal
  488. With all this fucking snow, what are the chances of a giant fucking line at Hot Dougs today? Nobody tell Quaxelrod about the duck fat fries. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:48:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  489. Finally digging out Axelrod's Civic. Starting to regret not getting the fucking passenger-side window replaced. Friday, February 04, 2011 9:18:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  490. Motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, coffee sure tastes absolutely fucking incredible this morning. Friday, February 04, 2011 7:43:29 AM via web
  491. A belly warm with whiskey, a duck and a dog sleeping soundly, and your best friend playing Jovi. Motherfucking awesome. Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:29:40 PM via web
  492. Sitting in the igloo, passing a bottle around. Axelrod busted out his guitar and is singing Bon fucking Jovi. "On a steel horse I ride..." Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:07:34 PM via web
  493. Carl even built a little second floor--sorry, "a lofted atrium"--where Hambone and Quaxelrod can hang out. This place is fucking awesome. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:54:41 PM via web
  494. @honeychildpleaz Who the fuck died and made you Webster's fucking Dictionary, you stupid fucking asshole. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:47:08 PM via web in reply to honeybadgerplz
  495. He built a little fireplace, so we're warm in here. And we can actually stand up--major fucking benefit over the crawlspace. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:46:28 PM via web
  496. Carl the Intern did a incredible job on this igloo. It's got a couple little snow desks, a fridge, some fucking ice couches. Thursday, February 03, 2011 5:44:48 PM via web
  497. Made it back to the igloo. Ran into a total of four people: cupcake driver, a guy on a donut run, and two canvassers for motherfucking Chico Thursday, February 03, 2011 3:16:30 PM via web
  498. Finally ran into another person. And it's someone driving a motherfucking cupcake truck. Fucking cupcakes. Thursday, February 03, 2011 2:05:10 PM via web
  499. There are a lot of things I can say I've done with my life. But now I can say I made a motherfucking snow angel on Lake Michigan. Thursday, February 03, 2011 12:50:10 PM via web
  500. Now we're walking out on the Lake. It's just one giant fucking sheet of grey fucking ice. And it's just the five of us. Thursday, February 03, 2011 11:22:16 AM via web
  501. The Loop is fucking abandoned. We're swinging from the El tracks like they're motherfucking monkey bars. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:40:42 AM via web
  502. Quaxelrod fucking owns the motherfucking express lanes. Waddling like a bad-ass motherfucker. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:12:00 AM via web
  503. It really does feel like the end of the fucking world. We're walking down the middle of the motherfucking Dan Ryan right now. Thursday, February 03, 2011 10:09:05 AM via web
  504. We're all in our fucking Arctic-grade snowsuits, just wandering. Axelrod's eyes are lit up, "It's like we're the last people on earth." Thursday, February 03, 2011 9:33:30 AM via web
  505. Fuck it, we've all left the igloo, just playing with Hambone in the snow. Plouffe's still on speaker being unin-fucking-telligible Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:25:45 AM via web
  506. Seriously, this is fucking Plouffe: "I .... hrm... kit... fuck... and... shit... Quaxelrod... log." How the fuck does this fucking help? Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:20:41 AM via web
  507. Strategy session in the igloo, Plouffe's in over speakerphone. We can't understand a single motherfucking word he's saying. Thursday, February 03, 2011 8:10:59 AM via web
  508. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee. We're drinking it in motherfucking snow cups. Thursday, February 03, 2011 7:47:16 AM via web
  509. Carl the Intern built an igloo, and we're all just laying around in here, fucking whiskied and exhausted. Stay fucking warm. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 6:27:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  510. Jesus fucking Christ, my arms fucking ache from all that fucking shoveling. Quaxelrod can barely lift his little wings. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 5:05:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  511. @MerrittPR For a PR flack, you're actually a terrible fucking liar, you stupid fucking fuck. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 4:45:27 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MerrittPR
  512. Sun's out, streets are mostly clear. MOTHERFUCKING SNOWBALL FUCKING FIGHT. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 2:49:13 PM via web
  513. What's up, motherfucking sun--nice to see you. A little fucking late though. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:55:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  514. And we're out. Holy fuck, it's fucking Hoth out here. Axelrod's handing out the goddamn shovels. Let's get digging. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:37:08 AM via web
  515. Hambone's done digging the shafts, now Carl'll trigger the implosion and we ride this pork elevator to fucking freedom. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:20:26 AM via web
  516. @Rebecca_Bates What's so complicated about an escape scenario involving a dog, cans of pork n beans, and an intern? Oh fuck. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:18:39 AM via web in reply to Rebecca_Bates
  517. Where did Carl learn all this? "I'm in the Junior Engineering club at Lane Tech." Fuck yes. Hambone, get those paws digging! Wednesday, February 02, 2011 11:02:11 AM via web
  518. Carl's got Hambone tunneling five shafts out, which will result in a "controlled implosion." Yeah, that sounds fucking safe. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:59:26 AM via web
  519. I get the pork n beans elevator, but I'm still a little unclear on how we're actually digging the motherfucking escape tunnel. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:45:26 AM via web
  520. When he presented the plans to me and Axelrod, he said, "It's pretty simple, really: We're going to Chilean Miner this shit." Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:42:28 AM via web
  521. Carl the Intern has emptied all the pork n beans onto the crawlspace floor and is welding the cans together into a fucking escape elevator. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 10:40:52 AM via web
  522. Carl the Intern is designing a tunnel to get us the fuck out. "The key is that it doesn't collapse in on itself while we're inside." Wednesday, February 02, 2011 9:01:15 AM via web
  523. A downside to living in the crawlspace under my rented house: We're fucking snowed the fuck in. Not in--snowed fucking under. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 8:58:45 AM via web
  524. HOLY FUCK. IT IS INFUCKINGSANE OUTSIDE. Wednesday, February 02, 2011 8:47:41 AM via web
  525. MOTHERFUCKING THUNDERFUCKINGSNOW ALL UP IN HERE. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 10:22:52 PM via web
  526. Back at the crawlspace, hot toddies all the fuck around. Fucking stay the fuck warm, bitches. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:45:22 PM via web
  527. I'M THE FUCKING KING OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD! Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:06:41 PM via web
  528. Balanced on the roof of this plow cab, riding a fucking ice wave, in the middle of the worst fucking blizzard in a generation. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:06:30 PM via web
  529. We caught the wave! It's a fucking twenty fucking footer, all fucking gray and ice and snarl. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:04:33 PM via web
  530. ... and we're off the curve and in the goddamn air, flying. The wind and water are like wild animals fucking. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 8:02:28 PM via web
  531. Up on the roof of the cab, heading north down Lake Shore fast. Curve's coming up. Time to hang the fuck on... Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:56:45 PM via web
  532. @maureenjohnson Like Florida in 1500 fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:46:24 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  533. Me, I've got a fleet of Teamsters, and we're barreling down Milwaukee. ACES FUCKING HIGH, YOU MOTHERFUCKING STORM. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:45:45 PM via web
  534. Holy fuck. Unless you've got a fleet of Teamsters to drive you around, STAY THE FUCK INSIDE. It's insane out here. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:41:33 PM via web
  535. The plan: We're going to hit velocity on the Michigan Ave curve, launch into the water, and ride a motherfucking 18' wave to victory. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:31:45 PM via web
  536. Axelrod just called in from a Teamster truck. "We're going to go surf a plow on the lake. You in?" Fuck yes I'm in. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:26:40 PM via web
  537. A giant fucking snowball rolled against crawlspace door. It busted open and out fell Carl the Intern, Hambone, Quaxelrod, and my Oreos. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 5:20:09 PM via web
  538. Plan: When this shit is over, massive fucking snowball fight on Ravenswood. East side of tracks vs west side. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:44:04 PM via web
  539. @tailsofrachel there's nothing fucking imminent about it. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:35:25 PM via web in reply to tailsofrachel
  540. Looking out the periscope Axelrod hooked up. I'm pretty fucking sure snow isn't supposed to fall UP. What the fucking fuck. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:33:21 PM via web
  541. Sending Carl the Intern out on a sled, with Quaxelrod and Hambone mushing. Hope he's back with the fucking Oreos soon. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:16:53 PM via web
  542. Axelrod just came in for a quick check-in at the Weathercenter. His eyes are shining like motherfucking beacons. "This is my time." Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:09:38 PM via web
  543. Oh fuck. I already ate all the motherfucking Oreos. Thinking about sending Carl the Intern out to pick up more. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:05:49 PM via web
  544. @johnfritchey Worst part is when they bump even THAT for storm coverage. Face it: you're fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:02:57 PM via web in reply to johnfritchey
  545. @maureenjohnson Very fucking fucked. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 4:01:48 PM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  546. That's right Chico, Braun, and Del Valle, what do you got? Don't bring a motherfucking shovel to a plow fight. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:56:54 PM via web
  547. Axelrod's got a line of Teamsters trucks parked outside and he's attaching plows to them. Motherfucking shovel fucking ready. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:53:08 PM via web
  548. Axelrod's outside screaming, "ITS FUCKING HERE! IT'S FUCKING HERE!" Tuesday, February 01, 2011 3:25:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  549. Axelrod's outside just bellowing, "THE WIND IS PICKING THE MOTHERFUCK UP!" Tuesday, February 01, 2011 12:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  550. Public Service Announcement: In about three hours, you're going to need a lot of fucking whiskey. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 12:49:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  551. @designhawg We already have fifteen lawn chairs and a motherfucking cast-iron stove waiting on the curb to fill Axelrod's spot. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 9:39:02 AM via web in reply to designhawg
  552. @dullcatastrophe The backup generators have motherfucking backups. We're covered. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:55:38 AM via web in reply to dullcatastrophe
  553. Irish motherfucking coffee for the fucking win. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:41:38 AM via web
  554. Report from Axelrod's weathercenter has the big storm hitting later this afternoon. Perfectly fucking reasonable to get drunk now. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:40:06 AM via web
  555. Axelrod's built a cubicle out of oversize pork 'n' beans cans. He calls it "the weathercenter." It's been beeping all fucking night. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:24:30 AM via web
  556. Sweet fucking coffee. Axelrod had us buy 20 pounds of beans to weather the storm. I fucking doubled that. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:15:37 AM via web
  557. @johnfritchey You forgot to buy milk? You're so fucking fucked. Axelrod had us buy 40 gallons, so if you need one, ski over here. Tuesday, February 01, 2011 7:11:49 AM via web
  558. Finished my first two-hour snow-watch shift. So far, it's just really fucking cold. Hambone's up next. Monday, January 31, 2011 9:52:33 PM via web
  559. @tigerflight show me the fucking hand on a motherfucking duck or puppy. Fucking fucktard. Monday, January 31, 2011 5:24:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to tigerflight
  560. The snowsuits Axelrod made for Hambone and Quaxelrod are adorable. Tiny fucking snowshoes. Tiny fucking hats. Monday, January 31, 2011 5:20:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  561. Snow preparations finally done. Now Axelrod just passed out our motherfucking sleeping shifts. 'Everyone gets two hours on watch. Everyone." Monday, January 31, 2011 5:19:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  562. Carl the Intern just asked if I need him to go Supreme this healthcare bullshit too. The kid learns fucking fast. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:45:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  563. @maureenjohnson I'm on motherfucking fucking snow patrol for the next 48 hours. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:38:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to maureenjohnson
  564. Is it a preexisting condition when every fucking healthcare opponent is a fucking cancer in my ass? Monday, January 31, 2011 2:36:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  565. Fuck Florida, fuck district courts, and fuck those tea-shitting fuck-party assholes. I worked too fucking hard on that bill. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:29:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  566. The motherfucking Healthcare law is ruled un-fucking-constitutional? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:14:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  567. Axelrod's response? "You want to be the asshole out there shoveling with his hands when we break the 18th,shovel just stop looking." Monday, January 31, 2011 2:02:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  568. Axelrod's list calls for twenty shovels, but I've hit six stores and only have eighteen. Fuck. Monday, January 31, 2011 2:01:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  569. @lindsayiversen I'd call a motherfucking successful fundraiser last night 'campaigning,' asshole. Monday, January 31, 2011 11:16:00 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lindsayiversen
  570. Axelrod has Carl the Intern smoking meats down here. This whole crawlspace smells fucking incredible. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:50:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  571. "... the fact that I'm on the cover is just pure fucking coincidence." But he's fucking smiling. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:22:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  572. I asked Axelrod about the fucking newspapers. "It's for preservation for future generations, in case we don't survive the storm... " Monday, January 31, 2011 10:21:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  573. Also on Axelrod's Storm Survival list: 100 copies of today's Chicago fucking Tribune and 100 newspaper-sized picture frames. Monday, January 31, 2011 10:13:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  574. Axelrod handed me a shopping list and said, "We don't have much time." The fuck do we need oxygen tanks for? Monday, January 31, 2011 10:02:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  575. Got back to the crawlspace and Axelrod's stockpiling canned goods. He just keeps muttering "storm coming." Fuck this shit. Monday, January 31, 2011 9:41:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  576. Jesus fucking Christ, I just woke up in the back of the Wilco van. My bongo hand feels like it's fucking broken. Monday, January 31, 2011 8:40:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  577. @TopSEO_Experts fuck you and your stupid fucking spam account. Sunday, January 30, 2011 9:54:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TopSEO_Experts
  578. Also, would it fucking kill this motherfucker to smile every now and then? Cheer up, Tweedy! Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:42:26 PM via web
  579. @RickSigler Have fun voting for Braun, asshole. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:38:05 PM via web in reply to RickSigler
  580. So it goes without fucking saying, that he's going out there and playing "I Gotta Feeling," right fucking now. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:26:44 PM via web
  581. I told him that he can stuff his fucking guitar up his ass and go play for Chico--he'll make his troubadour ass play Beiber. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:25:05 PM via web
  582. But no, Tweedy's pulling this fucking "I'm in Wilco, so I'm going to play Wilco songs" bullshit, like he knows anything about fundraising. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:23:07 PM via web
  583. Not saying they're a good band--they're fucking terrible. But if you want people with money to give that shit away, play the Black Eyed Peas Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:21:54 PM via web
  584. Tweedy's being pissy because he doesn't want to play any Black Eyed Peas songs. What the fuck? People love that shit. Sunday, January 30, 2011 7:18:52 PM via web
  585. Spent all goddamn day at the vet getting that goddamn Lego out of Quaxelrod. Now running late to Tweedy's fucking fundraiser. Sunday, January 30, 2011 5:47:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  586. Oh fuck. Quaxelrod just ate Lego Mubarak. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:29:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  587. There's a toy standoff in front of the Lincoln Logs Department of the Interior. The My Pretty Ponies refuse to move the fuck along. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:05:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  588. @Oscar_Wang fuck you, you stupid fucking shitbag. Sunday, January 30, 2011 11:02:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Oscar_Wang
  589. A can of Barrel O Monkeys is trying to loot the Lego museum, but they're being stopped by a floppy sheriff doll and a spaceman toy. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:41:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  590. A whole crowd of Barbies just set the Ministry of Information on fucking Lego fire. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:33:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  591. Axelrod has built a scale model of all of fucking Egypt out of Legos. It looks fucking amazing. Sunday, January 30, 2011 10:06:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  592. Carl the Intern is wearing my wife's wedding dress under his sheet. "I'm the fucking Ghost Bride." Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:36:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  593. @kalenski Jesus fucking Christ, Hambone is a motherfucking puppy. Quaxelrod is the duck. Keep up, asshole. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:24:17 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to kalenski
  594. Hambone looks fucking spooky as shit in his ghost sheet. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:16:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  595. BOO! You stupid motherfucker. Saturday, January 29, 2011 7:01:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  596. @alisavino it's not my job to catch you the fuck up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 6:36:00 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to alisavino
  597. Just found a box of sheets in the crawlspace. We're going to cut out eyeholes and haunt the fuck out of Halpin upstairs. Saturday, January 29, 2011 6:27:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  598. Fucking nailed it on take four fifty three. Ring ring, motherfuckers, I'm calling you up. Saturday, January 29, 2011 12:22:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  599. Motherfucking take fucking one hundred and twenty fucking six. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:30:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  600. On take fucking forty-six on these robocalls. I'm this fucking close to biting the fucking head off this fucking microphone. Saturday, January 29, 2011 10:13:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  601. Text from Plouffe: "Just lube up your asshole then, because you're recording robocalls today. " Fuck. Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:09:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  602. I mean fucking seriously, you spend five fucking days a week being fucked in the ass by meetings. We really need to make it six? Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:06:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  603. Motherfucking Saturday meetings need to be constitutionally illegal. Saturday, January 29, 2011 9:02:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  604. Just opened a box: motherfucking Twister! This night just got in-fucking-sane! Friday, January 28, 2011 6:54:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  605. @freejoe76 I'm thinking fucking no on that one, scoop. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:45:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to freejoe76
  606. Best part of being down here is that I get to wear my grandfather's pleather jacket. I look like motherfucking Fonzie. Aaaaay. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:41:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  607. No furniture down here yet, so we're just sitting on boxes passing a bottle. Axelrod found a box of Legos, so he's in fucking heaven. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:35:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  608. Holy fucking fuck, it's finally motherfucking Friday fucking night. Longest fucking week ever. Friday, January 28, 2011 5:03:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  609. Couldn't find an apartment. Just moving into the crawlspace of my old house. Nobody tell the fucking asshole upstairs. Friday, January 28, 2011 4:43:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  610. Out apartment hunting. Again. It's fucking hard to find a place that'll take both a dog and a duck. Friday, January 28, 2011 12:23:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  611. Holy fucking Jesus fuck, little Alyssa just pulled a triple flip cannonball to win this shit. Axelrod's pouting in his speedo. Friday, January 28, 2011 9:51:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  612. It's Axelrod and this seven-year-old girl named Alyssa in the finals, both tied at 9.8. The whole cleaning crew is here, fucking cheering. Friday, January 28, 2011 9:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  613. Cannonballs in the motherfucking pool. Quaxelrod is the judge. I got a 7.3 Friday, January 28, 2011 9:16:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  614. Carl the Intern and Axelrod are in a pancake eating contest. Motherfucking artists at work. Friday, January 28, 2011 8:01:04 AM via web
  615. This Holiday Inn Express breakfast buffet is about to get fucked like it's never been fucked before. Friday, January 28, 2011 7:33:03 AM via web
  616. "Lets Break out of this fake ass Party / Turn this in to a Classic Night / If we die in each others arms..." Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:39:30 PM via web
  617. Now we're all crammed in Axelrod's fucking Civic, the ceiling's still dented in, driving down Lake Shore Drive, just fucking freestyling. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:38:32 PM via web
  618. Carl just looked at me, and said, "What did you expect? I told you we'd Supreme this shit, so we motherfucking Supremed this shit." Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:31:00 PM via web
  619. It turns out Carl the Intern and Axelrod didn't crash Axelrod's Civic into City Hall. They went down to motherfucking Springfield instead. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:29:56 PM via web
  620. We're all fucking crying and laughing and barking and quacking and the city has never looked more beautiful, and in four weeks I'll be mayor Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:25:30 PM via web
  621. I'm crying like a baby, because this has been a motherfucking week from fucking hell, and here we all are, on Michigan avenue, in the snow. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:20:41 PM via web
  622. And Quaxelrod is fucking flying circles around their heads, and fucking Hambone leapt up onto the roof of the car. And I'm fucking crying. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:18:26 PM via web
  623. They're blaring that fucking Peter Gabriel song! And they're fucking smiling fucking huge smiles! And it's snowing. And it's beautiful. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:17:16 PM via web
  624. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! There's Axelrod and Carl the Intern, standing on the roof of the goddamn Civic, boomboxes over their heads. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:15:24 PM via web
  625. But seriously, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is getting louder. Hambone says I'm crazy, but it's really goddamn loud now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:06:46 PM via web
  626. Anyway, that shits over. One more of these motherfucking things. Then I never have to hang out with those three fucking people again. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:04:47 PM via web
  627. You know, in a motherfucking debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:02:59 PM via web
  628. I don't want to fucking sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:02:22 PM via web
  629. Hambone thinks it went well, but I hate these fucking things. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything in a debate. Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:01:04 PM via web
  630. Goddamn it, there's that fucking song again. Do you fucking hear it? I fucking swear Chico looked when it started up. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:57:54 PM via web
  631. I'm about to meet the challenge of changing out of this fucking suit. Almost fucking done. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:56:54 PM via web
  632. Hambone fucking drilled me on these goddamn facts and figures. I think I fucking nailed them 99% percent of the time. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:50:08 PM via web
  633. Chico thinks he smells fucking amazing, but the rest of us were joking about "eu de Chico" backstage. Right next to him, it's overpowering. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:46:35 PM via web
  634. Also, I'm pretty fucking sure Braun is dozing off right now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:44:15 PM via web
  635. I'm stabbing Axelrod's MousekePen into my thigh every time the motherfucking camera cuts away. 17 more fucking minutes. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:43:14 PM via web
  636. Alright, bitches, let's debate this shit. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:58:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  637. Reached in my pocket and pulled out Axelrod's Disneyland pen. I gave him my fucking heart. He gave me a MousekePen. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:46:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  638. Holy fucking fuck, that fucking Peter fucking Gabriel song is back in my fucking head. Just what I fucking need. Thursday, January 27, 2011 6:29:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  639. Ah, fuck it. TOSS ME ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING BEER, WE'RE WINNING THIS MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:55:30 PM via web
  640. And Carl. Jesus, seemed like that kid's heart just shattered in two on Monday. He'd probably be up on Axelrod's fucking shoulders right now Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:51:13 PM via web
  641. Axelrod would probably be wearing his beer hat right now, grinning like the motherfucking Cheshire fucking Cat. Fucking where are you? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:45:54 PM via web
  642. God, I fucking wish Axelrod and Carl the Intern were here right now. Who's going to hold my fucking feet for the kegstands? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:40:59 PM via web
  643. You stupid fucking fucks, have to debate me now. BRING IT THE FUCK ON! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:39:19 PM via web
  644. Just ran up to the other sorry fucking candidates and yelled, "MOTHERFUCKING WINNING THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE!" Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:36:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  645. Shotgunning motherfucking cans of motherfucking beer two at a goddamn time! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:24:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  646. FUCK THE DEBATE, LET'S HOLD THE MOTHERFUCKING ELECTION RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:17:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  647. Huh. Feel a little stupid about the whole fucking apartment trashing thing now. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:14:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  648. Hambone is fucking humping every fucking leg in sight. Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:12:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  649. MOTHERFUCKING STREET LEGAL, BITCHES! Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:08:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  650. Why did it just get so fucking quiet in here? Thursday, January 27, 2011 5:00:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  651. And I totally see Braun strutting around with her fucking rooster. But no goddamn ducks? For fucking shame, man. For. Fucking. Shame. Thursday, January 27, 2011 4:35:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  652. What the fucking fuck do you mean, no waterfowl in the Chicago City Club? Chico probably got his motherfucking Guinea Hen in! Thursday, January 27, 2011 4:24:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  653. This motherfucking snow is going to make me look ridiculous if I go out in my tiger T-shirt. Thursday, January 27, 2011 3:32:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  654. I may just go over in this T-shirt and sweats. The shirt has a sweet fucking tiger on it. Hambone thinks it's bad-ass. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:17:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  655. Picking out clothes for the debate tonight. I've got fucking duck shit on most of my suits. Thursday, January 27, 2011 12:12:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  656. There's that goddamn motherfucking song again. I'm going to stab myself in the fucking ear soon. Thursday, January 27, 2011 10:58:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  657. Quaxelrod needs a swim, Hambone needs a walk, Pillow Del Valle needs a fluff. Didn't I used to have people that took care of this bullshit? Thursday, January 27, 2011 8:23:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  658. Quaxelrod thinks we should do more debate prep, but I think it's because he gets a fucking bread crumb when he gets a right answer. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:59:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  659. Sweet fucking coffee, you sometimes feel like my only motherfucking friend. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:32:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  660. Hey entire fucking East Coast: Yes, your weather patterns are fucking you in the ass. Now kindly shut the fuck up about it. Thursday, January 27, 2011 7:03:32 AM via web
  661. @andymboyle I miss that guy. Sometimes he'd play the guitar all night. I wish I hadn't told him to shut the fuck up so many times now. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:46:13 PM via web in reply to andymboyle
  662. @jason_hardesty you're really not motherfucking helping at fucking all. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:32:21 PM via web in reply to jason_hardesty
  663. @CarmintheB He's a fucking pillow. You're really fucking asking? Holy fucking fuck. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:22:30 PM via web in reply to CarmintheB
  664. Seriously, this fucking song won't get the fuck out of my fucking head. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:21:02 PM via web
  665. @mtroy_hughes Smart people. Hope they keep them out. Motherfuck the motherfucking cupcake trucks. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:38:47 PM via web in reply to mtroy_hughes
  666. Debate prep wrapped. I sincerely fucking hope that Chico doesn't lick my face tomorrow as much as Hambone did tonight. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:23:03 PM via web
  667. I may have underestimated Pillow Del Valle. He's definitely got some good points about the fucking hotel tax. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:05:28 PM via web
  668. I keep getting Peter fucking Gabriel's motherfucking "In Your Eyes" stuck in my fucking head and it's driving me goddamn insane. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:00:19 PM via web
  669. While Pillow Del Valle and I are in agreement that double starch is too much fucking starch, I'm beginning to think that I need my team back Wednesday, January 26, 2011 5:31:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  670. Topics covered: lack of old guys tossing bread, repressive off-leash laws, and the handsy maid who works weekends. Fuck. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 5:16:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  671. Back at the hotel for debate prep. Quaxelrod is filling in for Braun, Hambone is covering Chico, and a pillow from the bed is Del Valle. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 5:09:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  672. @vickiroush why the fucking fuck would I follow any of you assholes? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 3:25:39 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to vickiroush
  673. Now I'm doing a tour of the city's fucking duck ponds and dog parks. Axelrod's fucking mustache did a better scheduling job than this. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 3:13:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  674. @cam_joseph on background? Sure, give a call: (312) E-A-T-S-H-I-T Wednesday, January 26, 2011 2:39:05 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cam_joseph
  675. I've been shaking hands outside of PetSmart all morning. Last day I let Hambone and Quaxelrod set my fucking schedule. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:56:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  676. @mollyesque somewhere right between fucking slim and fucking none. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 11:51:36 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mollyesque
  677. Yeah, well Quaxelrod is working the phones, so you take what you can fucking get, you know? Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:47:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  678. @nbcphilrogers just call the office: (312) FUC-KOFF Wednesday, January 26, 2011 10:42:09 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to nbcphilrogers
  679. Sweet fucking Jesus, all the fucking coffee I can drink? Bring it fucking on. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:30:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  680. Oh hell no, this hotel has a motherfucking breakfast buffet? And it's fucking free? Hell yes I'll have a pancake, thanks. Wednesday, January 26, 2011 7:28:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  681. @thebigrigrunner it's not my job to catch you the fuck up. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 11:13:34 PM via web in reply to thebigrigrunner
  682. This "I Didn't Know I Was Pregant" marathon is on until two AM. I feel like I've won the motherfucking election already. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:49:30 PM via web
  683. @SamAbernethy that I'd fucking believe. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:38:45 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  684. If anyone thinks I'm sitting through Bachmann, you're out of your goddamn motherfucking minds. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:22:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  685. I thought the speech was pretty great. I mean, it's a tough situat... HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE NOT KNOW SHE'S FUCKING PREGANT?! Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:15:25 PM via web
  686. OK, maybe they moved the crotch chop to this part. Because it would be fucking perfect here. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:12:55 PM via web
  687. God, thinking about those fucking Chilean Miners still makes me motherfucking weep. Beautiful fucking people, stuck in a tiny fucking hole. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:12:09 PM via web
  688. OK, so I wrote this part too. Unless SOMEONE went and changed it again, it should end with him double-chopping his cock and saying "SUCK IT" Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:09:46 PM via web
  689. @markpopham but... but... HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT FUCKING KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT?! Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:03:27 PM via web in reply to markpopham
  690. Wait, wait wait--SHE didn't know she was pregnant either? The fuck, people? Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:00:43 PM via web
  691. See, I'd told him to not mention Iraq or Afghanistan. "Nobody fucking remembers them. Don't fucking remind them." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:58:21 PM via web
  692. Yeah, maybe I'm fucking standing on my fucking hotel bed fucking cheering about getting rid of "frivolous lawsuits." Maybe now? In Illinois? Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:52:07 PM via web
  693. Do you think Boehner painted open eyes on his eyelids, and he's just back there fucking snoozing? Fucking CLAP man. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:49:19 PM via web
  694. See, I wrote that part too. Except it was originally "Let's fix what fucking needs fixing, and then let's move the fuck forward." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:47:35 PM via web
  695. Wait a second--SHE didn't know she was pregnant? How the fucking fuck did that happen? Oh shit, sorry. Flipping back. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:38:30 PM via web
  696. Boehner's really going for the "asshole of the year" award, huh? Yeah, douchebag, don't clap for student fucking aide. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:35:27 PM via web
  697. I'm not saying that I flipped away for a bit, but I will tell you there is a motherfucking "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" marathon on. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:32:12 PM via web
  698. Oh fuck, OK he took it in a different direction. Quaxelrod things the "win the future" thing is a nice flourish. I think it's for the birds. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:22:30 PM via web
  699. OK, see, I wrote this part. It ends with "Fuck Bush in his motherfucking shriveled fucking asshole. First CEO president my ass." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:19:59 PM via web
  700. It's two years of experience with this when I tell you: The key is to keep your motherfucking eyes locked on fucking Biden. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:12:54 PM via web
  701. Jesus Christ. Boehner's not even orange anymore. He's burnt fucking ochre. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:10:56 PM via web
  702. I had a whole State of the Union drinking game lined up, then I decided just to drink fucking all of it to begin with. Whoo fucking hoo. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:09:28 PM via web
  703. That's right Obama, walk down that aisle, and bust people's chops. "You were looking a little scruffy." That fucking scruffy fuck. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:08:44 PM via web
  704. Jesus fucking christ. I turn on the hotel TV and the first thing I have to see is Bill Daley's bald fucking head? Fuck. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:03:48 PM via web
  705. Don't know if Obama's going to use the draft of the speech I wrote before I left. If he opens with double fucking birds, it's mine. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 6:12:18 PM via web
  706. Found a hotel room for the night. Dropping some major campaign cash. Holiday Inn Express, bitches. Quaxelrod can use the pool. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 5:39:23 PM via web
  707. Fifty-two motherfucking percent, you stupid fucking motherfuckers. Quaxelrod is so excited, he's molting. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 4:58:33 PM via web
  708. Fuck this noise. Quaxelrod? Hambone? We've got a motherfucking election to motherfucking win. Let's do this shit. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:24:51 PM via web
  709. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm floating my way down to Chinatown right now for some Dim Sum." And Daley's gone again, into the fog. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:19:00 PM via web
  710. "And once you've won, you're going to fuck with every last one of these motherfuckers until they wish they'd never even heard your name." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:18:14 PM via web
  711. "So you're going to turn this ice floe around, pack up your pets, and run for the goddamn mayor of Chicago and you're going to win." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:16:54 PM via web
  712. "Except he didn't say 'everyone,' he said 'Blacks, Jews, Poles, and Hippies' but those were different times. Fucking substance is the same." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:14:04 PM via web
  713. "Here's something my Dad told me once: The role of the mayor is to be the guy that everyone takes a shit on. And then to shit on them back." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:13:13 PM via web
  714. "You think when they started pissing on the parking meter sale that I fucking tucked tail? No, I sold off everyfuckingthing else too." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:11:21 PM via web
  715. "You think when I wanted to close Miegs Field, and they told me no, that I went adrift? No. I fucking closed Miegs fucking Field." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:10:40 PM via web
  716. "But really man, pull yourself the fuck together. You're running for mayor. Of Chicago. People are going to fuck with you all the time." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:09:20 PM via web
  717. "First off, you're back on. I mean, for now. Probably forever. The Supremes are assfucks, but they're my assfucks." Daley's hands are HUGE. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:08:20 PM via web
  718. It's Daley! Floating the other way. "You're a hard man to find, you know. Here's some bread for your duck. Shut him the fuck up." Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:03:29 PM via web
  719. Quaxelrod just started quacking like crazy. It's foggy, but I can see someone else fucking floating toward us. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 12:01:00 PM via web
  720. Me, Hambone and Quaxelrod found a pretty sturdy sheet of ice and we're going to fucking float down the river for a while. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 10:22:55 AM via web
  721. There's a duck along the river here who has a bill with a little dark spot on it, like a mustache. Named him Axelrod. Quack fucking quack. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 10:10:41 AM via web
  722. The river water is brown like coffee, but it sure doesn't taste like coffee. I think I miss coffee the motherfucking most. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 9:15:33 AM via web
  723. Woke up to Hambone licking my face. Now we're tossing chunks of ice into the river. Big fucking splash. Scared the ducks. Tuesday, January 25, 2011 8:05:54 AM via web
  724. Found a spot under a bridge on Cortland. It's pretty here, and there's a hot air vent. This'll do. What a motherfucking fucked day. Monday, January 24, 2011 9:26:35 PM via web
  725. Now it's just me and Axelrod's little puppy Hambone. Against the motherfucking world. Monday, January 24, 2011 9:15:48 PM via web
  726. Last I saw Carl the Intern and Axelrod, they were going to drive the Civic into City Hall. They're probably fucking locked up now. Monday, January 24, 2011 9:11:19 PM via web
  727. We trashed the apartment so fucking bad, there's nothing to go back to. Monday, January 24, 2011 9:10:31 PM via web
  728. It's nice, this fucking city, in the dark. The snow and the ice. The bridges. The water. It's quiet. I just need some fucking quiet. Monday, January 24, 2011 8:56:03 PM via web
  729. I ain't got time for this fucking game. Monday, January 24, 2011 8:51:43 PM via web
  730. And the fucking streets don't change but maybe the name. Monday, January 24, 2011 8:50:42 PM via web
  731. It's hard to see with so many around. You know I don't like being stuck in a motherfucking crowd. Monday, January 24, 2011 8:49:43 PM via web
  732. Fuck. I've been walking these streets at night. Just trying to get it right. Monday, January 24, 2011 8:49:01 PM via web
  733. fuck. Monday, January 24, 2011 1:16:29 PM via web
  734. motherfucking why Monday, January 24, 2011 1:16:05 PM via web
  735. fucking why Monday, January 24, 2011 1:15:44 PM via web
  736. motherfucking empty fucking emptiness. again. Monday, January 24, 2011 1:14:32 PM via web
  737. They'll get to you too. They'll destroy you. They're untouchable, man... I'm so fucking exhausted I can't see straight. Monday, January 24, 2011 1:09:54 PM via web
  738. Double birds to the motherfucking world. TO THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. Monday, January 24, 2011 1:04:35 PM via web
  739. shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit Monday, January 24, 2011 12:59:17 PM via web
  740. Every fucking thing in this motherfucking apartment is going through the front fucking window right fucking now. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:53:44 PM via web
  741. HOLY FUCK: Axelrod just flipped the Civic. This shit just got motherfucking realer than real. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:50:25 PM via web
  742. Carl the Intern just tossed a lit mattress through the window. "We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn." Monday, January 24, 2011 12:46:00 PM via web
  743. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck Monday, January 24, 2011 12:42:55 PM via web
  744. Axelrod's got his Bears helmet on and is just fucking punching gaping fucking holes in the walls with his motherfucking head. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:38:30 PM via web
  745. Holy fuck, we're so not getting the security deposit back on this motherfucking apartment. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:36:23 PM via web
  746. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm just lighting any fucking thing on fire right now. Just to feel fucking something. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:32:20 PM via web
  747. I FUCKING HATE THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD. LET'S FUCKING GO, ASSHOLES. WHO MOTHERFUCKING WANTS SOME? Monday, January 24, 2011 12:31:10 PM via web
  748. Throwing that chair through the window wasn't the best fucking decision in the world just now. Now we're fucked AND it's cold. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:27:08 PM via web
  749. My brain feels like it's on motherfucking fire. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:23:22 PM via web
  750. OK, Carl the Intern makes a good point: Appellate courts are for pussies. We're going to motherfucking Supreme this bullshit. Monday, January 24, 2011 12:21:33 PM via web
  751. Motherfucking shit fucking fuck shitters. What the fucking fuck motherfucking happened?! Monday, January 24, 2011 12:18:35 PM via web
  752. Oh coffee, you glorious motherfucking bean. Monday, January 24, 2011 7:48:04 AM via web
  753. Tweedy's post-game snack: the Hanie. A jalepeno popper stuffed inside a pizza roll. "Tastes like sadness." Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:47:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  754. I'm not sure Axelrod's ever going to fucking get over this. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:20:04 PM via web
  755. Kanye's got his vocoder set to a minor fucking key. We're all lost in this motherfucking world. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:17:57 PM via web
  756. Fucking empty motherfucking emptiness. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:16:20 PM via web
  757. Oh goddamn motherfuck. That's the fucking motherfucking game. I am going to get so fucking drunk I'll be hungover until Wednesday. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:14:29 PM via web
  758. When Axelrod gets stressed out, he has to take a shit. He's been in the bathroom for most of this fucking quarter. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:09:27 PM via web
  759. Caleb Hanie. Be the ball. There is no motherfucking spoon. Sunday, January 23, 2011 5:04:49 PM via web
  760. I need to get one of those giant fucking sidelines jackets. They look so fucking bad-ass. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:59:09 PM via web
  761. MOTHEFUCKING TOUCH FUCKING DOWN!!! HOLY FUCKING FUCK. WE CAN DO THIS FUCKING SHIT. BEAR THE FUCK DOWN. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:57:05 PM via web
  762. Just sent Carl the Intern out for the biggest fuck-it bucket of chicken you have ever fucking seen. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:54:53 PM via web
  763. Fucking fuck motherfucking fuck. The fucking tubby guy just scored? Fucking fuck this fucking shit. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:52:31 PM via web
  764. I will give Green Bay this: They have the most incredible display of man-tits I have ever fucking seen in my life. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:42:30 PM via web
  765. Spielberg's smart fucking mouth isn't fucking mouthing so much now. Let's motherfucking do this. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:38:49 PM via web
  766. I HAVE NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF YOU EVER, BUT RIGHT NOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY GODDAMN WIFE. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:29:27 PM via web
  767. CALEB FUCKING HAINE! YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING MAN! Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:28:46 PM via web
  768. Jesus fucking Christ. They're just pulling people out of the fucking stands to be quarterback at this point, aren't they? Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:23:03 PM via web
  769. Come on Hester. Be the bad-ass motherfucker we know you are. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:20:13 PM via web
  770. Carl the Intern is on seventh fucking heaven with Collins in. "It's like they're sending interns onto the field." He's fucking right. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:13:00 PM via web
  771. Tweedy and Pritzker got back with the pizza rolls. Thank fucking god. Finally some good news. Sunday, January 23, 2011 4:05:55 PM via web
  772. Hey Cutler: My knee hurt before I had to dance Swan Lake once. And you know what? I fucking danced the motherfuck out of it. Fuck you. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:58:57 PM via web
  773. I fucking hate fucking everything right fucking now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:56:55 PM via web
  774. MOTHERFUCKING BRIAN FUCKING URLACHER IS THE GREATEST FUCKING MAN IN MOTHERFUCKING HISTORY. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:54:22 PM via web
  775. Kanye's choking back fucking tears: "Cutler's knee injury is a nice match for my heart injury." Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:51:22 PM via web
  776. Ari thought he could put the wings fire out by peeing on it. Turns out, that's not a great fucking idea. Carl the Intern's on a gauze run. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:48:27 PM via web
  777. Second fucking hot wings fire of the day. This shit just isn't getting any better, is it? Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:46:45 PM via web
  778. We finally got Spielberg to take off his cheesehead, but he's got a Packers doo rag on underneath it. What the fuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:41:06 PM via web
  779. My "MOTHERFUCK GREEN BAY" tattoo is going to look really fucking stupid if this game doesn't turn around. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:35:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  780. At this point, the only thing turning this motherfucking game around are some goddamn pizza rolls. Tweedy and Pritzker are making the run. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:28:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  781. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:24:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  782. Motherfucking interception, you bitches. Let's motherfucking do this shit. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:23:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  783. Kanye's a fucking mess right now. This game needs to turn around. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:09:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  784. Fucking goddamn motherfucking fuck. Fucking shit fucking fuck. Fucking fucktards need to fucking play this fucking game. Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:06:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  785. Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I'm going to go crawl under a motherfucking blanket now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:51:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  786. Kanye showed up with the same fucking motorola headsets the coaches have. We're all wearing them. We look fucking awesome. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:45:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  787. Fuck sack, motherfuckers! That's fucking right. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:38:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  788. Kanye just called, in tears. "I can't watch this shit on my own. Can I drop by?" Fuck yes, Yeezy. Fuck yes. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:33:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  789. Christ, I am nowhere near fucking drunk enough for this motherfucking game. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:21:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  790. Ari brought Spielberg, who is wearing a motherfucking cheese head. We're holding Axelrod back right now. Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:15:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  791. Fucking Christ fuck. What the fucking shit fucking fuck was that fucking bullshit? Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:12:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  792. I haven't even finished one of Tweedy's brownies yet, and the Packers are on the one? What the goddamn fuck? Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:11:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  793. Doorbell. Holy fucking fuck, it's Ari. "You didn't think I'd miss this, did you, you stupid little shit?" Sunday, January 23, 2011 2:10:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  794. Jeff Tweedy showed up with a giant plate of motherfucking brownies. "Game on, bitches." Sunday, January 23, 2011 1:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  795. Penny Pritzker just showed up with treats: shot glasses with $100 bills in them. "Who's getting a money shot?" Sunday, January 23, 2011 1:23:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  796. So it turns out vodka isn't a very good fire extinguisher. Finally got it out with Axelrod's Bears Snuggie. In-fucking-flammable. Sunday, January 23, 2011 12:23:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  797. Motherfucking hot wing fryer fire! Holy fucking shit! Sunday, January 23, 2011 11:34:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  798. 9am Game Day. Let's get our motherfucking drink on. Sunday, January 23, 2011 9:14:23 AM via web
  799. Axelrod just got his tat finished: Calvin in a Bears uniform pissing on a block of cheese. "It's also cause I'm fucking lactose intolerant." Saturday, January 22, 2011 1:20:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  800. Plouffe called. Our ad for tomorrow's game is a "no go." The fuck is wrong with an ad of Axelrod wiping his ass on a Packers Helmet? Saturday, January 22, 2011 9:04:02 AM via web
  801. Oh, it did not just fucking snow again. I am so fucking over this motherfucking winter bullshit. Saturday, January 22, 2011 7:45:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  802. Motherfucking motherfuck. Finally pulled my fucking lips off that fucking frozen flagpole. There's blood absolutely goddamn everywhere. Friday, January 21, 2011 7:34:54 PM via web
  803. Um. It's fucking dark and fucking cold out here. Uh. Help? Friday, January 21, 2011 6:41:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  804. Anyway, looks like I'm going to fucking miss it unless Mr. Fucking Funny shows up with some warm water to melt this frozen pole. Friday, January 21, 2011 5:40:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  805. Carl the Intern lined up some stupid fucking comedian to do a stupid fucking fundraiser for me tonight. Because you know what we need? Money Friday, January 21, 2011 5:38:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  806. Axelrod, Carl the Intern, and I went out to kiss the flagpoles outside Soldier Field--you know, for fucking luck--and now we're stuck. Friday, January 21, 2011 3:55:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  807. The only thing getting me through this frozen fucking day is the fact that it's Friday. Friday, January 21, 2011 9:54:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  808. We sent Carl the Intern out to get coffee, and he came back with three cups of motherfucking brown ice. Fuck this shit. Friday, January 21, 2011 8:31:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  809. Fuck this motherfucking brutal fucking cold right in its frozen fucking asshole. Friday, January 21, 2011 7:40:29 AM via web
  810. @copedog It took you 24 fucking hours to come up with that? Nice fucking work, dickweed. Thursday, January 20, 2011 11:44:25 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to copedog
  811. @alisavino he's in Chicago tonight, shithead. Thursday, January 20, 2011 5:22:37 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to alisavino
  812. This tattoo is getting blood all over my tux for the Hu dinner. I hope nobody slaps me on the motherfucking back. Thursday, January 20, 2011 5:05:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  813. @chitownpolitics Normally I think you're an asshole, but I'll take that one as a motherfucking compliment. Thursday, January 20, 2011 4:25:51 PM via web in reply to chitownpolitics
  814. It's nice, after a day sitting in truck on the side of I-90, to know that I have a giant fucking pile of money to roll the fuck around on. Thursday, January 20, 2011 4:12:03 PM via web
  815. I've got 10.6 million fucking reasons the other motherfuckers are motherfucked. Thursday, January 20, 2011 3:53:36 PM via web
  816. @avoidtheleper what else is motherfucking new. Thursday, January 20, 2011 3:31:36 PM via web in reply to avoidtheleper
  817. Also, if you need any motherfucking toilet paper we've probably got some extra. Thursday, January 20, 2011 3:28:58 PM via web
  818. So I'm not saying we got stopped by the cops in Beloit, but I will say that I doubt we're going back to fucking Wisconsin any time soon. Thursday, January 20, 2011 3:22:42 PM via web
  819. After the TPing, we're all getting tattoos. I'm getting "MOTHERFUCK GREEN BAY" across my shoulder blades. Thursday, January 20, 2011 8:45:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  820. Hope you stocked up on toilet paper, because we just cleared Costco the fuck out. Wisconsin won't know what fucking hit it. Thursday, January 20, 2011 8:09:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  821. Where can I buy a motherfucking vat of coffee? I don't want a fucking cup, I want an endless fucking vat. Thursday, January 20, 2011 7:34:35 AM via web
  822. @copedog seriously dude, who gives a fucking fuck? Thursday, January 20, 2011 12:30:49 AM via web in reply to copedog
  823. @kwithk when the playoff game to end all motherfucking playoff games is in four days? No. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 9:07:55 PM via web in reply to somepolack
  824. Plan for tomorrow is to rent a truck, head to Costco, load up, and drive north to TP the living fuck out of Wisconsin. Go Bears. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:58:37 PM via web
  825. Motherfucking cock-chokers. How the fucking fuck is it only Wednesday? Spent all goddamn day thinking it was Thursday. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 4:50:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  826. We gotta get Clinton back to the airport now. I don't know how the fuck he's going to explain that big scar on his cheek to Hillary. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:23:31 AM via web
  827. And now Carl's planting a big kiss on Clinton, and he's just laying there hands behind his head with a big shit-eating grin. What the fuck? Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:15:07 AM via web
  828. Now Axelrod and Carl the Intern are arguing and Hambone starts barking like crazy. Axelrod spins around and says, "Bark it up, fuzzball." Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:13:57 AM via web
  829. Clinton looks strong enough to pull the ears off a motherfucking gundark. Axelrod says, "That's two you owe me, Big Bear." Wednesday, January 19, 2011 10:04:28 AM via web
  830. Now they're back and Carl the Intern's filling this big-ass tube with hot water. Sticking Clinton in there to warm him the fuck up. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 9:25:58 AM via web
  831. Axelrod cut open the back seat of his Civic--"I thought they smelled bad on the outside"--and stuffed Clinton inside to keep him warm. Wednesday, January 19, 2011 9:21:46 AM via web
  832. Axelrod found him, face down in a snow bank muttering something about Ben Bernake. Just "Ben... Ben... Ben..." over and over. The fuck? Wednesday, January 19, 2011 9:16:56 AM via web
  833. Axelrod's going to search, but Carl the Intern said his Civic will freeze before he reaches the first marker. "Then I'll see you in hell!" Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:30:51 AM via web
  834. Woke up and Clinton's gone! His clothes and wallet are here. He's gonna fucking freeze out there. Come back, Big Bear! Wednesday, January 19, 2011 8:28:15 AM via web
  835. Axelrod managed to get Clinton in a fucking sleeper hold. Sweet dreams, Big Bear. Sweet Dreams. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:56:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  836. Clinton's smeared raw fucking hamburger all over himself and is sliding across the plastic-sheeted floor. "I'm the king of the world!" Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:34:01 PM via web
  837. Clinton's up again. And he's crying. Giant fucking rivers of tears. This night is never going to fucking end. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 9:35:39 PM via web
  838. And he's passed out again. Tends to go like this all fucking night with the Big Bear. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 7:54:31 PM via web
  839. Managed to distract Clinton with news about Joe fucking Lieberman's retirement. Good riddance, you fucking froggy-voiced fuck. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 7:30:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  840. @JPeep I assure you that we're enjoying this even fucking less than you are. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 6:25:31 PM via web in reply to JPeep
  841. Here's the other thing: We don't actually have any fucking girls. Carl & Axelrod are going to do their best. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 6:20:31 PM via web
  842. God, I fucking hope we've got enough plastic sheeting. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 6:17:07 PM via web
  843. Clinton just woke up and announced, "The Big Bear's ready to meat wrestle. Where're the girls?" Fuck. I hoped he'd stay asleep. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 6:15:17 PM via web
  844. Got Clinton back to my place, where he announced, "The Big Bear's gotta hibernate," and immediately passed the fuck out. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 3:14:26 PM via web
  845. Finally got Clinton off the fucking stage. "But I was about to show them 'the Flamingo!'' Tuesday, January 18, 2011 12:16:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  846. Holy fucking fuck: Clinton just asked, "Who's seen 'The Puppetry of the Penis?'" ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:54:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  847. Clinton's up on stage, drinking straight from the bottle. Crowd is tossing money and panties. The Big Bear's still fucking got it. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:35:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  848. It's been a while since I've hung out with Clinton. When did he start referring to himself as "The Big Bear" fucking exclusively? Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:12:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  849. Clinton's been shotgunning vodka the whole drive in from the airport. I think I can hear his liver fucking sobbing. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 11:09:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  850. Stuck in this fucking slush-fest on the way to the airport to pick up Clinton. Axelrod's spun out the Civic three times already. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 10:22:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  851. I'm going to need a motherfucking Clinton-sized coffee to get me through this bullshit today. Tuesday, January 18, 2011 7:26:00 AM via web
  852. @juggernautco Never hung out with Clinton before, huh? It's just a lot easier than trying to get the fucking stains out after. Monday, January 17, 2011 9:43:14 PM via web in reply to juggernautco
  853. @benkenigsberg Jesus fucking Christ man, grow a pair. Monday, January 17, 2011 8:58:35 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to benkenigsberg
  854. Spent the entire day getting ready for Clinton. Plastic sheeting is a goddamn bitch to attach to the ceiling. Monday, January 17, 2011 5:01:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  855. Motherfucking shopping list for Clinton's visit tomorrow: 6lbs of hamburger, 18 bottles of vodka, 100 yards of plastic sheeting. Monday, January 17, 2011 9:40:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  856. Axelrod just sat bolt upright, said "THE GOLDEN GLOBES!" And took off fucking running. Guess it's time to head home. Sunday, January 16, 2011 5:15:37 PM via web
  857. Still in the South Lot. Axelrod won't fucking move. It's OK though. My fucking Jack Daniel's bottle costume is surprisingly warm. Sunday, January 16, 2011 4:33:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  858. Green fucking Bay is fucking fucked. Let's just do this shit today. Sunday, January 16, 2011 3:25:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  859. What the fucking fuck is going on here? Sunday, January 16, 2011 3:21:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  860. I hope Green Bay likes to get motherfucked. Sunday, January 16, 2011 3:01:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  861. We're going to need a fucking wheelbarrow to get Axelrod home. Can someone bring one by the South Lot? Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  862. I fucking blacked out for a minute there. Who the fuck let Seattle score? Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:43:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  863. @KellyTwomey Jesus fucking Christ. Keep the fuck up: Only Carl got in. We're watching the game in some dude's van. Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:27:04 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KellyTwomey
  864. Mother-touching fuck-down! Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:15:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  865. If you've never missed a Super Bowl then you're a fucking asshole. Who thought these fucks were good spokespeople? Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:08:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  866. Hey Seattle, we're giving out free concussions all motherfucking game. Just step right the fuck up. Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:06:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  867. I say we just have Cutler run it every fucking play. Sunday, January 16, 2011 2:02:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  868. @jcstarzyk bottle neck fit through the fucking sun roof. Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:53:32 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcstarzyk
  869. @jcstarzyk he got a ticket to the game on the fucking 50. We've been watching the game inside some dude's van. Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:43:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcstarzyk
  870. Axelrod was putting on his Staley costume for halftime, but all he could manage was the head before he started fucking puking. Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:40:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  871. Axelrod's been doing a shot every time Seattle has had to punt. And Bears touchdowns. And time outs. And penalties. He's fucking gone. Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:26:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  872. Motherfucking Jay fucking Cutler ladies and fucking gentlemen. Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:01:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  873. There's a rule that Seattle can just give the fuck up, right? Sunday, January 16, 2011 1:00:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  874. Fuck yes you beautiful fucking team. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:43:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  875. Motherfucking touch motherfucking down motherfuckers. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:11:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  876. After all this, nobody's found a fucking ticket for the goddamn game except Carl. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:03:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  877. You're looking at the motherfucking king of the South Lot kegstands, bitches. Sunday, January 16, 2011 12:00:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  878. Carl the Intern just did a routine to C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat" that brought this whole fucking parking lot to a standstill Sunday, January 16, 2011 11:20:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  879. I'm in my giant Jack bottle knocking people down Urlacher-style and yelling "YOU JUST GOT JACK'D." Then we do a fucking shot. Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:43:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  880. Axelrod's doing fucking handsprings in his fucking Bear costume. Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:21:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  881. Axelrod's leading the entire fucking south lot in singing "Bear Down, Chicago Bears" except he's singing it as "Drink Up, Chicago Fans." Sunday, January 16, 2011 10:12:19 AM via web
  882. @sridinats Plouffe handles most of my press. Give him a call: (202) F-U-C-K-O-F-F Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:38:59 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  883. Axelrod's drinking tube is capped with a funnel. Every block or so, he's stopping and yelling, "PUT IT IN THE FUCKING FUNNEL!! Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:37:30 AM via web
  884. My giant bottle of Jack costume is too tall to fit on the L. Fuck. If you see a huge bottle of whiskey walking down Milwaukee, that's me. Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:30:15 AM via web
  885. @sridinats Sure, just give me a call: (312) E-A-T-S-H-I-T Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:29:19 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  886. We tried to talk him out of it, but Carl the Intern is dressed as a Lovabull. He's going to be fucking cold. Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:26:58 AM via web
  887. @sridinats You know how I'm spending my pregame? Not fucking talking to fucking you. Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:24:21 AM via web in reply to sridinats
  888. Heading down to tailgate at motherfucking Soldier Field. Axelrod's wearing his homemade Staley costume, rigged with a drinking tube. Sunday, January 16, 2011 9:22:13 AM via web
  889. Up too motherfucking early this morning. Fuck this fucking bullshit. Sunday, January 16, 2011 8:51:57 AM via web
  890. Motherfucking shit fuckers. I just slammed my motherfucking finger stub in the fucking door of Axelrod's fucking Civic. Saturday, January 15, 2011 1:46:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  891. @shylobisnett I worry more about motherfucking flavor. Saturday, January 15, 2011 10:06:50 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to shylobisnett
  892. Climbing the motherfucking french toast mountain this morning. Tally fucking ho. Saturday, January 15, 2011 9:29:30 AM via web
  893. @BrianZable you're motherfucking kidding, right? Friday, January 14, 2011 8:31:01 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BrianZable
  894. MOTHERFUCKING RED FUCKING ALERT: "Reince Preibus" is a motherfucking anagram for "Beer's Epic Ruin." Friday, January 14, 2011 5:30:33 PM via web
  895. What the fucking fuck kind of name is "Reince Priebus"? Friday, January 14, 2011 5:23:57 PM via web
  896. Five o'clock, bitches--punch the fuck out. It's motherfucking Friday fucking night. Friday, January 14, 2011 4:58:54 PM via web
  897. @aaronmandersen fuck me if it isn't an iPod Touch. No wonder he never answers it. Friday, January 14, 2011 1:42:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  898. Thank fucking Christ that's over. Now we need to figure out a way to get Carl the Intern down. He's fucking stuck up there. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:56:59 PM via web
  899. @high_number @ComfortablySmug turns out it's a motherfucking iPod Touch. So fucking sue me. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:50:46 PM via web in reply to high_number
  900. Apparently, these other fucking candidates won't be happy until I fuck a motherfucking Care Bear. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:39:06 PM via web
  901. Now Carl the Intern is swinging by the window, flashing double birds. That kid's fucking going places. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:29:15 PM via web
  902. Can I get a voucher to skip the next fucking debate? Friday, January 14, 2011 12:22:19 PM via web
  903. Well that's a fucking let down. There goes my motherfucking Monday night. Clinton's going to make us watch Saw again instead. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:11:43 PM via web
  904. Wait just one fucking second. I Spit on Your Grave only came out in October. They made 13 more movies in 3 months? I call bullshit, Carol. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:10:44 PM via web
  905. How the fucking fuck did I miss 13 installments in the "I Spit on Your Grave" franchise? Well, now I know what Clinton and I will be doing. Friday, January 14, 2011 12:06:55 PM via web
  906. It took forty-five fucking minutes to get to the parking meter deal. Fucking Axelrod wins the bet--I thought it would take three. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:52:00 AM via web
  907. @nbeaudrot no you're not, you're just a fucking idiot that believes in fucking fairy tales. Grow the fuck up. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:49:38 AM via web in reply to nbeaudrot
  908. @ramsincanon I forget: is it class warfare if I tell you to suck it out of my asshole? Friday, January 14, 2011 11:49:08 AM via web in reply to ramsincanon
  909. The worst part about this debate is that Plouffe faxed over a list of words I couldn't say including "dickweed" and "twatwaffle." Fuck. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:46:16 AM via web
  910. @ComfortablySmug his stepmom doesn't even let him have a cell phone. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:43:58 AM via web in reply to ComfortablySmug
  911. By all means, let's take time to talk about a motherfucking children's fucking museum. That seems fucking useful. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:43:35 AM via web
  912. Jesus fucking christ, could these questions be more predictable? How we just tell you assholes what you're going to ask next. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:41:40 AM via web
  913. The best part about this fucking debate is that Carl the Intern is hanging outside the window on a washing platform, mooning the ed board. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:33:41 AM via web
  914. So Braun's plan to get us out of this budget crisis is apparently to pull a motherfucking unicorn out of her ass. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:17:15 AM via web
  915. My next response might be to just bang my head on the table until it fucking bleeds. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:11:05 AM via web
  916. Hearing Braun talk about austerity budgets is like listening to a fat guy talk about fasting. Stick with what you fucking know. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:08:53 AM via web
  917. When Del Valle talks, I swear to fucking god it sounds like one of the teachers in a fucking Charlie Brown cartoon. Mwah wah waaah, wah-uh. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:03:13 AM via web
  918. Good thing we're sitting around a table, because I have to squeeze my balls occasionally just to stay awake. Boring fucking motherfuckers. Friday, January 14, 2011 11:00:58 AM via web
  919. Debate at the motherfucking Tribune offices this morning. Top on my list of bullshit that I don't want to fucking do. Friday, January 14, 2011 10:58:06 AM via web
  920. Someone needs to carve a portrait of whoever invented coffee into the side of a motherfucking mountain. Friday, January 14, 2011 7:42:49 AM via web
  921. Jesus fucking Christ, let's get this hand-shaking over with. Thursday, January 13, 2011 5:22:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  922. One day, I'm never going to step foot in another goddamn L stop ever a-fucking-gain. Today is not that fucking day. Thursday, January 13, 2011 5:10:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  923. Pork chop sandwiches for lunch. Bone-in, bitches. Thursday, January 13, 2011 12:06:24 PM via web
  924. Motherfuck, this is a fucking hot cup of fucking coffee. I think I just burned my motherfucking uvula. Thursday, January 13, 2011 8:17:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  925. @KZableh Wow, you win a fucking prize. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 7:14:57 PM via web in reply to KZableh
  926. Plouffe faxed over a list of all the motherfucking "mayoral forums" coming up. I would rather shoot my left ball off than go to them all. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 5:41:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  927. Supposed to read position statements, but instead spent the last three hours listening to that motherfucking Kanye record. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 3:11:03 PM via web
  928. @cowsharky fucking fuck you, you stupid fucking motherfucker. Fucking happy now, asshole? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 1:39:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cowsharky
  929. Rabbi Lopatin stopped by. He's got a sock full of batteries that is happy to explain to anyone the meaning of "blood libel." Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:45:33 AM via web
  930. Axelrod is making four middle-finger ice sculptures to put in front of Braun's house. One for every fucking mortgage she has. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:32:20 AM via web
  931. Normally in Springfield everyone's too busy shitting themselves to actually get anything fucking done. What fucking happened? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 8:51:41 AM via web
  932. @vdld My profanity reveals that I'm a fake fucking account, you stupid fuck. Wednesday, January 12, 2011 8:43:45 AM via web in reply to vdld
  933. Jesus fucking Christ, who replaced the Illinois statehouse with politicians with actual fucking balls? Wednesday, January 12, 2011 8:39:32 AM via web
  934. We fucked that sledding hill so hard that it's not going to walk straight for a week. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 1:07:10 PM via web
  935. Last sledding run is a pile-on: Axelrod on the bottom, then Carl, then me, with motherfucking Hambone barking away on top. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 1:03:21 PM via web
  936. Jesus fucking christ, I got half the fucking hill's worth of snow down my snowpants on that last run. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:48:08 PM via web
  937. When Axelrod gets to the bottom, he jumps off the sled, holds his hands straight over his head, and yells "STUCK THE FUCKING LANDING!" Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:41:32 PM via web
  938. Axelrod's sledding outfit is one of the leftover luge suits from the Chicago 2016 Olympics photo shoot. Helmet and all. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:36:32 PM via web
  939. @Saul_Chicago We just have Carl the Intern do most of that shit. He's got one of those iPhones. It's fucking incredible. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:32:44 PM via web in reply to Saul_Chicago
  940. Me, I've fucking puked twice from going down spinnies on a motherfucking disc. Walking up for round fucking three. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:31:00 PM via web
  941. Carl the Intern's trying to go down standing up, but he keeps fucking falling off backwards. He's going to have a concussion. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:30:11 PM via web
  942. Axelrod is a mustachioed bullet streaking down the side of that fucking hill. Zoo-fucking-oom. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:27:16 PM via web
  943. Fuck lunch, we're going motherfucking sledding. Cricket Hill, bitches! Tuesday, January 11, 2011 12:07:27 PM via web
  944. @RexRedbone cook county doesn't have a mayor, you dumb fucking fuck. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 8:48:53 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to RexRedbone
  945. Great. This fucking puppy is scared of the motherfucking snow. He's pissed all over the floor. Hambone sleeps in the fucking Civic tonight. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 7:46:21 AM via web
  946. Motherfucking mother of god, whoever the fuck thought snow was a good idea today is fucking dead to me. Tuesday, January 11, 2011 7:33:04 AM via web
  947. @Machines4Chico fuck you and your stupid fucking fake account. Monday, January 10, 2011 7:10:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Machines4Chico
  948. @subliculous if you mean fucking adorable, we've already figured that out. Monday, January 10, 2011 6:24:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to subliculous
  949. Hey Chico, you just got motherfucking Hamboned. Monday, January 10, 2011 6:13:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  950. Turns out Hambone is a motherfucking shitting machine. Heading out to "inaugurate" Chico's new offices. Monday, January 10, 2011 5:33:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  951. That said, Hambone is fucking sharp. Really good debate advice. Someone get him a fucking Scooby Snack. Monday, January 10, 2011 3:32:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  952. This entire afternoon meeting has been taken up by Axelrod talking like he's the fucking puppy. Monday, January 10, 2011 3:28:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  953. Fucking Christ, Axelrod found a puppy underneath the L tracks today. He named him "Hambone" and has been talking in fucking baby talk since. Monday, January 10, 2011 1:49:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  954. The best part about the new "People's Poll" that's out is that 98% of the "people" are just Carl the Intern fucking around. Monday, January 10, 2011 9:20:33 AM via web
  955. Certainly Crains Chicago motherfucking Business has more to write about than fucking me. Don't the Groupon guys need their diapers changed? Monday, January 10, 2011 8:02:24 AM via web
  956. Jesus fucking Christ, waiting for this fucking coffee to brew might just motherfucking kill me. Monday, January 10, 2011 7:48:55 AM via web
  957. @mdm219 The fuck are you talking about? That guy eats almost nothing but duck confit. Sunday, January 09, 2011 5:25:20 PM via web in reply to mdm219
  958. I'm not even going to dignify how it fucking happened, but fuck me if I'm ever helping Axelrod cook a roast again. Sunday, January 09, 2011 5:09:58 PM via web
  959. Jesus fucking Christ. I have been locked in a walk-in meat cooler most of the motherfucking day. My cock is frozen fucking solid. Sunday, January 09, 2011 5:06:06 PM via web
  960. Axelrod plays a game called "bagel king" where you toss a bagel at his finger. If it lands on it, he eats it. He's eaten fucking eight. Sunday, January 09, 2011 9:53:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  961. @ourmaninchicago @samabernethy I see a resemblance, but he's nowhere near motherfucking pretty enough. Saturday, January 08, 2011 6:40:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ourmaninchicago
  962. @SamAbernethy @ourmaninchicago the fucking fuck does that even fucking mean? Saturday, January 08, 2011 6:03:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  963. Motherfuck these tea party fuckholes. For fucking real. Saturday, January 08, 2011 4:37:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  964. Holy fucking fuck. I'm sitting in this goddamn massage chair all fucking day. Fuck you if you think I'm moving an inch. Saturday, January 08, 2011 8:39:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  965. Fuck all this fucking shit. It's Friday motherfucking night. Let's fucking go. Friday, January 07, 2011 5:37:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  966. He keeps giving me this "You know how it goes" shrug. And I keep giving him a "Fuck you, you fucking fuck" glare right back. Friday, January 07, 2011 5:07:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  967. We've had to repack this motherfucking truck twice. And the whole fucking time, Bill has been on his fucking phone. Friday, January 07, 2011 5:04:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  968. This motherfucking piano is not going to fit in the motherfucking truck. Friday, January 07, 2011 2:00:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  969. Daley's got all his clothes packed in giant motherfucking steamer trunks, like he's setting sail on the motherfucking Titanic. Friday, January 07, 2011 1:31:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  970. Motherfuck. Bill just came in and had a shitfit because it was supposed to be two motherfucking layers of tissue. Rewrapping now. Friday, January 07, 2011 12:16:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  971. Daley's fucking sea glass collection has to have each fucking piece individually fucking wrapped, first in tissue, then in bubble wrap. Friday, January 07, 2011 11:46:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  972. @moghza he rented a fucking U-Haul, dumbshit. Friday, January 07, 2011 10:43:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to moghza
  973. Guess who just had to "duck out on Presidential business," right as we were starting to move his fucking free weights. Friday, January 07, 2011 10:06:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  974. Bill motherfucking Daley must have a thousand fucking book boxes. My fucking back is going to be so fucking fucked. Friday, January 07, 2011 9:41:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  975. Daley moved some couch cushions, then started taking fucking calls. "I've gotta get this. Can you move that cast-iron stove?" Friday, January 07, 2011 9:20:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  976. In Axelrod's Civic on the way over to Bill Daley's place to help him move. He'd better have motherfucking donuts. Friday, January 07, 2011 7:55:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  977. Fourteen motherfucking voicemails like that. I'm tossing this fucking phone in the lake. Thursday, January 06, 2011 2:53:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  978. "Rahm, it's Bill. Since I've got your old job, and you're getting my brother's old job, I think you can help move these book boxes." Fuck. Thursday, January 06, 2011 2:52:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  979. Great. Now Bill Daley keeps calling. He wants me to help pack his motherfucking U-Haul. Fuck. Thursday, January 06, 2011 1:31:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  980. Axelrod just made breakfast. "I call it the Bacon Palace." My heart's going to fucking stop. Thursday, January 06, 2011 7:43:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  981. @SamAbernethy do you fucking think? Wednesday, January 05, 2011 5:37:10 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  982. Been trying to think of something nice to say about Bill Daley: His bald head is fucking magnificent. Too bad about the rest of him. Wednesday, January 05, 2011 4:29:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  983. Axelrod is in tears, he's laughing so fucking hard. "Do the part again where she made no money in 2009." Wednesday, January 05, 2011 10:44:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  984. Staging dramatic readings of Carol Moseley Braun's tax returns. Carl's playing the part of "What the fuck were you thinking?" Wednesday, January 05, 2011 10:19:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  985. Fucking goddamn motherfuck, I fucking need fucking coffee so motherfucking badly. Wednesday, January 05, 2011 8:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  986. @mdm219 have you looked at the completely fucked state of the fucking budget? We'll be putting ads on your asshole before its balanced. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 10:04:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mdm219
  987. @kwithk depends if it's for business or personal use, dumbfuck. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 8:49:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  988. I'm so excited to read Braun's tax returns tomorrow that I feel like a motherfucking kid on fucking Christmas goddamn Eve. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 7:45:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  989. @sodboy13 the dime is his motherfucking tip. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 4:46:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to sodboy13
  990. Won $78.35 at the boats. Going to convert it all to quarters and cram each one up Burt Odelson's motherfucking urethra. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 4:28:39 PM via Seesmic for Android
  991. We're taking this motherfucking winning streak to the motherfucking boats. Those fucking nickel slots won't know what fucking hit 'em. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 1:56:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  992. You motherfuckers want to appeal this shit, go right the fuck ahead. We're on the motherfucking winning streak to beat. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 1:42:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  993. RESIDENT THREE TIMES, BITCHES. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 1:24:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  994. Driving in Axelrod's Civic. He had to pull over because "I'll Be There," came on. We'll be here for an hour while he cries. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 12:18:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  995. Carl the Intern's at the circuit court with three pounds of my shit in ziplock bags. He's tossing 'em if the verdict comes in wrong. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 10:06:12 AM via web
  996. @madelynV if you're fucking stupid enough to watch Fox News, then you get what you fucking deserve. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:49:51 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to madelynV
  997. @madelynV the fucking fuck are you on about? Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:42:52 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to madelynV
  998. Just for fucking fun, I'm going to release my tax returns dating all the way back to motherfucking Arby's. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:42:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  999. The best part of the next six weeks is going to be watching Carol Moseley Braun slowly fucking self-destruct. Tuesday, January 04, 2011 9:41:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1000. New slogan: "Because this list of candidates keeps getting shittier: Emanuel '11" Monday, January 03, 2011 4:17:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1001. Main point of discussion: how little of a fuck do we give about Braun? Axelrod says a cock's-length. I say a twat's-hair. Monday, January 03, 2011 8:22:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1002. All-day meeting and someone ate all the motherfucking crullers? Fuck this shit. Monday, January 03, 2011 7:53:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1003. Fuck the motherfucking Green Bay fucking Packers. Sunday, January 02, 2011 6:06:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1004. Axelrod just about choked to death on a chicken wing after that motherfucking Packers touchdown. Fuck. Sunday, January 02, 2011 5:32:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1005. @jcgreenx the unfollow button is right over there, asshat. Sunday, January 02, 2011 5:30:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jcgreenx
  1006. This boring fucking game can suck on my motherfucking nuts. Sunday, January 02, 2011 5:27:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1007. Someone wake me up when they start playing fucking football. Sunday, January 02, 2011 3:58:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1008. We are swimming in motherfucking chicken wings over here. This fucking Bears game is fucking on. Sunday, January 02, 2011 3:34:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1009. Need. More. Motherfucking. Coffee. Sunday, January 02, 2011 8:31:53 AM via web
  1010. Jesus fucking Christ: Nobody can get Danny Davis to leave. He's just fucking lying around on the couch watching cartoons. Saturday, January 01, 2011 6:07:05 PM via web
  1011. @mdm219 You know who calls it that? Stupid motherfuckers and tourists. Which one are you? Saturday, January 01, 2011 12:03:29 PM via web in reply to mdm219
  1012. @nic_fisher you should know only assholes call it that. Saturday, January 01, 2011 10:10:05 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to nic_fisher
  1013. Thank fucking god: Carl's got coffee going and Kanye's making eggs for everyone. "My bacon scrambler is fucking incredible." Saturday, January 01, 2011 9:42:04 AM via web
  1014. Holy fuck. Apparently 2011 is going to start with a hangover the size of the motherfucking Sears Tower. Saturday, January 01, 2011 9:25:19 AM via web
  1015. Happy New Year, you stupid motherfuckers. 2011 is my goddamn year. But I'll let you borrow it from time to time. Saturday, January 01, 2011 12:03:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1016. Penny just showed up with her homebrew Four Loko. Davis is downing the tropical fucking punch flavor. Watch the fuck out. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:44:15 PM via web
  1017. Helen Mirren's fired up the motherfucking grill on the balcony. "Whip out your meat and I'll grill that shit." Friday, December 31, 2010 10:37:34 PM via web
  1018. Motherfuck: Ari just lit Carl's stepmom's underwear drawer on fire. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:12:12 PM via web
  1019. Kanye and Nobel Laureate Dale Mortensen have been playing beer pong against the Underpants Twins for like two fucking hours. Friday, December 31, 2010 10:10:28 PM via web
  1020. Also: Davis makes a fucking amazing drink called "the Leviathan." It's vodka, whiskey, strawberry yogurt, and peppermint schnapps. Friday, December 31, 2010 9:32:10 PM via web
  1021. It turns out Danny Davis is fucking awesome. He and Tweedy are signing "Islands in the Stream" together on the Karaoke machine. Friday, December 31, 2010 9:24:34 PM via web
  1022. Danny Davis just showed up. "Fuck this mayoral shit, I'm here to party!" He's doing body shots off Helen Mirren. Fuck yes. Friday, December 31, 2010 8:01:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1023. NUMBER ONE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BALLOT, BITCHES. Friday, December 31, 2010 7:36:51 PM via web
  1024. Holy fucking fuck: Jane motherfucking Byrne just showed up. "This isn't a goddamn endorsement kid, I just need to party." Friday, December 31, 2010 5:53:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1025. Jeff Tweedy brought Pictionary. This party is going to get fucking insane. New Years motherfucking Eve. Friday, December 31, 2010 4:45:51 PM via web
  1026. Vince Vaughn just called to say he couldn't make it. Which is weird, because he wasn't invited, because he's a boring motherfucker. Friday, December 31, 2010 4:13:48 PM via web
  1027. Samurai Mike Singletary just called to find out if it's OK if he brings a dessert instead of a side salad. Fuck. Friday, December 31, 2010 4:06:40 PM via web
  1028. Carl's starting to get nervous about hosting the party. Doesn't help that Helen Mirren keeps trying to give him a backrub. "Jusht relacsh." Friday, December 31, 2010 3:55:27 PM via web
  1029. Kanye brought his green bean casserole. Again. "I brought it because it's fucking delicious." Friday, December 31, 2010 3:39:08 PM via web
  1030. Ari brought guests: Kanye West, three Victoria's Secret models he calls "the underpants twins," and Helen Mirren. Helen's already drunk. Friday, December 31, 2010 3:35:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1031. Oh fuck: "Hey you stupid fucking asshole, guess who flew into town?" It's Ari. He's here. Friday, December 31, 2010 2:16:57 PM via web
  1032. Ernie Banks keeps popping up on the Caller ID, but we're all trying to avoid him. Motherfucker can not hold his liquor. Friday, December 31, 2010 2:13:36 PM via web
  1033. Penny Pritzker just called. Her chef is mixing up some homebrew Four Loko for the party tonight. Motherfucking double caffeine. Friday, December 31, 2010 2:05:43 PM via web
  1034. Carl the Intern's stepmom is out of town, so the party's at his house tonight you motherfuckers. Friday, December 31, 2010 12:45:49 PM via web
  1035. Axelrod's walking around wearing these fucking huge 2011 novelty glasses and his Speedo. "I'm the Baby fucking New Year." Friday, December 31, 2010 10:38:40 AM via web
  1036. New Years Eve, I am going to bust you the fuck open. Friday, December 31, 2010 9:23:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1037. Motherfucking sweet fucking coffee, there is nothing in the world better than you. Except maybe liquor. Or vaginas. Friday, December 31, 2010 8:14:18 AM via web
  1038. birds... birds... birds.... bird... fuck Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:28:59 PM via web
  1039. Also, I really need them to come and empty my motherfucking bucket. Because that shit is fucking full to the top. Thursday, December 30, 2010 9:47:37 PM via web
  1040. Axelrod and Carl are sitting outside my door, saying "We're doing this because we love you." Fuck them. I NEED MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRDS. Thursday, December 30, 2010 9:46:57 PM via web
  1041. Axelrod just stormed into my room, stomped on the iPod, left and locked the door. He left a bucket behind--the fuck is that for? Thursday, December 30, 2010 6:30:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1042. All I want right now is a motherfucking cheeseburger and to claw my goddamn eyes out. Instead I'm fucking flinging these fucking birds. Thursday, December 30, 2010 5:29:04 PM via web
  1043. I've been awake since 7:45 yesterday morning, and have been playing Angry Birds for the last 19 hours. I fucking hate everything. Thursday, December 30, 2010 5:25:18 PM via web
  1044. How many fucking levels are in this motherfucking game? Eight-fucking-thousand? Fuck. Thursday, December 30, 2010 4:16:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1045. These giant bowling ball red birds would be motherfucking amazing if this whole game wasn't fucking me in the ass right now. Thursday, December 30, 2010 3:09:36 PM via web
  1046. @KosherHam fuck you and your stupid fucking novelty T-shirt. Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:04:43 PM via web in reply to KosherHam
  1047. @KosherHam Again? I've been fucking playing since 10:38 last night. Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:00:16 PM via web in reply to KosherHam
  1048. @thomascbowen Oh, I'm motherfucking right fucking there right fucking now. Fuck these fucking things. Thursday, December 30, 2010 1:59:41 PM via web in reply to thomascbowen
  1049. These fucking boomerang birds might as well be flying up my own motherfucking asshole for all the fucking help they are. Thursday, December 30, 2010 1:52:09 PM via web
  1050. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this bullshit. Fuck this motherfucking green pig fortress bullshit. Thursday, December 30, 2010 12:35:02 PM via web
  1051. These motherfucking egg dropping birds are fucking driving me fucking crazy. How the fucking fuck am I supposed to control this shit? Thursday, December 30, 2010 11:41:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1052. They give you these motherfucking exploding fucking birds, but then they surround the goddamn pigs with fucking stone blocks? Fuck! Thursday, December 30, 2010 10:16:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1053. Seriously, Carl the Intern left his iPod Touch here and I've been up most of the fucking night playing it. It is motherfucking maddening. Thursday, December 30, 2010 8:10:34 AM via web
  1054. @litescript what a stupid fucking idea. Thursday, December 30, 2010 8:09:32 AM via web in reply to litescript
  1055. Fuck these Angry Birds right in their motherfucking feathered fucking vents. Thursday, December 30, 2010 8:04:32 AM via web
  1056. @jsundmanus I guarantee you that I would never motherfucking say that. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 9:12:03 PM via web in reply to jsundmanus
  1057. @scarpetablog and that helps me fucking how exactly? Wednesday, December 29, 2010 1:31:16 PM via web in reply to scarpetablog
  1058. If it gets above 40 tomorrow I'm putting on a fireproof suit, jumping in a spaceship, and flying up to fuck the glorious sun. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 1:29:32 PM via web
  1059. Motherfucking melt this fucking snow, you motherfucking southernly breeze. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 12:55:21 PM via web
  1060. Holy fuck! It's actually above motherfucking freezing outside right now. Axelrod's in his fucking Speedo. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 11:18:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1061. @BujeBaby Clearly you have access to this amazing fucking thing called the Internet, right? Try fucking using it. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:36:30 AM via web in reply to BujeBaby
  1062. Braun, if you want to get in on this bullshit too, know that we've got Hilary Rodman-Klinkton on motherfucking speed dial. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:32:38 AM via web
  1063. We've got a guy named Phil Clinton and another guy named Bill Kimpton on the motherfucking Megabus as we speak. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:29:30 AM via web
  1064. If your last name even rhymes with Clinton, you're getting a call from Carl the Intern and a ticket to Chicago on the fucking Greyhound. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:11:21 AM via web
  1065. We're bringing every motherfucking distant fucking relative of Bill Clinton to town, just to make Davis's head explode. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 8:09:20 AM via web
  1066. Jesus fucking Christ, there is not enough motherfucking coffee in the whole fucking world this morning. Wednesday, December 29, 2010 7:33:27 AM via web
  1067. Whoever is advising Davis is doing a motherfucking incredible job. Keep up the fucking fantastic work. Tuesday, December 28, 2010 8:26:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1068. This time between Christmas and New Years' may as well be renamed "Who Really Gives a Fuck Week." Tuesday, December 28, 2010 1:39:42 PM via web
  1069. Spent most of the night last night dumping buckets of water on Gery Chico's car. It's a motherfucking ice cube now. Tuesday, December 28, 2010 10:18:02 AM via web
  1070. This motherfucking cold weather makes me realize that Axelrod really need to up his fucking knowledge of hot liquor drinks. Monday, December 27, 2010 8:48:39 PM via web
  1071. Off to the Millenium Park ice rink. I'm going to show some motherfuckers what the motherfucking Russian Splits are all about. Monday, December 27, 2010 12:29:36 PM via web
  1072. Holy fucking fuck, someone get me a fucking cup of fucking coffee right fucking now. Monday, December 27, 2010 8:36:32 AM via web
  1073. Hey, New York, you just got fucked by the motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears. Sunday, December 26, 2010 3:22:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1074. @4danlopez it's not my fucking job to catch you up on shit you didn't read. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:39:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to 4danlopez
  1075. Axelrod just pulled up, jumped out of his car and keyed "FUCK YOU IN THE ASS" into the hood of her Escalade. Shit. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:38:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1076. Carl the Intern's stepmother just stopped by to drop off an extra pair of snowpants for him. She parked in Axelrod's space. Fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:34:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1077. @maureenjohnson that's not fucking likely. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:17:28 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1078. @maureenjohnson they know fucking better. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:15:37 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1079. @maureenjohnson I'm fucking Jewish, you stupid fucking fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:12:23 AM via web in reply to maureenjohnson
  1080. He's marked his space with 14 lawn chairs, an ironing board, and a pyramid of milk crates. He'll fucking shank someone if they move them. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:09:37 AM via web
  1081. Axelrod is a motherfucking parking-space shoveling artist. They should hang his fucking shovel in the Art Institute. Sunday, December 26, 2010 11:07:03 AM via web
  1082. Motherfuck this snow right in its motherfucking lake effect ass. Sunday, December 26, 2010 9:05:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1083. Motherfucking Benadryl hangover. Fuck. Sunday, December 26, 2010 8:50:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1084. After that, we're going to head home, do Benadryl shots and play motherfucking Uno. Christmas fucking sucks. Saturday, December 25, 2010 10:09:23 PM via web
  1085. Bought every bottle of lube in the store and are going to coat Davis's office sidewalk with them. Slip and slide, motherfucker. Saturday, December 25, 2010 10:04:12 PM via web
  1086. @Jankowski60 Fuck that. Went with the Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger flavor. Fucking incredible. Saturday, December 25, 2010 9:46:23 PM via web in reply to Jankowski60
  1087. We've loaded up our cart with every fucking "As Seen on TV" piece of shit they have here. Snuggies for motherfucking everyone. Saturday, December 25, 2010 9:45:10 PM via web
  1088. I'm trying to convince Axelrod that we should buy a bottle of Nair and just fucking obliterate his mustache. Saturday, December 25, 2010 9:41:30 PM via web
  1089. The only thing open in this fucking city is a motherfucking CVS. Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I have been wandering the aisles for hours. Saturday, December 25, 2010 9:20:23 PM via web
  1090. Merry motherfucking Christmas, you stupid fucking fucks. Saturday, December 25, 2010 8:14:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1091. Final haul from bell ringing: Carl brought in $22. 73; Robot Axelrod, $271.58; my drummer boys, $321.93. They cost $2k. Fucking Christmas. Friday, December 24, 2010 5:16:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1092. Goddamn it, that's it: I'm paying the fucking bucket-drummer kids $500 an hour to drum for me. Fuck you, Robot Axelrod. Friday, December 24, 2010 1:14:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1093. @Jankowski60 pretty sure a guy can ring a fucking bell on goddamn Christmas Eve and not find his foreskin magically reattached. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:55:08 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Jankowski60
  1094. Carl's back from the tree lot. He bought the shittiest tree ever. Hung one ornament and it bent. What a fucking blockhead. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:40:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1095. @etc_etera I'm just being fucking generous. It's fucking Christmas. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:23:59 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to etc_etera
  1096. @4danlopez fifty-one motherfucking percent. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:18:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to 4danlopez
  1097. Axelrod must have 100 fucking people crowded around him. I need to step it up here. Sending Carl the Intern to the Christmas tree lot. Friday, December 24, 2010 12:15:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1098. Axelrod ducked into the bathroom and came out dressed as one of those silver robot guys. He's going to raise a fucking fortune. Friday, December 24, 2010 11:56:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1099. Right now, Axelrod, Carl the Intern and I are getting fucking creamed by the motherfucking bucket drummer kids. Fuck this shit. Friday, December 24, 2010 10:30:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1100. Plouffe has us out here freezing our fucking asses off bell ringing on State Street. We have a bet going to see who raises the most. Friday, December 24, 2010 10:07:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1101. Last few hours to be like Meeks and get the fuck out of this race. Stay in and I will make the next two months of your life a living hell. Thursday, December 23, 2010 8:33:43 PM via web
  1102. Without Meeks, this race got even fucking boringer. I'm going to be fucking catatonic by motherfucking February. Thursday, December 23, 2010 5:18:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1103. Axelrod and I had a great James Meeks drinking game. Take a shot when he said stupid shit. Could fuck you up in seconds. Thursday, December 23, 2010 5:09:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1104. Hey Meeks, too bad your ass got sacked. Thursday, December 23, 2010 4:43:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1105. Major upside of this residency bullshit being over: I can stop being folksy at your motherfucking El stops. Thursday, December 23, 2010 3:43:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1106. @TheAtlanticWire it was a low fucking hurdle Thursday, December 23, 2010 1:45:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TheAtlanticWire
  1107. @gofiliberto At some point, you'll stop and say, "Holy fuck, I'm the fucking guy arguing religion with a fake Twitter account." Thursday, December 23, 2010 1:15:52 PM via web in reply to gofiliberto
  1108. I feel like a new man. Sent a street boy to fetch the prize turkey. "What, the one as big as me?" No, dumbfuck, the tiny one. Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:54:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1109. @gofiliberto No kidding, huh? Who the fuck died and made you the Talmud? Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:51:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to gofiliberto
  1110. It's no Christmas fucking miracle, it's a Christmas fucking fact. As real as the motherfucking virgin birth. Believe! Thursday, December 23, 2010 12:20:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1111. Fuck yes two times, bitches. Thursday, December 23, 2010 11:56:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1112. Those stupid fucking objectors had to submit their home addresses. Think they'll be getting a visit from the ghost of christmas yet to come. Thursday, December 23, 2010 8:45:12 AM via web
  1113. All you motherfuckers can stick your motherfucking objections up your ass. RESIDENT, bitch. Thursday, December 23, 2010 8:36:06 AM via web
  1114. Been drinking Irish Coffees since two in the morning celebrating this residency shit. Fuck all the motherfucking haters. Thursday, December 23, 2010 7:52:04 AM via web
  1115. ELIGIBLE. Choke on that, you motherfucking bitches. Thursday, December 23, 2010 6:31:58 AM via web
  1116. Now I know why they call it the Nutcracker-I feel like my nuts have been fucking cracked in goddamn half. Wake up Axelrod, this shit is over Wednesday, December 22, 2010 9:54:55 PM via web
  1117. Back when I danced, the Joffrey Ballet meant something. Now it apparently means fat fucking fucks floundering around a stage. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 9:52:48 PM via web
  1118. @mcmamasita fuck you, you stupid motherfucker. Ballet = life. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 8:21:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mcmamasita
  1119. You call that a motherfucking sugar plum fairy? Wednesday, December 22, 2010 8:09:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1120. I would rather rim James Meeks' asshole than have to endure another minute watching the Mouse King waddle around. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 7:52:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1121. It's plié, degagé, motherfucking balancé, you fucking cows. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 7:39:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1122. Seriously, Clara may as well just pull down her tutu and take a shit on the stage. Would be more elegant than her dancing. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 7:29:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1123. Who the fuck is playing Drosselmeyer? He needs to hang up the motherfucking tights. Amateur fucking hour. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 7:17:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1124. Five minutes in, Axelrod's already fucking snoring. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 7:05:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1125. I went with the straight black tux, tie, and shirt. Black Swan, motherfuckers. Let's do this fucking ballet. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 6:34:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1126. Axelrod just showed up dressed in a fucking tuxedo t-shirt. "Let's get this fun over with." Wednesday, December 22, 2010 5:34:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1127. Seriously, you try and try and try, and the Joffrey motherfucking Ballet just fucking judges you anyway. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 5:02:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1128. I'm going to be spending the next two hours figuring out what to wear to the ballet. Nothing is goddamn good enough for those people. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 4:41:23 PM via web
  1129. Busy day driving Axelrod's Civic by other candidate's offices, pelting them with snowballs and yelling "43 points, bitches!" Wednesday, December 22, 2010 3:22:02 PM via web
  1130. Carl's stepmom just gave all of us tickets to the Nutcracker Ballet tonight. First off: What the fuck. Second off: Should be me on stage. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 3:14:49 PM via web
  1131. Seriously, who the fuck releases their tax returns when they know they're filled with lobbying cash? You dumb fucking fuck. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 8:50:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1132. Hey Chico--bend the fuck over, you fucking shitbag. Welcome to the campaign. Wednesday, December 22, 2010 8:44:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1133. @urbancasita Jesus fucking Christ, whatever happened to foreplay? Tuesday, December 21, 2010 9:35:40 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to urbancasita
  1134. Spent the entire day flat on my back tripping on muscle relaxers and not giving a fuck about any fucking thing. It's been fucking glorious. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 8:05:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1135. Holy fucking fuck, I took way too many muscle relaxers for my back. I feel like fucking Gumby. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 12:07:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1136. @rhondarobinett Goudie is an impressively stupid motherfucker. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 11:13:10 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to rhondarobinett
  1137. @stringbot I'm trying to be motherfucking neighborly. Serves me fucking right. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 9:09:50 AM via web in reply to stringbot
  1138. Holy Jesus fucking Christ, I just threw my back out shoveling that 800 pound snow. Fuck fucking motherfuckers. Tuesday, December 21, 2010 8:02:56 AM via web
  1139. Going to pound a beer and txt Favre a picture of my dick. Bears fuck yes. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:46:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1140. Axelrod just showed up. 39 seconds to enjoy this fucking chicken. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:43:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1141. Post-season, you glorious motherfucking motherfuckers. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:40:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1142. Axelrod got the Civic unstuck. Bring that motherfucking chicken home. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:27:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1143. Axelrod just called. The Civic spun out on Elston. With our fucking chicken. Fucking motherfuck these fucking football snacks. Monday, December 20, 2010 9:59:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1144. @Saney Wow, who died and made you John fucking Madden? Monday, December 20, 2010 9:39:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Saney
  1145. Halftime and Axelrod's not back with our Chicken Tikka. Still has 15 deliveries to go. All Carl knows how to make are Hot Pockets. Fuck. Monday, December 20, 2010 9:14:26 PM via web
  1146. Hey Farve, welcome to motherfucking Chicago. Monday, December 20, 2010 8:41:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1147. Motherfucking Chicago fucking Bears fucking football. Fuck yes. Monday, December 20, 2010 8:17:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1148. I'm all for motherfucking winter safety, but Axelrod had better get here with the Chicken Tikka we ordered before kickoff. Monday, December 20, 2010 6:37:45 PM via web
  1149. @litescript the man does not fucking fuck around. Monday, December 20, 2010 6:01:16 PM via web in reply to litescript
  1150. Axelrod just called from "the weathercenter" (what the fucking fuck) to tell us that it's snowing. He pulled over to put snow tires on. Monday, December 20, 2010 5:57:44 PM via web
  1151. @ChuckGoudie Holy fuck, someone paid you to write that bullshit? Monday, December 20, 2010 5:36:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChuckGoudie
  1152. Axelrod's been driving around delivering curry all day, so Carl and I have spent the day playing a fucking wicked game of foosball. Monday, December 20, 2010 5:01:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1153. New office. Carl wired the fucking phones wrong, so the calls are for the curry place down the block. Axelrod's tandoori is amazing. Phew. Monday, December 20, 2010 11:50:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1154. @SamAbernethy no, what's awesome is that they fucking deliver to it. Daily. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:45:01 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1155. Turned in the last paperwork: Seventeen xeroxes of my cock and three of my asshole. Plus my signature. Done. With. This. Shit. Monday, December 20, 2010 10:00:23 AM via web
  1156. Axelrod's Civic had its stereo stolen over the summer. Now the radio he lugs around is stuck on the fucking Christmas songs station. Fuck. Monday, December 20, 2010 9:41:19 AM via web
  1157. @bernhardkappe I'm not your dancing fucking monkey. Monday, December 20, 2010 9:38:01 AM via web in reply to bernhardkappe
  1158. Fuck this--going to bed. Just signed the papers: "Suck it out of my asshole. Yours, Rahm" Sunday, December 19, 2010 9:48:35 PM via web
  1159. Working on writing my last residency briefs for tomorrow. End with just "Fuck You," or "Fuck you, you fucking fucks"? Sunday, December 19, 2010 9:15:03 PM via web
  1160. I would rather be nailed to a motherfucking cross than sit through another five minutes of this fucking marketing presentation. Sunday, December 19, 2010 11:18:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1161. Christmas next weekend means fucking meetings all motherfucking day today. Fuck you, Jesus. Sunday, December 19, 2010 11:13:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1162. That said, Carl the Intern is fucking thrilled. But he still has to wait two more years before he can enlist. Saturday, December 18, 2010 8:52:02 PM via web
  1163. I'm still stunned about the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal. Figured the Senate was going to stuff it up its ass like they do everything else. Saturday, December 18, 2010 8:41:44 PM via web
  1164. @e_y_w the fucking fuck would the point of that be? That shit is written by a fucking part-time communications staffer. Saturday, December 18, 2010 12:23:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to e_y_w
  1165. @AllieRaymond the unfollow button is right over there, you stupid fucking shitbag. Saturday, December 18, 2010 9:46:47 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to AllieRaymond
  1166. Plouffe faxed in a suggestion that we "extend an olive branch" to the other candidates. The only thing I'll extend is my motherfucking cock. Saturday, December 18, 2010 9:32:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1167. Motherfucking fuck this Saturday morning meeting in its motherfucking nostril. Saturday, December 18, 2010 8:57:18 AM via web
  1168. OK, he's standing on the roof of a cop car, trying to knock the lights off it, yelling "sunshine fucking baseball!" We're out. Friday, December 17, 2010 8:29:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1169. Ernie Banks is standing in the middle of Ashland, taking swings at cars as they drive by. Seriously considering fucking leaving him here. Friday, December 17, 2010 8:16:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1170. You haven't lived until you've driven around with Ernie Banks hanging out your window yelling, "You just got fucked by Mr. Cub!" Friday, December 17, 2010 6:11:59 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1171. Ernie Banks' plan: grab his bat, pick up a case of Old Style, and hit the empties through Halpin's front window. Mr. Motherfucking Cub. Friday, December 17, 2010 5:06:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1172. @chrisgeidner Not my fucking fault. They couldn't get it done because they're a chamber of motherfucking cocktards. Friday, December 17, 2010 4:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to chrisgeidner
  1173. Fuck this motherfucking week, it's motherfucking over. Friday night, bitches. Friday, December 17, 2010 4:46:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1174. Riding in the Civic to hook back up with Ernie Banks. Tonight we're going to fuck this town until it can't walk straight. Friday, December 17, 2010 4:30:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1175. New slogan: "Don't fuck with a guy with a huge fucking crawlspace. Emanuel '11" Friday, December 17, 2010 8:37:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1176. Motherfucking coffee. Sweet motherfucking relief. Friday, December 17, 2010 8:15:23 AM via web
  1177. @juggernautco no, what's badass is that they fucking deliver to it. Motherfucking daily. Thursday, December 16, 2010 11:01:31 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  1178. @KenzoShibata Holy fuck, I missed that shit not at all. Hope you had fun hanging out with the fucking losers that showed. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:15:21 PM via web in reply to KenzoShibata
  1179. Gery Chico's just dressed like Gery Chico, but that's because he's seeing "Love and Other Drugs." Again. Thursday, December 16, 2010 10:01:19 PM via web
  1180. Carol Moseley Braun just pulled up with full-sized Master Control head fucking glowing on the back of a pickup. We look like fucking chumps. Thursday, December 16, 2010 9:47:22 PM via web
  1181. Meeks just rolled up to the theater in like a fucking for-real lightcycle. His red suit looks amazing too. Fucking motherfuck. Thursday, December 16, 2010 8:51:48 PM via web
  1182. Standing in this line for Tron with Axelrod and Carl the Intern. These fucking light-up body suits are both demeaning and fucking cold. Thursday, December 16, 2010 8:26:07 PM via web
  1183. Axelrod just threw his light-up Tron Frisbee through the front window. Fuck. Thursday, December 16, 2010 5:36:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1184. Carl brought Peppermint Mochas and Axelrod drank his, but he's lactose intolerant. Now there's puke down the front of his blinky Tron suit. Thursday, December 16, 2010 3:20:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1185. @jewcymag wow, a mention in a list. On the internet. In-fucking-credible. Really. Thursday, December 16, 2010 3:05:07 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jewcymag
  1186. @KenzoShibata just trust me when I tell you that you're looking for the other motherfucker. Thursday, December 16, 2010 2:59:29 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KenzoShibata
  1187. You know the best thing about James Meeks? That he fucking opens his mouth. And fucking crazy shit just rolls on out. Thursday, December 16, 2010 12:38:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1188. If Axelrod doesn't stop talking about Tron soon, I'm going to download his fucking ass into a computer for the next 25 years. Thursday, December 16, 2010 11:39:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1189. Axelrod just showed me the Tron trailer. Holy fucking fuck, grown fucking adults watch that bullshit? Thursday, December 16, 2010 8:19:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1190. @a_claire I'm just going to take a wild fucking guess here and say those last two tweets are going to bite you in the ass come job-search. Thursday, December 16, 2010 8:15:33 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to a_claire
  1191. Jesus fucking Christ, Carl the Intern just walked in. His eyes look like they're having their fucking period. Thursday, December 16, 2010 8:00:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1192. @OniJoseph a motherfucking light up fucking suit. Does that fucking work for you, you dumb motherfucker? Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:58:56 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to OniJoseph
  1193. @imjasondiamond it is motherfucking incredible. Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:55:10 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to imjasondiamond
  1194. That also explains why he's wearing a light-up suit. Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:54:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1195. Turns out Axelrod's mostly moaning about having to wait 16 hours until the midnight opening of motherfucking Tron. Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:53:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1196. Axelrod too: he's sitting in the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas on his motherfucking eyes, moaning. Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:41:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1197. Holy fuck: I've just woken up with a motherfucking raging case of pink eye. I want to claw my eyeballs out of my fucking head. Thursday, December 16, 2010 7:36:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1198. @benbradley7 How the fuck should I know? You're the stupid motherfucker on TV. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:38:40 PM via web in reply to benbradley7
  1199. Freedom! We're floating down the middle of Lake Calumet. There's snow in the air and the stench of shit on our clothes. Magical. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:19:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1200. The plan: We're going to ride Jane Byrne's sex dungeon door down this river of shit and on to motherfucking freedom. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 7:42:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1201. Ate the last Slim Jim. Fucking fuck motherfuck. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 7:31:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1202. Forced open a door and discovered Jane Byrne's secret fucking office. A desk, a wet box of smokes, and a stack of Playgirls from 1981. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 6:57:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1203. @kwithk Verizon. Can you motherfucking hear me now? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:45:53 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to somepolack
  1204. It's actually kind of beautiful down here. Quiet, except for the sound of water flowing. You forget where you are--until someone flushes Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:44:32 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1205. @ellengladish you know, I don't remember a single fucking thing about last night. Blackout. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:40:24 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ellengladish
  1206. Emptied our pockets: 25 Slim Jims, four packs of Nutra Sweet, three pens, and a fucking pocket guide to Midwestern water fowl. So we're good Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:38:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1207. @litescript the fucking fuck would Carl have a flask for, when he filled mine this morning? Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:26:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to litescript
  1208. Downside: looks like we'll be down here for a while. Upside: Axelrod's got like 30 fucking Slim Jims in his fanny pack. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:20:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1209. Someone make a note to remind me that when I'm mayor, first order of business is to fix the fucking City Hall sewer access door latch. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:06:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1210. @cornwuff motherfucking Verizon. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 5:01:17 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cornwuff
  1211. Fucking goddamn motherfuck. I'm fucking stuck down here too. All three of us, in the fucking sewers below City Hall. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 4:53:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1212. Fuck, now Axelrod is fucking stuck under City Hall too. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 3:49:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1213. I don't even know how this is fucking possible, but somehow Carl the Intern is stuck in the sewer pipes below City Hall. Fuck. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 2:46:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1214. @davemcclure it's just really hard to sit with your fucking lips on my sphincter. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:49:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to davemcclure
  1215. @TheAtlanticWire welcome to yesterday. Try to keep the fuck up. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 11:35:44 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to TheAtlanticWire
  1216. Axelrod's watching video of my hearing and listening to the Tron soundtrack. Looked at me in tears: "Life's easier in The Grid." Wednesday, December 15, 2010 10:43:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1217. All water flows downhill. Those motherfuckers in the basement hearing room will be swimming in shit by 1pm. Motherfucking payback. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 10:13:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1218. Sent Carl the Intern over to City Hall. Operation "Clog Every Motherfucking Toilet in the Fucking Place" is underway. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:47:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1219. @TilDthDoUsApl No, I didn't stab someone because I'm a motherfucking professional. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 9:00:00 AM via web in reply to TilDthDoUsApl
  1220. Carl the Intern makes this breakfast that's a pancake wrapped around a hard-boiled egg with a sausage stuck through it. Fucking incredible. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 8:22:39 AM via web
  1221. @davemcclure pull your motherfucking face out of my ass. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 7:34:09 AM via web in reply to davemcclure
  1222. Holy motherfucking mother of god, I need to swim in a goddamn fucking ocean of motherfucking coffee right fucking now. Wednesday, December 15, 2010 7:24:45 AM via web
  1223. Off to eat a steak the size of my head, then go home and punch a fucking mirror until my knuckles are motherfucking pulp. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 5:32:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1224. Well that's over. Motherfucking fucking motherfuck. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 5:08:06 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1225. Some dumb motherfucker... that I hate. Hope you enjoy today. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 3:20:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1226. To each one of you motherfuckers asking me questions: in three months I'll be mayor and you'll still just be some dumb motherfucker. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 3:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1227. Five hours of this testimony and I've come to one conclusion: People are motherfucking assholes. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 2:57:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1228. I am going to drink more alcohol than you can ever possibly imagine when this motherfucking godforsaken shitstorm of a day is over. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 2:12:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1229. These questions are awesome. I'll take "Fuck You In The Motherfucking Armpit" for $500, please. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 11:59:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1230. I swear to god, if Axelrod shows up at lunch break with fucking Subway, I'm going to completely lose my motherfucking shit. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 10:27:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1231. Well here goes motherfucking nothing. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 10:00:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1232. In the bathroom at City Hall trying to dethaw my ballsack at the hand dryer and Dock fucking Walls walks in. Fuck this day. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 9:12:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1233. Someone keep count on how many times I "itch" my eye with my middle finger during testimony today. I bet 352 fucking times. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:57:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1234. Frozen balls, riding the bus, and giving fucking testimony to 25 motherfucking assholes. A+ motherfucking day. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:45:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1235. And the Civic won't fucking start. Axelrod, Carl, and I are riding the motherfucking bus. Fucking perfect. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:41:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1236. Axelrod's outside with a hair dryer trying to unfreeze the fucking fuel line on his Civic. He promises we'll be at City Hall by nine. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 8:19:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1237. I went out to grab the paper and now my motherfucking balls are frozen to my motherfucking leg. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 7:52:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1238. @DJAHa I think you need to look into what a motherfucking mayor actually does. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 7:36:40 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to DJAHa
  1239. Motherfucking six fucking degrees? Fuck this motherfucking bullshit. Tuesday, December 14, 2010 7:32:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1240. @kwithk really, why would I want to follow any of you stupid motherfuckers Monday, December 13, 2010 7:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to somepolack
  1241. @subliculous Carl says you heard fucking wrong. Monday, December 13, 2010 6:33:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to subliculous
  1242. Fuck studying for this motherfucking testimony. Axelrod's back with pizza and beer. Your honor, it's time to fucking drink. Monday, December 13, 2010 6:32:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1243. Motherfucking flag's four stars: Fort Dearborn, the Great Fire, the World's Columbian Exposition, and the Century of fucking Progress. Monday, December 13, 2010 6:26:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1244. Chicago derives its name from the motherfucking Miami-Illinois tribal word for "wild onion." Fuck yes: shikaakwa. Monday, December 13, 2010 6:18:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1245. Did you know there are 77 communities in Chicago? Motherfucking take THAT, Board of Election Commissioners! Monday, December 13, 2010 6:13:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1246. Carl the Intern is cramming for tomorrow's testimony with me while Axelrod is out on a pizza run. Going to be a late motherfucking night. Monday, December 13, 2010 6:05:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1247. Axelrod just got in from gassing up the Walker and his mustache looks like it was part of the Shackleton expedition. Icicles. Monday, December 13, 2010 8:54:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1248. I know it might not send the right message, but we're taking the Imperial Walker to get to the residency hearing. Fuck the Taun-Tauns. Monday, December 13, 2010 8:29:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1249. Who the fuck replaced Chicago with the motherfucking ice planet Hoth? Monday, December 13, 2010 7:58:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1250. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 Have you looked at the city budget? At the state of the schools or the cops? Your fucking side street isn't shit. Sunday, December 12, 2010 8:58:51 PM via web in reply to ashamedtosay
  1251. @ashamedtosay @cholmes96 not my fucking job yet, assholes. Sunday, December 12, 2010 7:05:49 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ashamedtosay
  1252. Motherfucking Cutler is a motherfucking cocktard. Sunday, December 12, 2010 5:55:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1253. I'm going to go outside and have Axelrod whip iceballs at my cock. Has to be more fun than this motherfucking football game. Sunday, December 12, 2010 4:38:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1254. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. What the fucking fuck game is fucking Cutler fucking playing? Sunday, December 12, 2010 4:24:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1255. fuck this motherfucking football game. fuck it right in its snowy motherfucking ass. Sunday, December 12, 2010 4:03:33 PM via web
  1256. Pretty sure it's payback for making Carl follow Chico around this week pretending to record him, just to fucking fuck with his head. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:50:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1257. Carl the Intern scheduled a fucking presser about education in the middle of a goddamn snow storm and the motherfucking Bears game. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:48:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1258. @jollyevil speaking the fucking motherfucking truth right there. I've already had 14 cups. Sunday, December 12, 2010 11:47:21 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jollyevil
  1259. I'm so tired I think I'm going to vomit, and now it's motherfucking snowing like a motherfuck. Sunday, December 12, 2010 8:46:51 AM via web
  1260. Axelrod was waking us up every hour last night as part of his "readiness patrol" and not a single fucking flake hit the goddamn ground. Sunday, December 12, 2010 8:22:25 AM via web
  1261. @KTAndrea you're the dumb motherfucker that lives in Minneapolis. Saturday, December 11, 2010 4:38:07 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to KTAndrea
  1262. Motherfuck this motherfucking rain. Saturday, December 11, 2010 2:22:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1263. Axelrod and I are filling the house with donuts and seeing if we can eat our motherfucking way out. Saturday, December 11, 2010 9:56:02 AM via web
  1264. I don't give a thousand fucking fucks; it is motherfucking finally Friday night. Friday, December 10, 2010 5:15:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1265. @HermannM spoken like someone who hasn't lived within 10,000 motherfucking miles of an actual fucking dictatorship. Friday, December 10, 2010 4:45:28 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HermannM
  1266. Fax from Plouffe : "We need to work on your likeability before your testimony." Faxed him back a picture of my asshole. Friday, December 10, 2010 4:39:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1267. Fucking annoying hearing today that leads to even more motherfucking annoying hearings next week. Democracy is a bitch. Friday, December 10, 2010 4:21:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1268. Holy fucking fuck, I need some motherfucking coffee poured directly into my fucking mouth right this motherfucking second. Friday, December 10, 2010 8:05:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1269. Axelrod is doing yogurt and beer shooters. Thursday, December 09, 2010 8:09:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1270. Motherfucking pro tip: soy sauce and fucking cognac. Motherfucking amazing. Thursday, December 09, 2010 7:53:16 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1271. Getting ready for the residency hearing tomorrow by drinking every motherfucking thing in the kitchen. Up next: Baileys and dish soap. Thursday, December 09, 2010 6:45:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1272. Fuck you, you motherfucking Senatorial fuck-asses. Thursday, December 09, 2010 3:12:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1273. He also says no to pulling down my pants, spreading my cheeks and saying "Eat my motherfucking deep dish." Thursday, December 09, 2010 7:56:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1274. @caribbeanscot the fucking fuck is "workings"? Thursday, December 09, 2010 7:52:24 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to caribbeanscot
  1275. Strategy session for residency hearing: Axelrod says no to pulling my cock out and asking, "You want this shit Chicago style?" Thursday, December 09, 2010 7:49:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1276. Hoffman finally got the final candle lit. That guy sure does know a lot about the motherfucking Maccabees. Fuck me. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 8:18:53 PM via web
  1277. At this point, I'm holding my hand above the menorah, just to feel something. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 6:22:37 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1278. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm really hoping this liquor I've got can last for eight fucking days, because I may be trapped here that long. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 5:49:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1279. Spending the last night of Hannukah with David Hoffman. It might be Yom fucking Kippur by the time he gets all eight candles lit. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 5:24:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1280. Also, he's got a fucking knitted mustache pouch to keep his 'stache warm. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 2:51:56 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1281. Axelrod's taking his heartbreak out in ice sculpture: joining Santo is Elizabeth Edwards, a unicorn, and a fucking sweet T-Rex. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 2:50:19 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1282. @marinos fuck you. Lose the mustache and you lose the man. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 9:46:51 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to marinos
  1283. Axelrod has replaced all his Santo candles with Elizabeth candles. Rough fucking week for that guy. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 9:18:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1284. I would rather stick my dick to a frozen fucking flagpole than answer another motherfucking residency question. Wednesday, December 08, 2010 9:07:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1285. But really, these fucking candidate forums looking absolutely motherfucking awful. Tuesday, December 07, 2010 6:20:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1286. Too motherfucking soon? Tuesday, December 07, 2010 6:15:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1287. I would rather hang out with Elizabeth Edwards' corpse than have to go to one of these motherfucking "mayoral forums" Tuesday, December 07, 2010 6:10:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1288. @pigeonspotting it's not my fucking job to catch you up on tweets you didn't fucking read. Tuesday, December 07, 2010 12:42:55 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to pigeonspotting
  1289. It warms my asshole to see dumb motherfuckers get kicked off the ballot. Tuesday, December 07, 2010 10:40:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1290. So my tenant isn't running for mayor after all. What a fucking motherfucking shock. Tuesday, December 07, 2010 10:24:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1291. Holy fuck, it's motherfucking cold as motherfucking shit outside. Tuesday, December 07, 2010 8:04:05 AM via web
  1292. Elizabeth Edwards was fucking classy--too bad her husband was such a fucking douche-cock. And also about the cancer. Monday, December 06, 2010 5:15:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1293. Standing in front of City Hall, giving the fucking double birds to all these dumb fucks walking into the Board of Election office. Monday, December 06, 2010 10:11:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1294. Motherfucking coffee fucking commence! Monday, December 06, 2010 7:52:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1295. We drove by Chico's house and I pissed "Fuck you you fucking motherfucker" in the snow. Sunday, December 05, 2010 1:24:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1296. Dug out Axelrod's Civic to go buy some boots. Put fucking five lawn chairs and an old ironing board in the spot. Sunday, December 05, 2010 10:50:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1297. Axelrod's outside with a chainsaw carving a motherfucking Ron Santo ice sculpture right now. Saturday, December 04, 2010 2:54:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1298. Also, Carl the Intern won't make me a hot cocoa because he's sitting shiva with Axelrod over Santo. Fuck me. Saturday, December 04, 2010 10:03:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1299. My feet are so fucking numb that I'm considering setting them on fucking fire. Saturday, December 04, 2010 10:02:40 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1300. Worst fucking part is that I'm out here in fucking wingtips because my motherfucking boots are in the attic of my fucking rented house. Saturday, December 04, 2010 8:25:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1301. @Jankowski60 hey dumbshit, it was Bilandic not motherfucking Byrne. Get your shit straight, asshole. Saturday, December 04, 2010 8:21:39 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Jankowski60
  1302. I'm out here fucking shoveling this shit myself because Axelrod has been fucking catatonic since he heard motherfucking Ron Santo died. Saturday, December 04, 2010 8:09:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1303. Fuck this snow. Fuck this snow. Fuck this motherfucking snow. Saturday, December 04, 2010 8:04:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1304. What are you waiting for? Motherfuck every fucking thing, it's Friday fucking night! No snow yet, you assholes get out there! Friday, December 03, 2010 5:11:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1305. Axelrod just ripped the bumper off his Civic trying to attach a fucking plow to it. "Just trying to be prepared." Friday, December 03, 2010 10:31:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1306. You know what's just fucking adorable? That Ed Burke still thinks he fucking matters. Friday, December 03, 2010 9:38:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1307. Motherfuck! The! Sleep! Of! Hoffman! Is! The! Greatest! Sleep! Of! All! Motherfucking! Time! Hoff! Me! Again! Motherfucker! Friday, December 03, 2010 7:59:32 AM via web
  1308. @ChrisFidis uh, you realize that you're talking to a fake account, right? Move along, dumbass. Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:12:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChrisFidis
  1309. @ChrisFidis not my lord, asshole. Thursday, December 02, 2010 6:48:25 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChrisFidis
  1310. Jesus fucking Christ, I almost burnt the motherfucking house down lighting that second candle. Thursday, December 02, 2010 6:35:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1311. Sure, he's a fucking stand-up guy, and I'm fucking glad he's on ou... zzzzzzzzzzzzz Thursday, December 02, 2010 2:12:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1312. Seriously I just look at that motherfucker and I get sleepy. They should stand him outside mattress stores. Make a fucking fortune. Thursday, December 02, 2010 2:03:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1313. Seriously, there is a reason this guy lost to dumb-fucking Alexi. And that reason is he is a motherfucking painfully boring motherfucker. Thursday, December 02, 2010 1:58:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1314. Keep me locked in this room with David Hoffman much longer and I'm going to turn into a fucking arsenic-eating lifeform too. Thursday, December 02, 2010 1:41:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1315. New slogan: "It's 2010, this is for mayor, and Trivial Pursuit is for fucking pussies. Vote Emanuel." Thursday, December 02, 2010 8:09:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1316. And Braun would have a lock if we were competing for placement on a motherfucking Trivial Pursuit card. Thursday, December 02, 2010 8:01:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1317. And Gery Chico would be a threat if we were running for president of the fucking PTA. Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:59:55 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1318. Danny Davis would be a worthy motherfucking opponent if it was 1982. Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:58:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1319. Holy fucking motherfucking fuck, where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee. Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:48:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1320. Thanks to him, we're up to our ears in fucking Hannukah gelt. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 6:53:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1321. Jesus fucking Christ, it turns out that Carl the Intern used to hustle kids on the Dreidel back in Hebrew school. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 6:47:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1322. All this "starting at sundown" shit would be a lot fucking easier if sundown wasn't in the middle of the goddamn afternoon. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 4:14:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1323. @emaufmuth the fucking finger fucks me on Skeeball. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 11:39:13 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to emaufmuth
  1324. I have so much fucking Hannukah shopping to finish. Fuck this motherfucking lunar calendar bullahit. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 9:29:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1325. Axelrod's been standing outside, shovel in hand, for three hours now, like he's Nanook of the fucking North. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:52:23 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1326. @lawstcause who died and made you Tom fucking Skilling? Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:46:43 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lawstcause
  1327. Fuck this motherfucking snow right in its motherfucking nimbostratus cloud formation. Wednesday, December 01, 2010 8:41:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1328. So 21 Chicagoans have filed objections to my candidacy. The other 2,853,093 think I'm fucking amazing. I can live with that. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 4:25:10 PM via web
  1329. Strategy session: We're going to contest everything up to and including the existence of the motherfucking City of Chicago. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 10:25:43 AM via web
  1330. @lakecountydem who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking Talmud? Tuesday, November 30, 2010 9:05:38 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to lakecountydem
  1331. @Positiveinlife no, I'll chop her fucking dick off too. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 8:59:46 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Positiveinlife
  1332. If you are running for mayor of Chicago, do not fuck with me today. I will take this ice pack off my head and chop your fucking dick off Tuesday, November 30, 2010 8:26:10 AM via web
  1333. Post-birthday hangover means that I'm going to make Meeks see motherfucking god for this shit he's pulling with my tenant. Tuesday, November 30, 2010 8:19:01 AM via web
  1334. Stumbling into bed. Wet, hoarse, happy. Fifty-one is going to be all fucking right. Monday, November 29, 2010 11:36:26 PM via web
  1335. The clock's tickin, I just count the hours / Stop trippin, I'm trippin off the power / Till then, fuck that--the world's OURS. Monday, November 29, 2010 10:56:55 PM via web
  1336. Driving Lake Shore Drive in Axelrod's Civic, rain coming in the missing window. Penny, Samurai Mike, and I just fucking freestyling. YES. Monday, November 29, 2010 10:49:02 PM via web
  1337. This trip to Chuck E Cheese just confirms it: I am the motherfucking king of whack-a-mole! Monday, November 29, 2010 9:27:55 PM via web
  1338. Mike Singletary is up on stage with that motherfucking Chuck E Cheese robot mouse. I think Axelrod may choke he's laughing so hard. Monday, November 29, 2010 8:29:32 PM via web
  1339. You haven't fucking lived until you've heard Penny Pritzker do her rendition of the "Samurai Mike" rap from the Super Bowl Shuffle. Monday, November 29, 2010 8:14:40 PM via web
  1340. As a result, we were late picking up Penny and Samurai Mike. They've been drinking the whole time they were waiting. Fucking amazing. Monday, November 29, 2010 8:06:04 PM via web
  1341. Took a while longer to finish up in the City Council than I thought. But I'll tell you this: That shit was a motherfucking masterpiece Monday, November 29, 2010 8:05:18 PM via web
  1342. My ass is a brown fountain of motherfucking justice! Best birthday ever!! Monday, November 29, 2010 6:10:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1343. Heading over to the city council chambers now. I've got to admit: Axelrod's rims do look motherfucking sweet. Monday, November 29, 2010 5:54:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1344. Birthday: (1) take a shit in the council chambers (2) pick up Penny Pritzker and Samurai Mike Singletary (3) taco pizza at Chuck E Cheese. Monday, November 29, 2010 5:39:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1345. Between the Ex Lax and these two boxes of Fiber One, I'm going to be able to craft the fucking Burnham Plan of shit. Monday, November 29, 2010 5:18:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1346. Holy fuck: Axelrod's surprise gift is a bar of Ex Lax and the key to the motherfucking city council chamber. Monday, November 29, 2010 5:10:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1347. I'd expect that Davis will get the memo it's my birthday in about six weeks, and issue a statement in three more. Slow motherfucker. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:52:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1348. Braun just sent flowers though, because she's motherfucking classy. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:49:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1349. Meeks, Chico, and Burris have each sent fake residency papers with the note "I got you what you really wanted." Real fucking funny. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:48:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1350. @ChicagoLeah I call bullshit. Combined birthday / hannukah gifts are a fucking rip-off, except the year my parents got me a go-kart. Monday, November 29, 2010 9:24:02 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChicagoLeah
  1351. Also, Axelrod got spinner rims for his Civic and is trying to pass them off as a present for fucking me. "But you'll look awesome." Monday, November 29, 2010 9:16:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1352. @litescript nah, Axelrod's banned from all the Dave & Busters east of the Rockies. Monday, November 29, 2010 9:13:26 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to litescript
  1353. Axelrod keeps telling me there's a "secret birthday surprise" later. It's always motherfucking Chuck E Cheese. Monday, November 29, 2010 9:08:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1354. Fax from Plouffe: "I got you just what you wanted: An election lawyer that would make Jesus piss his fucking robes." Monday, November 29, 2010 8:43:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1355. Fuck yes: Axelrod brought over a stuffed bear holding a "happy birthday" balloon. I named him Peaches. Monday, November 29, 2010 8:38:45 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1356. Carl the Intern gave me the biggest cup of coffee I've ever seen. It's motherfucking enormous! I'm crying like a baby here. Monday, November 29, 2010 7:58:14 AM via web
  1357. MOTHERFUCKING MIDNIGHT. IT'S MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKERS. Monday, November 29, 2010 12:00:07 AM via web
  1358. Half-hour until it's my motherfucking birthday. You fucking motherfuckers had better have gotten me something fucking nice. Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:32:44 PM via web
  1359. @TraceyWithAnE Really? Fucking really? Fuck you and your g-ddamn motherfucking g-d. Sunday, November 28, 2010 11:31:48 PM via web in reply to TraceyWithAnE
  1360. Alright, front row, asshole. Motherfucking God me, you stupid motherfucker. Sunday, November 28, 2010 10:45:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1361. Heading down to heckle Meeks at his church. He wants to fuck where I live, I'll fuck him right back. Sunday, November 28, 2010 9:42:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1362. Strategy session: Just how fucked are the fucking fucks that are trying to fuck us? Very fucking fucked. Saturday, November 27, 2010 3:26:06 PM via web
  1363. Jesus fucking Christ, dolphins are motherfucking graceful fucking animals. Friday, November 26, 2010 7:22:30 PM via web
  1364. I'm going to watch two DVDs, eat a motherfucking In'n'Out, check out Kanye's dolphin tank, then get on a plane and fight this shit. FUCK. Friday, November 26, 2010 4:52:45 PM via web
  1365. Got back to Ari's with my rental Yaris stuffed with half-price DVDs and Axelrod's standing there: "Your residency is challenged. " Fuck me. Friday, November 26, 2010 4:41:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1366. And Kanye got like fucking 80% off an amazing fucking set of bathroom towels. Bed Bath & Beyond FTMFW. Friday, November 26, 2010 9:04:37 AM via web
  1367. Holy fuck, Carol got the greatest deal on a back massager I have ever fucking seen in my life. Friday, November 26, 2010 9:03:57 AM via web
  1368. Stayed out all night with Carol and Kanye, just walking the fuck around. Now we're hitting the stores. BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY!!! Friday, November 26, 2010 8:29:09 AM via web
  1369. Sitting on a curb with Kanye West, Carol Burnett, a pile of tacos and a bottle of Hennessy. Happy motherfucking Thanksgiving. Thursday, November 25, 2010 10:19:02 PM via web
  1370. Carol Burnett's ordering tacos for the three of us--combo of Cabeza, Tripa, and Buche. She fucking calls it "The Hot Mess." Thursday, November 25, 2010 10:11:20 PM via web
  1371. Fuck this. Me and Carol and Kanye are off to find a motherfucking taco truck. Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:32:36 PM via web
  1372. @club_is_open Who the fuck died and made you the motherfucking dictionary? Excuse a fucking typo once and a while, ass-clown. Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:26:36 PM via web in reply to club_is_open
  1373. @becks58 He certainly seems that way. I tried to talk to him about his work in "K-19: The Widowmaker," and he just said "fuck off." Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:21:40 PM via web in reply to becks58
  1374. This whole fucking dinner is a goddamn waiting game on Axelrod and his motherfucking deep friend turkey. Any fucking time now. Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:15:53 PM via web
  1375. Kanye keeps bragging that his green bean casserole will "knock you on your ass." Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:11:35 PM via web
  1376. Carol keeps hitting on David Geffen and nobody has the heart to tell her she'd have a better shot at a bowl of cranberry sauce. Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:04:58 PM via web
  1377. We're late because Carl the Intern was playing football with Geffen's boyfriend and knocked over the fucking turkey deep fryer on a play. Thursday, November 25, 2010 9:01:25 PM via web
  1378. Dinner was supposed to start an hour ago. I swear to god, I'm going to just start gnawing off my own fucking arm. Thursday, November 25, 2010 8:56:43 PM via web
  1379. Carol's been drinking for like five hours now, and Harrison's been sulking in a corner for some fucking reason. Thursday, November 25, 2010 8:55:19 PM via web
  1380. For dinner tonight, we've got Ari, Geffen & boyfriend, Me, Axelrod, Carl the Intern, Carol Burnett, Harrison fucking Ford, and Kayne West. Thursday, November 25, 2010 8:53:13 PM via web
  1381. I've spent most of the day chasing Geffen's dogs around the goddamn house. They keep jumping up and grabbing shit off the counters. Thursday, November 25, 2010 8:43:49 PM via web
  1382. "Happy fucking Thanksgiving, you motherfucking ass-hats." That's Ari, greeting us at the limo pulled up to his house. Thursday, November 25, 2010 8:53:17 AM via web
  1383. @Sarah_Palin_USA fuck you and your fucking fake account. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 11:18:13 PM via web in reply to Sarah_Palin_USA
  1384. Fucking Ari: "Hey you asshole, I heard you bagged a bird. I'm sending my jet your way. Turkey day in LA—Pants fucking optional." Wednesday, November 24, 2010 8:49:11 PM via web
  1385. They are out of motherfucking stuffing. Fuck every single one of you fucking goddamn motherfuckers right in your fucking face. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 6:35:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1386. There are 100,000 fucking assholes crammed into this Domincks. Get me my stuffing or I'll give you something to be fucking thankfull for. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 6:12:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1387. Plouffe just faxed over the menu for tomorrow. Turns out we picked up the wrong fucking stuffing. Motherfuck. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 6:08:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1388. Axelrod, me, Carl, and the Civic are completely covered in blood. If we get pulled over, this could get motherfucking ugly. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 3:25:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1389. There is so much more blood in a turkey than you'd think. Jesus fucking Christ. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 3:06:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1390. Holy fuck, he got one! Now he's standing there yelling "BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF THE BIRD!" Wednesday, November 24, 2010 11:51:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1391. Details, details: The knife, it turns out, is the only tool Axelrod brought for the hunt. He's chasing birds around a field, knife raised. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 10:45:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1392. Axelrod's been driving this whole time with a knife clenched between his teeth, like he's some kind of motherfucking pirate. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 9:22:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1393. Jesus fucking Christ, Kenosha Wisconsin is a place I never need to go again in my motherfucking life. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 9:12:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1394. On the way to Wisconsin with Axelrod and Carl the Intern to kill a turkey. Carl's crying. Fucking vegetarians. Wednesday, November 24, 2010 8:11:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1395. Axelrod just walked in looking like the motherfucking Deerhunter. Looked me dead in the eye and said, "We bag a bird tomorrow." Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:58:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1396. During the NOLA mayor's race, candidates didn't try to get Hurricane Katrina's motherfucking endorsement. But fucking CPS is OK? Tuesday, November 23, 2010 4:56:16 PM via web
  1397. Hey Chico, I would rather be endorsed by Ed Burke's cum rag than anyone connected with the motherfucking Chicago Public Schools. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 4:31:28 PM via web
  1398. Trying to squeeze out shits that look like Turkey legs to bring to Chico's potluck. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:58:35 AM via web
  1399. Holy Jesus fuck, Carl the Intern forgot to pay the heating bill, so we're all fucking huddled around a goddamn hot pot right now. Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:15:59 AM via web
  1400. I just keep looking at this motherfucking list of candidates and thinking how they all ended up fucking circus clowns. Monday, November 22, 2010 10:53:03 PM via web
  1401. @dannyyadron Oh, no problem: 773-382-5968. Check the keypad, asshole. Monday, November 22, 2010 10:35:47 PM via web in reply to dannyyadron
  1402. @dannyyadron Carl the Intern says call him on his cell, you stupid motherfucker. Monday, November 22, 2010 6:49:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to dannyyadron
  1403. Personally, I see this as a three-way race now: Me, M. Tricia Lee, and all the other sorry fucking assholes. Monday, November 22, 2010 6:27:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1404. I pissed myself laughing at the idea of a motherfucking "Draft Burris Movement." I may vote for that fuck, so he at least gets one. Monday, November 22, 2010 6:20:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1405. I hope this motherfucking monsoon floods the shit out of my former house. Learn to swim, you piece of shit. Monday, November 22, 2010 6:17:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1406. Carl has hooked up the motherfucking coffee IV, so I might be able to overcome this fucking gray fucking day. Monday, November 22, 2010 8:38:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1407. Jesus motherfucking Christ, could it be any more gray and fucking miserable outside? Fuck this shit: stay in. Monday, November 22, 2010 8:01:18 AM via web
  1408. Going over Thanksgiving plans with Axelrod today. He's saying Harold's, I'm saying Popeye's. Fucking fuck. Sunday, November 21, 2010 8:52:36 AM via web
  1409. The decision to only use one endzone in this fucking NU game was made by fucking cocktards. Dumbest fucking game ever. Saturday, November 20, 2010 4:45:44 PM via web
  1410. Motherfucking fucking fuck fuckers. Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:04:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1411. Im sho fuctink fukt on thiz resgidetse shid itz nod efin fungky. Friday, November 19, 2010 8:27:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1412. Sho thag for logos shtit aignt sho fuctink touf Friday, November 19, 2010 8:17:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1413. Penny also brought over four cans of Four Lokos and is offering me $100k for each one I drink. Easy fucking money. Friday, November 19, 2010 5:39:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1414. Axelrod is off at his sixth screening of Deathly Hallows but Penny Pritzker's bringing over a diamond-encrusted bucket of chicken. Fuck yes. Friday, November 19, 2010 5:11:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1415. @aaronmandersen you spend seven hours with Axelrod dressed as Hagrid and tell me if you can do any fucking better. Friday, November 19, 2010 4:57:14 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  1416. Fuck you all of you motherfuckers in the motherfucking asshole, it's finally motherfucking Friday night. Friday, November 19, 2010 4:53:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1417. The first fucking person to file a suit over my residency is going to find my foot taking up residency inside their sphincter. Friday, November 19, 2010 9:00:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1418. And I own a timeshare in the great city of Fuckyouton. Friday, November 19, 2010 8:55:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1419. I will admit that I'm a resident of Theothermotherfuckersaremotherfuckingdisasters-ville. Friday, November 19, 2010 8:53:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1420. Meeks, you keep pushing this residency bullshit and I will cram your cross so far up your ass, it'll take three days just to fucking find it Friday, November 19, 2010 8:43:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1421. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I have a hangover the size of fucking Hogwarts. Friday, November 19, 2010 8:38:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1422. This line is fucking long and fucking cold. And this fucking wizard's cloak is not magically fucking warm. Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:30:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1423. I swear, by the end of this day, I may just stuff this motherfucking wand in my motherfucking ear hole. Thursday, November 18, 2010 3:24:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1424. 3/4 of the way through his retelling, he started crying because Dumbledore was killed. And he hasn't fucking stopped bawling since. Thursday, November 18, 2010 3:19:47 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1425. Axelrod spent most of the 2:30 meeting "getting all of you up to speed on the Harry Potter franchise." Can it fucking be midnight yet? Thursday, November 18, 2010 3:17:51 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1426. I know it's only 8:30, but I need a motherfucking drink. Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:31:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1427. Motherfuck: "Let's use Stupefy on Chico." Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:27:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1428. Fuck: "Let's cast lumos on the budget situation." Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:25:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1429. Strategy session, and every motherfucking suggestion from Axelrod involves a fucking Harry Potter reference. Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:24:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1430. I keep telling Axelrod that I'm going as Gandalf. He's getting so fucking mad I think his mustache might fall off. Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:09:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1431. Axelrod's already getting his motherfucking Hagrid costume together for the Deathly Hallows opening tomorrow. Thursday, November 18, 2010 8:01:39 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1432. Staffing up with a new intern, who just walked in with motherfucking tea. Hey what's-your-fuck, you're out. Thursday, November 18, 2010 7:36:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1433. So now we're all running to be mayor of a city that's so fucking motherfucking broke, we'll all be selling plasma to fund the schools. Fuck. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 6:05:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1434. I mean really, how the fuck do you fucking twat-up a hundred-year lease deal? Just a few coins motherfucking left over? Fuck this shit. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 5:57:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1435. Next parking meter box you see, whip your cock out and fuck the coin return. Coin-slot-sex is the only thing you'll see from the meter deal. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 5:33:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1436. I'm not saying Daley's a bad guy, but his new budget just fucked you in the ass without even saying please. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 5:23:41 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1437. He keeps this residency shit up, and I'm going to cram my motherfucking mortgage documents right up Ed Burke's pockmarked ass. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 11:39:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1438. Hanging out with beat cops today, as my motherfucking Chicago mustache tour continues. Tomorrow: cartoon Italian plumbers Wednesday, November 17, 2010 9:07:58 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1439. Axelrod's been puking most of the night. The price of motherfucking victory. Wednesday, November 17, 2010 8:15:53 AM via web
  1440. Axelrod and this Teamster named Bruno are in the mother of all pizza eating contests. Fucking I kid you not: we're in hour three. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 9:45:29 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1441. @marcgeelhoed Conscience? It's just that 1985 wanted its joke back, you stupid fucking motherfucker. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 6:09:08 PM via web in reply to marcgeelhoed
  1442. Hanging with Teamsters is like hanging with high school kids, but with mustaches. You just eat, drink, and fucking drive around. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 6:06:34 PM via web
  1443. @marcgeelhoed Tell me if you meet one, because clearly you're not the motherfucking guy for the job. Jesus fucking christ. Lesbian jokes? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 6:03:38 PM via web in reply to marcgeelhoed
  1444. @aaronmandersen I'm supposed to know who the fucking fuck that is? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:26:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aaronmandersen
  1445. Another thing about the Teamsters: You have not eaten a sandwich until you have eaten a motherfucking Teamster sandwich. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:23:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1446. @foxchicago Salon's always had good taste. Unlike, say, a motherfucking local Fox News outpost. Go fuck yourselves in the Rupert Murdoch. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:16:40 PM via web in reply to foxchicago
  1447. Been driving with the Teamsters all day. Pulled up to Chico's house in a big rig and blew on the horn. Beep beep, motherfucker! Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:08:49 PM via web
  1448. When I was a dancer, I learned the phrase "mutually assured destruction." Meeks, Davis, and Braun should fucking look it up. Tuesday, November 16, 2010 10:06:21 AM via web
  1449. Holy fucking Jesus fuck. Where the fucking fuck is the motherfucking coffee? Tuesday, November 16, 2010 7:35:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1450. @semibold if it was 1993, I'd totally give a fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 6:05:50 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to semibold
  1451. All Mosley-Braun's signatures and two bucks will buy her a Coke. No idea how much it'd cost her to buy a fucking clue. Monday, November 15, 2010 5:59:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1452. Finally getting Axelrod's out of the shop. Motherfuck. Carl says Mosley-Braun was crowing about having the most signatures. Fuck her. Monday, November 15, 2010 5:57:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1453. @DeclanMellor if they're talking about the pothole on Clyborn, then they're right fucking on. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:31:48 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MCYax
  1454. @detour1999 Jesus motherfucking Christ. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:28:56 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to detour1999
  1455. Shit is so fucking motherfucking fucked that I keep fucking forgetting to fucking swear. Fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:26:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1456. Carl says he got most of the petitions and that they're "mostly just muddy." At least that'll cover the coffee I spilled on them. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:22:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1457. Carl just called Axelrod's Razr: Cart tipped over on Washington, most of the petitions ended up in the street. Not my fucking day. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:15:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1458. @VinnyVanHogh fucking fuck me. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:11:57 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to VinnyVanHogh
  1459. Axelrod's Civic already gets by without a passenger-side windows or radio. Does it really need a differential seal? Monday, November 15, 2010 9:07:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1460. Before he wheeled off with our petitions, I gave Carl head-fake lessons. Chico is about to get the head-faking of a fucking lifetime. Monday, November 15, 2010 9:03:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1461. What the fucking fuck is a "constant velocity joint" and can we get by without one? Monday, November 15, 2010 8:52:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1462. Meanwhile, we're over at the Grease Monkey trying not to get completely fucked on the axle replacement. Monday, November 15, 2010 8:40:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1463. Axelrod's Civic broke an axle on the way to file our petitions today, so Carl the Intern had to steal a cart from Jewel and walk 'em. Monday, November 15, 2010 8:38:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1464. Picked up a Fuckyoupon for Meeks this weekend: 50% off nobody gives a fuck. Monday, November 15, 2010 8:30:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1465. Sleeping motherfucking in today. No more listening tour for you assholes means more sleep for me. Fuck yes. Sunday, November 14, 2010 10:49:50 AM via web
  1466. Axelrod and I are heading over for a celebratory meal at Superdawg. I am going to eat the living shit out of a motherfucking Whoopskidawg. Saturday, November 13, 2010 6:58:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1467. @scarpetablog because they're all fucking assholes? Saturday, November 13, 2010 1:29:20 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to scarpetablog
  1468. And now I have to stand around kissing all of your fucking asses while the weather turns from shitty to motherfucking miserable. Fuck this. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:47:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1469. Christ- sucking cock-holes, that was 45 minutes I will never, fucking ever, get back. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:46:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1470. Speech preview: Despite all of you, I still want to be the motherfucking mayor. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:23:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1471. My god, it's like I'm at a convention of the saddest fucking people in Chicago. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:19:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1472. Who the fuck are these people talking right now? Am I at the wrong fucking event? Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:17:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1473. Speech preview: I've spent these last weeks listening to your problems. And gone home every fucking night and poured bleach in my ears. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:12:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1474. Thank fucking god: Axelrod slipped me a couple fucking shots just now. Here goes motherfucking nothing. Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:06:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1475. We were supposed to do this at 10, but its going to take a motherfucking hour to navigate through all these fucking baby strollers. Go home Saturday, November 13, 2010 9:58:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1476. The only thing that's going to get me through this is knowing that when I shake your hand, mine is covered in cock sweat. Saturday, November 13, 2010 9:44:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1477. Jesus motherfucking Christ, this goddamn Saturday morning announcement is going to motherfucking kill me. COFFEE. Saturday, November 13, 2010 9:21:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1478. Action Items: (1) fucking (2) finally (3) it's fucking (4) motherfucking (5) Friday (6) fucking (7) night Friday, November 12, 2010 4:32:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1479. Finally got Axelrod away from the ping-pong. Never need to look at another motherfucking T-shirt again. Friday, November 12, 2010 4:06:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1480. @SamAbernethy seething hate does wonders for the skin. Friday, November 12, 2010 1:59:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1481. I see Alexi got that Fuckyoupon I sent over. Mason was right: the real profit is when they don't redeem them. Friday, November 12, 2010 1:58:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1482. Can't pull Axelrod away from this fucking ping-pong table. Maybe I need to leave a trail of T-shirts leading out the door, breadcrumb style. Friday, November 12, 2010 12:05:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1483. @aliasvaughn don't even get me motherfucking started. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:35:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to aliasvaughn
  1484. @juggernautco Penny Pritzker calls me regularly. I don't need your fucking dollar. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:33:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  1485. Axelrod: "Do you have any shirts with wolves on them?" That fucking guy is obsessed with wolves. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:32:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1486. Yeah, it really is just a giant fucking pile of T-shirts. Axelrod is wearing about half of them at this point. Friday, November 12, 2010 11:22:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1487. For the next hour I'm going to be staring blankly at T-shirts pretending like I give a fuck. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:54:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1488. @juggernautco why the fuck would I fucking follow any of you assholes? Friday, November 12, 2010 10:52:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  1489. Axelrod's excited though: "I want the one of the cookie drinking a glass of milk." Friday, November 12, 2010 10:42:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1490. Seriously, this city used to build things. Now we're just assholes with novelty t-shirts. I'm with motherfucking stupid. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:34:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1491. Touring some fucking T- shirt company today. T-shirts and coupons? This city is so fucking motherfucking fucked. Friday, November 12, 2010 10:13:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1492. Axelrod also says no to, "I'm not here because I like you fucking twat-warts, I'm here to be your mayor." Friday, November 12, 2010 8:30:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1493. Plouffe's on speaker. Says I should look " fresh faced." If that asshole ever comes to Chicago, I'm going to stick my ballsack in his eye. Friday, November 12, 2010 8:15:36 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1494. Strategy session for tomorrow: Axelrod says, "Why the fuck do you think I'm here, you fucking shitbags." Is "too strong" of an opener. Friday, November 12, 2010 8:10:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1495. I motherfucking need some motherfucking coffee poured down my motherfucking gullet right motherfucking now. Friday, November 12, 2010 7:43:25 AM via web
  1496. Seriously, the thought of Alexi motherfucking Giannoulias entering this goddamn race makes me feel like my fucking brain is on fire. Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:02:14 PM via web
  1497. @cieslak I'm not suggesting it because it's motherfucking EASY you fucking twat-cram. Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:01:26 PM via web in reply to cieslak
  1498. Hey Alexi, I picked up a Fuckyoupon for you too: 75% off your worst motherfucking nightmare. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:51:06 PM via web
  1499. I would rather debate my own fucking ballsack than have to stand at a podium across from Alexi and listen to his dumb fucking mouth. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:47:08 PM via web
  1500. @GrapesofLife Like there is any fucking chance of that in this universe or any fucking other. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:42:50 PM via web in reply to MendezMusings
  1501. I swear to fucking god, Alexi enters the race and I will break my dick off and fuck him in his motherfucking exposed pores. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:42:07 PM via web
  1502. Fax from Plouffe: Alexi's considering making a run for mayor. That's what we need: more motherfucking losers in this race. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:41:15 PM via web
  1503. Hey Chico and Davis, I got you a Fuckyoupon: 50% off getting out of this race with your dick still stitched on. Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:18:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1504. That said, I've gotten 50% off so many motherfucking manicures that my cuticles are going to motherfucking blind you. Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:11:08 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1505. Axelrod has been playing foosball while I've been dragged on this motherfucking tour. How many computers do I have to stand and look at? Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:01:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1506. Seriously, can someone offer these guys 50% off employees that can grow fucking pubic hair? Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:51:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1507. Apparently we're saving the fucking city by thwarting child labor laws. I swear there's nobody in this building above the age of 13. Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:46:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1508. Been on this Groupon tour for 20 minutes wondering why the fuck a 12-year-old is leading it. Turns out he's their CEO. Thursday, November 11, 2010 11:41:52 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1509. @EllenMalloy fuck you and your fucking keyboard Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:18:27 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to EllenMalloy
  1510. Plouffe faxed the schedule. I'm heading to some Internet company today. Like we're going to save the fucking economy with 50% off spa days. Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:08:27 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1511. Seriously, that guy needs to shut his talentless fucking trap before he wakes up one morning to find his hairplugs stuffed up his piss hole Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:57:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1512. You know what's wrong with motherfucking John Kass besides fucking everything? That he actually thinks that "Rahmfather" shit is clever. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:55:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1513. Fuck, I'm so fucking tired that I can't even motherfucking typ. Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:43:55 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1514. Motherfucking cock-bowling shit-cleaners. Where is that fuck-crying qqcoffee? Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:41:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1515. @DanLambert22 sometimes you send a shitbox via the post office, and sometimes you deliver them in person. It was a motherfucking special one Wednesday, November 10, 2010 9:17:38 PM via web in reply to DanLambert22
  1516. I faxed him back a picture of my cock. Fuck this motherfucking Saturday bullshit. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:57:52 PM via web
  1517. As punishment for taking the last two days off, Plouffe just faxed over a press release: I'm announcing on a fucking Saturday. Fuck me. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:25:19 PM via web
  1518. @SamAbernethy I am so fucking far ahead of you on that one it's not even motherfucking funny. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:19:01 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  1519. @SamAbernethy I said that we didn't need to fucking worry about it, but Plouffe insisted. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:09:53 PM via web in reply to SamAbernethy
  1520. @HuffPostChicago actually, I do have a fucking comment: it's a non-fucking story. A fucking publicity stunt by marginalized ward assholes. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 2:50:43 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HuffPostChicago
  1521. @HuffPostChicago no motherfucking comment. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 2:36:28 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to HuffPostChicago
  1522. Text from Plouffe: "Vacation's over, ass-wipes. Back to work tomorrow." Axelrod just mooned my phone. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 2:26:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1523. And you know what? You do to. NOFUCKINGVEMBER! Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:36:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1524. I just want to bend this weather over and fuck it until it hurts. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 12:31:52 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1525. When Axelrod pulled up in his Civic, he was still in his fucking Speedo. "It just feels right." Fuck yes. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 9:08:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1526. @ElectraQ101 I do what I motherfucking can. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:51:30 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ElectraQ101
  1527. Seriously, Axelrod and I are heading to Montrose fucking Harbor. I'll be flying the giant fucking pirate ship. Axelrod's got Hello Kitty. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:50:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1528. Kites, people. Look at this fucking weather. Today it's motherfucking kites. Wednesday, November 10, 2010 8:43:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1529. If this weather holds up, I'll use my political capital in DC to change November to Nofuckingvember! With the fucking exclamation point. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:27:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1530. Standing knee-deep in this fucking water, feeling the sun in my face. If someone hands me a taco al pastor, I'd be happy to fucking die here Tuesday, November 09, 2010 10:49:57 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1531. @gwmusic @immerito Get off your fucking fat asses and hit the motherfucking beach. The fucking winter will fuck you either way. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 10:38:54 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to gwmusic
  1532. Axelrod in a Speedo is a motherfucking magnificent sight. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 10:23:26 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1533. In a few weeks, you're going to be cock-deep in snow. Fuck your job and come to the motherfucking beach, you assholes. Tuesday, November 09, 2010 10:08:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1534. I know I'm supposed to be shaking hands at some fucking factory, but fuck it: Me and Axelrod are heading to the Oak Street Beach. You in? Tuesday, November 09, 2010 9:56:41 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1535. Fuck you, winter! It's motherfucking incredible outside! Monday, November 08, 2010 12:47:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1536. @billthebutcher2 like I'm going to do press for your two-bit motherfucking blog. Monday, November 08, 2010 9:31:11 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to billthebutcher2
  1537. Today's strategy session: Do we actually pretend that Davis and Chico matter, or do we just not give a fuck? Monday, November 08, 2010 9:21:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1538. Fucking motherfucking fuck-loving coffee. Monday, November 08, 2010 7:29:23 AM via Twitter for iPad
  1539. I'd be more excited about this bears win if the experience of watching them didn't feel like stuffing a Q- tip up my fucking urethra. Sunday, November 07, 2010 3:16:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1540. You know what's cute? That Chico thinks he has a fucking chance. Awwwww. Sunday, November 07, 2010 9:23:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1541. Fuck you, Daylight Savings Time, fuck you right in your stupid fucking sun orbit. Sunday, November 07, 2010 8:01:52 AM via web
  1542. @redheadedgirl motherfucking finders motherfucking keepers Saturday, November 06, 2010 1:43:01 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to redheadedgirl
  1543. Whoever called this motherfucking Saturday morning meeting is a motherfucking dead man. Saturday, November 06, 2010 8:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1544. Fuck you, Chicago, it's motherfucking Friday motherfucking night. Time to go the fuck home. Friday, November 05, 2010 5:59:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1545. When I beat you, I'm not sitting down to dinner with you afterwards. I'm not having a fucking beer. When I beat you, you stay fucking beat. Friday, November 05, 2010 4:24:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1546. @MPH777 from a motherfucking camera Friday, November 05, 2010 9:39:27 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to MPH777
  1547. One thing Chicago has that LA doesn't: a fucking soul. Let's head motherfucking home. Friday, November 05, 2010 9:05:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1548. Three things LA has that Chicago doesn't: 1) warmth 2) a shit-ton of rich assholes willing to give me money 3) taco trucks. Friday, November 05, 2010 9:00:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1549. Kid Rock is passed out on a lawn chair and they're still pulling Geffen's dogs out of the pool filter. But I made 500k. Good fucking haul. Friday, November 05, 2010 8:40:28 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1550. "Wake the fuck up, you stupid fucking shitbag." Yeah, good morning to you too, Ari. I can not wait to catch the plane home. Friday, November 05, 2010 8:34:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1551. You know who's awesome? Geffen's boyfriend. Walked over, handed me a beer, and said, "Welcome to motherfucking LA. Get out while you can." Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:53:27 PM via web
  1552. Iger seems to have "lost" his cock-pouch. Just fucking perfect. Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:14:58 PM via web
  1553. Jesus fucking christ this is a fucking disaster. I should have just stayed shaking hands at your motherfucking L station. Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:11:31 PM via web
  1554. So now my fucking money is floating in the pool, while a midget, 80 tiny dogs, David fucking Geffen and Kid Rock splash around. Thursday, November 04, 2010 9:00:24 PM via web
  1555. Seriously there are like 70 fucking tiny dogs freaking the fuck out in the pool. Donation munchkin is trying to fish them out. There he goes Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:57:09 PM via web
  1556. Kid Rock and Geffen got into a fistfight. Crashed through the french doors, off the balcony and into the pool. His dogs are jumping in too. Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:53:49 PM via web
  1557. You know who's fucking classy? Meryl motherfucking Streep. She didn't show, but she sent a really nice card. And $10k. Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:46:25 PM via web
  1558. Bob Iger just showed up just wearing a little leather pouch over his cock. Ari says that's how he's always dressed when he's not at Disney. Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:30:20 PM via web
  1559. Kid Rock just showed up. I feel giddy like a motherfucking schoolgirl. Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:05:33 PM via web
  1560. When the midget walked in, I said "Ari, no." And he said, "Look, you fucking piece of shit, at least it's not a coke mirror on his head." Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:54:31 PM via web
  1561. Ari has a midget walking around with a bowl strapped to his head for people to put money in. "He's your donation munchkin!!" Fuck. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:50:55 PM via web
  1562. David Geffen keeps egging him on. Geffen, by the way, travels with a pack of tiny fucking dogs. There are like 40 of them here. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:45:05 PM via web
  1563. @maxellithorpe I get on an airplane and you know what I do? I motherfucking fall asleep. Takes a fucking flight attended to wake me up. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:43:51 PM via web in reply to maxellithorpe
  1564. "Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuckers!" That's Ari, shouting from the balcony, before jumping into the pool below. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:42:54 PM via web
  1565. @maxellithorpe uh, flying in a motherfucking airplane from motherfucking ORD to LAX will do that to you. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:40:41 PM via web in reply to maxellithorpe
  1566. Ari drives his Telsa about five miles an hour. And whistles at every women we pass. My back fucking hurts from slumping in my seat. Thursday, November 04, 2010 5:26:14 PM via web
  1567. @ryrivard don't get me motherfucking started. Thursday, November 04, 2010 5:16:08 PM via web in reply to ryrivard
  1568. Ari met me at LAX wearing nothing but a chinchilla coat. "Are you ready for this?" he asked, grinning. No I'm fucking not. Thursday, November 04, 2010 5:01:38 PM via web
  1569. Off to the airport to head to LA for Ari's fundraiser. I know he's my brother, but he fucking terrifies me. Thursday, November 04, 2010 10:28:09 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1570. Shit--who knew Russ knew how to use a computer? Now he's fucking bawling again. Thursday, November 04, 2010 10:27:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1571. Downside to this Groundhog Day plan with Feingold: Axelrod's sweater really fucking smells on day three. Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:13:16 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1572. Filled the bathtub with coffee. About to dunk my motherfucking head in it. Thursday, November 04, 2010 7:36:42 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1573. @Cals400 Last I checked, Chicago was about 2,000 miles away from San Francisco. Outta my jurisdiction, thank fucking god. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:16:00 PM via web
  1574. Axelrod cleared all the newspapers, so Feingold still doesn't know. Current plan is to convince him he's fucking stuck, Groundhog Day style. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:12:49 PM via web
  1575. @samhusseini What the fuck, are you fact-checking this bullshit? Get PolitiFact on the horn--some fucking fake account said something! Wednesday, November 03, 2010 10:00:57 PM via web in reply to samhusseini
  1576. @jlfmama Harry Potter? Jesus fucking christ. Stick this on your broom and fucking ride it. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 9:33:24 PM via web in reply to jlfmama
  1577. You know what's fucking awesome? The fact that I'm not in motherfucking Washington anymore. Jesus fucking christ. Have fun, assholes. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 9:28:19 PM via web
  1578. @jlfmama did you really just fucking ask me if I've considered chocolate? I'm a grown fucking man. I 'consider' chocolate all the time. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 9:26:06 PM via web in reply to jlfmama
  1579. Feingold just woke up. Not entirely clear he remembers what happened last night. I'm certainly not going to fucking tell him. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 1:33:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1580. Carl the intern has just been sent on the mother of all coffee runs. There's going to be a world fucking shortage when he's done. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 8:30:59 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1581. Holy fucking shit-bags. Can we get a motherfucking do-over on yesterday? Wednesday, November 03, 2010 7:33:09 AM via web
  1582. Me? I'm up all night. This Night Court thing turned out to be a motherfucking MARATHON. Oh Bull, you gentle fucking giant, hold us all. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:16:28 AM via web
  1583. Feingold passed out. I tucked his jacket around him and am letting the sad motherfucker sleep. Dream the dreams of the righteous, Russ. Wednesday, November 03, 2010 12:10:04 AM via web
  1584. Congratulations on the win Harry, you colossally boring, old fucking man. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:56:54 PM via web
  1585. So it comes down to hoping that Harry fucking Reid pull off Nevada? Is there a Chicago on some tropical fucking island I can be mayor of? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:47:26 PM via web
  1586. Alexi was a dumb fucking sack of shit. But he was OUR dumb fucking sack of shit. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:28:39 PM via web
  1587. Shit motherfucking fuck shitting shit fuckers. Fucking shitbagging tea shitters. Fuck fucking fuck motherfuck. Shit shitting shittingshit Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:21:11 PM via web
  1588. I'm just going to say it right now: The Boehner/boner jokes are too fucking easy. Motherfucking amateur motherfucking hour. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:14:53 PM via web
  1589. You know, I'd feel a lot better about the Democrats retaining the goddamn Senate if they'd all pull their fucking fists out of their asses. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:03:58 PM via web
  1590. Feingold just got here. That motherfucker is seriously a bad place. But things are looking up: "Hey, is that Night Court? Awesome." Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:57:46 PM via web
  1591. Hey Meg Whitman, you can buy anything, but you can't buy motherfucking backbone. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:42:44 PM via web
  1592. If that crazy fucking motherfucking fucking Sharron fucking Angle fucking wins, I'm fucking done with motherfucking democracy. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:27:40 PM via web
  1593. Just interrupted Night Court to say the Dems will lose the House. Hope the next interruption is to tell me that the night is fucking dark. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:20:11 PM via web
  1594. Jesus fucking christ, I can't fucking take it. Axelrod switched over to re-runs of Night Court, and I'm not changing it back. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:02:29 PM via web
  1595. Seriously Russ, it shouldn't have been motherfucking you. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:54:52 PM via web
  1596. @WentRogue why the fuck would I want to follow any of you fucking cock-stomps? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:50:22 PM via web in reply to WentRogue
  1597. Making a call to Feingold, trying to get that asshole over here to drink with me and Axelrod. What the fuck else does he have to do now? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:40:34 PM via web
  1598. I know it's great if Alexi wins, but seriously: We'll all have to stare at his dumb fucking face for the next six years. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:39:27 PM via web
  1599. @penwhen Go after a party that doesn't even fucking matter, while my own party just wallows in their own mediocrity? Dumb fucking advice. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:37:58 PM via web in reply to penwhen
  1600. How is it that motherfucking Colorado is emerging as the most sane fucking state in the union? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 9:28:08 PM via web
  1601. Yep, it was. Might need a motherfucking band-aid though. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:54:31 PM via web
  1602. Contemplating snapping my cock in a mousetrap. Has to be better than the rest of these fucking results. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:47:32 PM via web
  1603. @ourmaninchicago get in fucking line. Currently in a drinking contest with the whole motherfucking world, apparently. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:44:07 PM via web in reply to ourmaninchicago
  1604. That Rand Paul speech almost made me choke on my own motherfucking vomit. Six years of that asshole. Six fucking years. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:25:45 PM via web
  1605. Axelrod just went out to get more beer and about 75 fuck-it buckets of chicken. This night calls for a good old-fashioned deep-fry wallow. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:22:09 PM via web
  1606. Fax from Plouffe is coming in now. It just reads "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." I'm assuming a C-K will come in eventually. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 8:03:00 PM via web
  1607. Wins in Connecticut, Delaware, and West Virginia. Someone want to chalk one up in a motherfucking state that motherfucking counts? Tuesday, November 02, 2010 7:55:57 PM via web
  1608. The New Democratic Party: We can beat the shit out of wrestlers and witches. Regular old nutjobs? Not so fucking much. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 7:36:48 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  1609. You know shit is bad when your highlight reel has to include a guy who won against a motherfucking anti-masturbation ass-crazy witch. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 7:21:27 PM via Tweetie for Mac
  1610. Axelrod is insisting that Paul is a Senator, not a congressperson. I'm insisting that her pour me another dozen drinks before I accept it. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:34:13 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1611. @chetFarley jesus-fuck I need to drink more before I can process that sentence. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:31:30 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to beardofprey
  1612. You know, it's really not that the Republicans are going to win tonight, it's that the ones that will are all motherfucking crazy. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:25:07 PM via web
  1613. Holy motherfucking Jesus fucking Christ, we do not have anywhere near enough alcohol to get us through this fucking night. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:10:08 PM via web
  1614. I present to you the new motherfucking Congressperson from Kentucky, Rand Paul. And people wondered why I got out when I did. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 6:07:31 PM via web
  1615. Axelrod and I are debating whether it makes more sense to get drunk now or wait until West Coast polls close. Fuck it. Now. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 5:59:51 PM via web
  1616. @duey23 I say have fun with Mayor motherfucking Hendon then. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 4:42:05 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to duey23
  1617. Alexi just called to thank me, except it came out sounding like "Tankoo f'ya vode." I get dumber every time I talk with that motherfucker. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:40:52 AM via web
  1618. Just voted. Yep, that felt just as shitty as I thought it would. Ah, motherfucking democracy. Tuesday, November 02, 2010 7:23:33 AM via web
  1619. Claypool actually seems like a smart motherfucker. Or maybe it's just that Berrios makes me vomit into my fucking mouth whenever I see him. Monday, November 01, 2010 10:36:46 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1620. @Calamity_Meg Fucking vote or fucking shut your shit-hole. Monday, November 01, 2010 6:59:08 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Calamity_Meg
  1621. I know that's not a ringing fucking endorsement, but seriously: they're both as dumb as a sack of cocks. But the other guys are dumber. Monday, November 01, 2010 6:55:21 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1622. I would rather wet my ballsack and stick it to a frozen fucking flagpole than vote for Quinn and Alexi tomorrow. But I am anyway. Monday, November 01, 2010 6:41:18 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1623. OK, I'm on the roof if the museum of science and industry. Axelrod's got a ladder set up. Fucking christ, I've gotta lay off the sugar. Monday, November 01, 2010 9:00:53 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1624. I'm on a roof. All I see up here with me is the head of Benny the Bull and about 700 motherfucking Brady for Gov yard signs. Uh... help? Monday, November 01, 2010 8:35:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1625. Where the fuck am I? What the fuck happened last night? And why the fuck am I wearing nothing but Payton's retired jersey? Monday, November 01, 2010 8:00:45 AM via Twitter for iPad
  1626. The stars are red and the sky is striped with blue. I baptize myself in the lake's frigid waters. I AM REFUCKINGBORN. Sunday, October 31, 2010 10:32:40 PM via web
  1627. I look out the window and the Hancock and the Sears reach out and kiss each other tenderly. My fucking tears taste like celery salt. Sunday, October 31, 2010 9:15:12 PM via web
  1628. John Belushi and Harold Washington are swimming in the river. Their bodies bleed together in the dark murk of the water. FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Sunday, October 31, 2010 9:04:20 PM via web
  1629. Caught in a fucking candy-corn haze. Jean Baptiste Point du Sable and Papa Bear Hallas are dancing. Axelrod's mustache sings like an angel. Sunday, October 31, 2010 8:51:02 PM via web
  1630. Holy fuck, I've eaten so much candy corn that I think I can see through motherfucking time! Sunday, October 31, 2010 6:09:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1631. Guy came to my door in the most fucking amazing Zombie Pat Quinn outfit. Then I realized it was actually just sad-shitting Quinn himself. Sunday, October 31, 2010 2:24:59 PM via Twitter for iPad
  1632. Just bought a little fake blood sprayer I can attach to my finger stump. These fucking trick or treat kids will shit their diapers. Sunday, October 31, 2010 9:34:34 AM via Twitter for iPad
  1633. The scariest part of Halloween this year is the realization that I'm going to be voting for motherfucking Alexi in three days. BOO! Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:58:15 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1634. @jeremyschultz (1) when the fuck was that? (2) the unfollow button's right over there. Saturday, October 30, 2010 11:35:05 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jeremyschultz
  1635. I would try to sum up my night, but I'll just leave it at "Who wants to open up this can of fruit?" Holy shit-fucking-christ-fuck. Saturday, October 30, 2010 8:31:14 AM via web
  1636. Me, I'm going as Mr. Schuester from Glee. I love that motherfucking show so fucking much it fucking scares me sometimes. Friday, October 29, 2010 5:40:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1637. Jody Weis is supposed to be there too. That stupid motherfucker always comes to this shit in his uniform--"I'm going as a hero." Fuck off. Friday, October 29, 2010 5:17:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1638. Also, fucking Flores is supposed to be there. Assuming he's going dressed as a ten-year-old girl because that's what he looks like anyway. Friday, October 29, 2010 5:07:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1639. Supposed to go to a halloween party at Carl the intern's apartment tonight. Word is Schiller's wearing a "sexy can of fruit" outfit. Fuck. Friday, October 29, 2010 4:58:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1640. Fuck you, you fucking motherfuckers, it's finally motherfucking Friday. Friday, October 29, 2010 4:39:35 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1641. Shit-fucking fuck-shitters, it's motherfucking cold out here! Friday, October 29, 2010 9:07:04 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1642. Holy jesus fucking christ-hole, I have a massive chicken hangover. Friday, October 29, 2010 8:36:48 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1643. Axelrod just came over with a fuck-it bucket of chicken. This night just got a whole motherfucking lot better. Thursday, October 28, 2010 8:53:00 PM via web
  1644. Fucking fuck-stained fuck-trombones. Thursday, October 28, 2010 8:03:43 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1645. New slogan: "Your other choice is Rickey fucking Hendon. Emanuel '11" Thursday, October 28, 2010 8:08:07 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1646. 13 voicemails from Hendon yesterday reminding me that he was a "real"candidate. No you're not, Rickey. No you're fucking not. Thursday, October 28, 2010 7:53:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1647. When I finish this cup of coffee, I'm going to dump the filter and fuck the grinds. Thursday, October 28, 2010 7:04:17 AM via web
  1648. New slogan: "I mostly feel sorry for you, you pathetic fucking shit-tards. Emanuel '11" Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:41:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1649. @stringbot have fun with that, you stupid fucking cocktard. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:35:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to stringbot
  1650. But really, when I look at this fucking pathetic field and the most credible candidate casts dicks in cement, I mostly feel sorry for you. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:31:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1651. Dear Chicago, I'm sorry that 21 years of Daley gave you a field of fucking pussies. And me. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:18:12 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1652. @Blago4Mayor fuck off, you stupid fucking fake account. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 5:16:09 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Blago4Mayor
  1653. Axelrod's telling me I need to do more at this news conference than let them film my motherfucking victory lap. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 12:47:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1654. Strategy session: do we just hold the fucking election early? Or do we not fucking bother at all? Seems like a fucking formality now. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:54:34 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1655. Hey Chicago, meet the new motherfucking sheriff in town. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:51:25 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1656. So I see that motherfucker Dart got that shit-box I sent him. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 10:49:24 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1657. @Orcaspapa the unfollow button is right over there. Wednesday, October 27, 2010 7:24:45 AM via web in reply to Orcaspapa
  1658. C-fuck-O-fuck-F-fuck-F-fuck-E-fuck-E Wednesday, October 27, 2010 7:13:21 AM via web
  1659. Now there's motherfucking blue motherfucking skies out there. This goddamn wind storm can fucking blow me. Tuesday, October 26, 2010 10:23:52 AM via web
  1660. COME ON YOU FUCKING WEATHER, IS THIS THE BEST YOU FUCKING GOT? Tuesday, October 26, 2010 7:49:06 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1661. Axelrod's calling up from the basement, telling me I shouldn't be up on the roof yelling, "BRING IT ON, YOU WINDY MOTHERFUCKERS." Monday, October 25, 2010 10:34:05 PM via web
  1662. Axelrod's refusing to come up from the basement. Pretty sure that motherfucker's eaten most of the canned peaches. Fuck me. Monday, October 25, 2010 8:28:49 PM via web
  1663. @MichaelSterchak The way we deal with everything: Axelrod's digging a motherfucking trench. Monday, October 25, 2010 8:22:42 PM via web in reply to MichaelSterchak
  1664. Batten down the hatches, motherfuckers! Monday, October 25, 2010 8:19:10 PM via web
  1665. Axelrod's mustache was back today after its week off. Good to have that bushy motherfucker back. Monday, October 25, 2010 6:37:49 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1666. Fuck your fucking Monday morning right in its fucking puckered fucking pink fucking asshole. Monday, October 25, 2010 7:26:36 AM via web
  1667. @dgordon52 Nice math, Ein-fucking-stein. How do you explain the last fucking umpteen years? Sunday, October 24, 2010 7:19:04 PM via web in reply to dgordon52
  1668. Cameos too--you put that shit into your fucking face-hole and you think, "Motherfucker, I am eating a fucking apple." Sunday, October 24, 2010 3:31:33 PM via web
  1669. I swear to fucking god, Honeycrisp apples are motherfucking twat-licious! Sunday, October 24, 2010 3:17:38 PM via web
  1670. By the way, fuck this fucking team. Sunday, October 24, 2010 1:13:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1671. Hey Chicago, get your hands off your fucking cock and get the fuck outside. It's motherfucking incredible out here. Sunday, October 24, 2010 1:00:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1672. Fuck-trampling shit-eclipse Sunday, October 24, 2010 10:47:12 AM via Twitterrific
  1673. @quintoCT who the fuck died and made you Microsoft fucking Word? Saturday, October 23, 2010 8:25:57 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to quintoCT
  1674. Fucking Christ, morning at the Apple Store, afternoon at Whole Foods. Suck it out if my asshole, Lincoln Park! Saturday, October 23, 2010 7:16:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1675. Who wants a MacBook Air.with a side of asshole? Order fucking up. Saturday, October 23, 2010 1:55:14 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1676. And seriously, there is an entirely different class of douchebag that shows up at an Apple Store opening in Lincoln fucking Park. Saturday, October 23, 2010 1:47:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1677. The fuck is Plouffe sending me to store openings for? What's next, being a motherfucking greeter at the Pullman Wall-Mart? Saturday, October 23, 2010 1:43:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1678. If you think I'm getting out of fucking bed on a rainy Saturday, you're out of your motherfucking cock-holed mind. Saturday, October 23, 2010 12:09:17 PM via web
  1679. Axelrod just showed up with a fucking case of toilet paper. We're going to TP the living shit out of Dart's house! Friday, October 22, 2010 6:50:41 PM via Twitterrific
  1680. @jem0622 you're in the wrong fucking business Friday, October 22, 2010 4:54:18 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jem0622
  1681. Chicago, it's really fucking easy: put down the fucking mouse, walk out the fucking door, it's fucking Friday. Friday, October 22, 2010 4:34:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1682. @mspec what the fucking motherfucking fuck would I do that for? Friday, October 22, 2010 4:33:02 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to mspec
  1683. @yellowcardigan good point. Motherfucking 9,999. Friday, October 22, 2010 4:10:52 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to yellowcardigan
  1684. I'm going to have to drink ten thousand motherfucking beers to make this day motherfucking better. Friday, October 22, 2010 4:06:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1685. Axelrod just pulled up in his Civic, gave a beep and I went out. The thing has DART RULES spraypainted across the motherfucking hood. Friday, October 22, 2010 7:24:15 AM via web
  1686. Sheriff Woody from Toy Story is more of a real lawman than that cocktard Dart. "There's a motherfucking snake in my boot." Thursday, October 21, 2010 6:05:43 PM via web
  1687. Axelrod just called me from the impound. Dart's goons hauled his fucking Civic in. Oh, it's motherfucking on now, you fucking motherfuck. Thursday, October 21, 2010 5:50:53 PM via web
  1688. If Dart's rent-a-cops pull over Axelrod's Civic one more time, I'm going to stuff my fist so far up his ass my stump will tickle his uvula. Thursday, October 21, 2010 3:36:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1689. Sufficiently coffeed. Alright, Chicago, I'm going to fuck you in the fucking face today. Thursday, October 21, 2010 8:28:08 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1690. But, I'd rather be on a flight to LA than have to tour another pathetic fucking school. Today's might as well be the Oliver Twist Academy. Thursday, October 21, 2010 7:54:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1691. So Ari is throwing me a fundraiser soon, except he keeps calling it a "fuck-raiser." I don't even know what that fucking means. He scares me Thursday, October 21, 2010 7:40:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1692. Christ, I'm so fucking tired I forgot to swear in that last tweet: Fucking motherfucking shit cock ass fuck twat. Feeling better already. Thursday, October 21, 2010 7:33:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1693. I've asked Axelrod to come over and just pour the coffee straight into my mouth while I'm still lying here. "I'll be right over!" Thursday, October 21, 2010 7:12:10 AM via web
  1694. dong-clamping shit-cannons Wednesday, October 20, 2010 7:58:08 PM via web
  1695. Axelrod tells it's not a word but jesus fucking christ it's going to take a bazillion fucking dollars to save these fucking schools. Wednesday, October 20, 2010 2:36:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1696. Going around the public schools with Huberman today. That guy smells like motherfucking sadness. Wednesday, October 20, 2010 8:04:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1697. Watching Alexi and Kirk debate is like fucking a sackful of dumb. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 7:36:52 PM via Twitterrific
  1698. @Ward_Room fuck you in your motherfucking peacock. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 5:55:06 PM via Twitterrific in reply to Ward_Room
  1699. Next time I even hear the motherfucking name Billy Dec, I'm slamming my cock in the door of Axelrod's Civic. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 2:41:31 PM via web
  1700. That was a half-hour I'll never fucking get back. On the upside, the Rumble in the Jungle Turkey Wrap at the Rainforest Cafe--tasty! Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:43:10 PM via web
  1701. Fuck me. He's wearing his "dressy" baseball hat. Asked Axelrod to circle the block one more time. Considering jumping into traffic. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:17:06 PM via web
  1702. Jesus fucking christ, apparently it's take-a-lunch-meeting-with-a-raging-douchebag day. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:09:22 PM via web
  1703. You want to know my definition of hell? This motherfucking lunch meeting that the fucking communications intern set up with Billy Dec. Fuck. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:04:33 PM via web
  1704. @mspec I would rather punch myself in the cock six times a day than have to say motherfucking "Willis Tower" Tuesday, October 19, 2010 9:12:47 AM via web in reply to mspec
  1705. I'm going to close my eyes and imagine a coffee pot as big as the motherfucking Sears motherfucking Tower. Tuesday, October 19, 2010 8:00:16 AM via web
  1706. Anyway, a week without that mustache just went from a slog to a motherfucking full-fledged shit-wallow. Monday, October 18, 2010 8:54:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1707. David says it's just taking a few days to see the fall colors in WI, but really: what fucking mustache takes off two weeks before midterms? Monday, October 18, 2010 8:50:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1708. Seriously, if that motherfucking 'stache is talking to fucking Meeks, I'm going to lose it. Monday, October 18, 2010 8:48:20 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1709. Today was one never-ending fucking strategy session. Workloads doubled when Axelrod's mustache announced it was taking the week off. Monday, October 18, 2010 8:46:48 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1710. Really, what's a few motherfucking million raised? Don't fucking worry, Dart, I'm sure someone will give you some cash at some point. Monday, October 18, 2010 3:47:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1711. Shit-shaking dong-stompers Monday, October 18, 2010 8:27:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1712. I really did try to listen to that fucking debate. But as soon as Quinn opens his mouth, I feel like a little part of me cock-plucking dies Sunday, October 17, 2010 10:31:29 PM via web
  1713. @ChicagoPR because then I have to listen to all of your bitching and complaining even when I'm not shaking your fucking hand. Sunday, October 17, 2010 8:46:31 PM via web in reply to ChicagoPR
  1714. Fucking motherfucking fuck-shitting ass-cocked Bears. Sunday, October 17, 2010 2:47:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1715. Fuck your motherfucking Sunday morning, I'm sleeping until goddamn noon. Sunday, October 17, 2010 8:59:21 AM via Twitter for iPad
  1716. Fucking shine on, you motherfucking amazing fucking sun Saturday, October 16, 2010 1:05:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1717. Of course Axelrod waltzes into the meeting like he drank nothing last night. That motherfucker's liver is made of motherfucking Teflon. Saturday, October 16, 2010 11:03:50 AM via web
  1718. Holy shit-cocks, I should have stopped at nine beers last night. My fucking head is going to fucking explode at this breakfast meeting. Saturday, October 16, 2010 8:39:00 AM via web
  1719. Dear First Name, Plouffe assures me that we're going to have an actual fucking communications team in place soon. The intern is a cocktard. Friday, October 15, 2010 5:40:25 PM via web
  1720. Dear First Name, Who's got one and a half middle fingers, six beers, and doesn't give a fuck if I got your name right? This guy. Friday, October 15, 2010 5:34:08 PM via web
  1721. Dear First Name, Fuck you in your fucking pie-hole, you stupid motherfucking snatch-drip. Yours, Rahm Friday, October 15, 2010 5:27:52 PM via web
  1722. So the email started "Dear First Name." That was Plouffe's quick fix to the original: "Dear Motherfucking Twat-tards," Friday, October 15, 2010 5:20:48 PM via web
  1723. Fucking Friday fucking starts fucking right fucking now. Friday, October 15, 2010 4:02:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1724. Right about now I'm getting that sinking fucking feeling that I was served motherfucking decaf. Friday, October 15, 2010 8:40:10 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1725. Jesus Christ-twat on a fuck-dong Thursday, October 14, 2010 11:14:02 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1726. If I'd have known the field was going to end up this fucking limp-dicked, I'd have stayed in Washington through the fucking midterms. Thursday, October 14, 2010 4:10:46 PM via web
  1727. New slogan: "Vote Rahm: because Jesus cock-Christ, look at the other fucking guys." Thursday, October 14, 2010 3:58:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1728. @chitownpolitics I am trying incredibly motherfucking hard not to respond "that's what she said." Thursday, October 14, 2010 3:52:44 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to chitownpolitics
  1729. Seriously a debate with these shit-galoids will end with me crushing my cock with the podium, just to feel SOMETHING. Thursday, October 14, 2010 3:43:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1730. Unless motherfucking Oprah motherfucking Winfrey enters this race, it's going to be me against a field of dong-tards and shit-eaters. Thursday, October 14, 2010 3:38:09 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1731. Is it too late to get in on the fucking Attorney General race? Come on, Madigan, let's do this! Don't leave me with Hendon and Flores. Thursday, October 14, 2010 3:33:50 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1732. I actually wanted Madigan to run. Have you seen the rest of the shit-tards that have announced? Give me someone fucking competent. Thursday, October 14, 2010 12:42:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1733. New slogan: "Bring back that first miner feeling. Emanuel for motherfucking mayor." Thursday, October 14, 2010 7:45:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1734. What has brought this city closer together than feeling motherfucking one with 33 people stuck in the ground of another continent? Nothing. Thursday, October 14, 2010 7:41:46 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1735. I know it's not reasonable but, deep fucking down, I bet you too wished they'd continue to pull Chileans up from the ground forever. Thursday, October 14, 2010 7:36:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1736. I woke up with a hardhat in my hands, looked up at the hole Axelrod and I drilled in the ceiling and just started fucking weeping. Emptiness Thursday, October 14, 2010 7:34:50 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1737. @featherchick By all fucking means, enjoy a Chicagoless Illinois. I'm sure that'd work out just fucking wonderfully for you. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:33:22 PM via web in reply to featherchick
  1738. @ericzieg fuck me and those fucking meters. Just park the fucking car. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:27:45 PM via web in reply to ericzieg
  1739. So everyone's up from the mine? Jesus fucking Christ-twat... now what? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:25:59 PM via web
  1740. @featherchick wouldn't it make more fucking sense to just say "Madigascar"? Same fucking point, better fucking reference. Also: fuck her. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:24:57 PM via web in reply to featherchick
  1741. @amanda2581 do I come into your kitchen and tell you how to motherfucking cook? Wednesday, October 13, 2010 8:06:07 PM via web in reply to amanda2581
  1742. I find the Chilean Miner rescue incredibly moving. Once this last guy is up, we're going to send 'em all back down, right? Fuck yes. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 8:00:54 PM via web
  1743. You would be amazed just how many different kinds of food you can stuff through a 12" hole. Axelrod got an entire fucking Turkey through. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 7:58:27 PM via web
  1744. Axelrod just came over and we're both wearing hardhats and only eating food we can cram through a motherfucking 12" hole. This is the life. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 5:41:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1745. @ampersands1 yeah, I'm not fucking worried about fucking that. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 5:03:38 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ampersands1
  1746. Been on BBM with Plouffe, selling him on my "stuck in a mine" strategy. (1) don't have to shake fucking hands (2) in 90 days you'll love me. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 5:01:22 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1747. If you need me today, I'll be at home watching CNN and bawling like a motherfucking baby. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:35:22 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1748. I've got Axelrod looking into where to get one of those miner rescue elevators so I can ride one around Ed Burke's lower fucking intestine. Wednesday, October 13, 2010 8:55:23 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1749. New slogan: "Because Chicago is in a deeper fucking hole than the fucking Chilean Miners. Vote Rahm." Wednesday, October 13, 2010 8:49:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1750. Fuck yes, you chilean miner sons-of-bitches, fuck yes. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 11:00:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1751. Would someone fucking pledge to @WBEZ already so those sad fucking radio-tards will shut the fuck up? Tuesday, October 12, 2010 5:10:32 PM via web
  1752. Jesus fucking cock-twats: Biden is in town? Fucking christ, I'll be hiding out in a goddamn undisclosed location for the rest of the day. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 12:59:35 PM via web
  1753. Someone fucking needs to fucking bring me a fucking coffee this very fucking second. Tuesday, October 12, 2010 8:12:56 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1754. Scowling through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days Monday, October 11, 2010 8:59:28 PM via web
  1755. Scowling my way through the Columbus Day Parade, Ed Burke said I had a case of the Mondays. More like the Can't-Fucking-Stand-You Days Monday, October 11, 2010 8:57:22 PM via web
  1756. @ChicagoPR I'm trying to pretend like it never fucking happened. Monday, October 11, 2010 6:22:16 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ChicagoPR
  1757. @SamAbernethy do I need to draw you a fucking diagram? Monday, October 11, 2010 6:11:49 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1758. New slogan: "Hey Chicago: Just park in the fucking space and be done with it. Emanuel '11" Monday, October 11, 2010 6:09:17 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1759. Yet here I am fucking "listening" to all you fucking v-holes prattle on and on about fucking potholes and parking meters every fucking day. Monday, October 11, 2010 6:05:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1760. Fucking seriously, doesn't Flores have any "listening" to do? Come on: Carol Mosley Braun doesn't have to "listen" to any motherfuckers? Monday, October 11, 2010 6:02:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1761. Suck-fucking shit-balloons Monday, October 11, 2010 6:00:27 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1762. @ryrivard what kind of stupid motherfucker would server their fucking hand below the wrist? What a stupid fucking statement. Christ. Monday, October 11, 2010 5:58:00 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ryrivard
  1763. Hey Saugansh, come shake the disembodied hand of Rahm Emanuel tomorrow, while I'm busy not giving a fuck about you somewhere else. Monday, October 11, 2010 5:43:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1764. Seriously considering having my shaking hand amputated and sending it around the city alone so I can get some actual fucking work done. Monday, October 11, 2010 5:38:33 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1765. Dick Mell is the king of the pepper and egg. Eats three or four of them every morning. Ends up smelling like a sulfur bath all day. Monday, October 11, 2010 9:33:14 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1766. I refuse to choke down another fucking pepper and egg sandwich. Seriously, how has this entire city not died from a coronary? Monday, October 11, 2010 9:26:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1767. So which godforsaken corner of this motherfucking city an I headed to today in this never-ending dick-slamming tour? Monday, October 11, 2010 8:14:35 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1768. Just looked over Plouffe's itinerary for the week. It is fucktacularly stupid. How long does this goddamn listening tour have to last again? Sunday, October 10, 2010 9:23:28 PM via web
  1769. Axelrod's mustache finished the cock-shocking marathon in 5:38. Sunday, October 10, 2010 7:18:18 PM via web
  1770. Congratulations marathon runners! You're 26.2 miles closer to a motherfucking knee replacement! Sunday, October 10, 2010 5:19:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1771. snatch-haunting fuck-trailers Sunday, October 10, 2010 4:44:00 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1772. I know I'm supposed to say you're all heroic athletes, but I just saw a guy in a chicken suit puke up a Cliff Bar at mile fucking three. Sunday, October 10, 2010 9:15:19 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1773. Christ, in going to have to shake a lot of fucking sweaty hands today, aren't I? First sign of bloody nipples and I'm fucking GONE. Sunday, October 10, 2010 8:47:30 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1774. @ramsincanon if anyone can tell me about eating shit, I'm sure it's you, douchebag. Saturday, October 09, 2010 11:36:06 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ramsincanon
  1775. @rocketslide you know what I really need? Not a single more motherfucker writing campaign bullshit for me. Saturday, October 09, 2010 11:34:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to rocketslide
  1776. @ourmaninchicago When you knocked up your old lady, I was running the country. When you're wiping shit, I'll be running the city. Jealous? Saturday, October 09, 2010 7:31:41 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ourmaninchicago
  1777. Also, Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the baby strollers. Did you spend the two goddamn years I was gone just fucking non-stop? Saturday, October 09, 2010 6:11:24 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1778. Jesus motherfucking Christ, I hope to never see another Winter Squash in my motherfucking life. Fuck you and your fucking farmers' markets. Saturday, October 09, 2010 5:20:29 PM via web
  1779. Plouffe just faxed over the itinerary. I've got to hit 13 farmer's markets. Here's a secret: edible greens scare the shit out of me. Fuck. Saturday, October 09, 2010 8:47:35 AM via web
  1780. Axelrod's on his way over with a bucket of chicken, a growler of Half Acre and his copy of "2012." TGIMFF Friday, October 08, 2010 6:24:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1781. @Zirinsky a pollster for the GO-fucking,P is going to lecture me about fucking "shelf life"? You've been selling rancid ideas for years. Friday, October 08, 2010 4:28:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Zirinsky
  1782. I just became the mayor of Fuck You in the Fucking Face, it's Friday on @foursquare Friday, October 08, 2010 4:13:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1783. I will tell you this though: stand on a fuckingL platform long enough and you will see every shade of vomit known to man. Vibrant! Friday, October 08, 2010 4:04:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1784. Why is it the only fucking places I find you people are riding the El or stuffing your fucking face? Or, worst, both? Friday, October 08, 2010 3:51:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1785. How did you know that listening to you bitch was exactly what I wanted to do on a beautiful fucking Friday? Friday, October 08, 2010 3:47:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1786. On conference call, Plouffe said, "We need something less polarizing," then faxed over this: http://tinyurl.com/28wlltx motherfuck Friday, October 08, 2010 9:51:12 AM via web
  1787. Axelrod says no way: "Remember when the Bulls won for the sixth time and it felt like getting fucked on a pile of ponies? Vote Rahm." Friday, October 08, 2010 9:20:47 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1788. Axelrod also dismissed Ari's idea of a movie where politicians team up with cartoon characters to fight an intergalactic menace. Fuck fuck. Friday, October 08, 2010 9:09:02 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1789. Strategy session. Axelrod thinks "I want to be like motherfucking Rahm" is a bad campaign slogan. The fuck? It worked for Jordan. Friday, October 08, 2010 8:49:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1790. Good motherfucking morning, motherfuckers Friday, October 08, 2010 7:01:29 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1791. fucking cock-sanding shit-branding, I am tired. Thursday, October 07, 2010 10:22:57 PM via web
  1792. @Junkokajino これは冗談のアカウントです Thursday, October 07, 2010 10:21:41 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to Junkokajino
  1793. By the way, the final motherfucking bread-roll count? Thirty-fucking-two. In at once. Mama Regenstein vomited into the salad plate. Thursday, October 07, 2010 7:51:16 PM via web
  1794. Jesus Christ-on-a-fuck, that's four hours of my life I'm never going to get back. Alexi is as dumb as the fucking day is fucking long. Thursday, October 07, 2010 7:42:27 PM via web
  1795. Alexi is "entertaining" the guests by seeing how many dinner rolls he can stuff in his fucking mouth. He's up to seventeen. Thursday, October 07, 2010 5:59:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1796. If Obama doesn't show soon, I'm out. Have been stuck inside the Gianoullias dong-vortex for a motherfucking hour now. Thursday, October 07, 2010 5:34:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1797. Dinner with Obama at Alexi fundraiser. Fucking Alexi--getting caught chatting with him is like being sucked into a black hole of cocks. Thursday, October 07, 2010 4:05:56 PM via web
  1798. OK West Garfield Park, come get your hand shaken. I promise when elected you'll see me less than you see the inside of a unicorn's vagina. Thursday, October 07, 2010 1:10:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1799. Just got cut off on West Madison by a fucking cupcake truck. Eighth one I've seen. The fuck is up with you and cupcakes you fucking fatties? Thursday, October 07, 2010 12:30:40 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1800. Nothing like a money-swim to get a guy feeling in cock-shape again. Axelrod, pull your Civic around: I've got some fucking hands to shake Thursday, October 07, 2010 12:11:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1801. Penny keeps a money room in her house, and dives into it like she's Scrooge McDuck. We've been swimming in it all morning. Fucking glorious Thursday, October 07, 2010 11:19:38 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1802. Dow over 11,000 on the same day I'm going on a listening tour of Penny Pritzker's pocketbook? Eyes on the sky for a twat-rainbow. Trifecta! Thursday, October 07, 2010 8:02:21 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1803. Tick-tock, shit-cocks. Time to wake up. Thursday, October 07, 2010 7:28:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1804. Fuck it. I'm fucking sick. I'm fucking tired. It's a fucking "America's Sweethearts" kind of night. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 9:59:54 PM via web
  1805. @strategy_samba First, not "everyone" can swear--fucking Mormons, for one. Second, the motherfucking "unfollow" button is right over there. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 8:13:42 PM via web in reply to josephpettini
  1806. I'm going to go for a jog up Waguespack's motherfucking colon if he comes back around again. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 8:03:52 PM via web
  1807. And there he fucking goes a-fucking-gain: jog-jog-jog. WHAT THE FUCK?! Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:56:15 PM via web
  1808. @scarpetablog I guaran-fucking-tee you that you fucking don't want to hear my fucking thoughts about those fucking guys. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:55:02 PM via web in reply to scarpetablog
  1809. @MATTVAS the unfollow button's right over there, motherfucker. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:54:31 PM via web in reply to MATTVAS
  1810. Waguespack keeps jogging by my house. Little short-shorts. I'm just standing in the front yard, birds up, waiting for the motherfucker. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:49:31 PM via web
  1811. @JessicaGalliart Fuck off. Plouffe's already got seven dozen poster variations up his ass. I don't need your motherfucking posters too. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 6:01:51 PM via web in reply to JessicaGalliart
  1812. Yes alderman, I am fucking delighted to have dinner at Harold's Chicken Shack. These motherfucking arteries aren't going to clog themselves Wednesday, October 06, 2010 5:54:01 PM via web
  1813. @katrinacabrera I could give a fucking motherfucking fuck. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 5:44:56 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to katrinacabrera
  1814. Fucking fuck-shitting motherfucking shit-fuck motherfuckers. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 3:17:34 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1815. I would rather punch myself in the cock every hour on the hour than have to sit through something that humiliating again. Fucktard Tower. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 2:53:57 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1816. Michaels keeps interrupting the board's questions by standing up, opening his bathrobe and yelling "TALK TO THE COCK!!" Fucking fuck fuckers Wednesday, October 06, 2010 12:34:47 PM via web
  1817. Apparently it's just me and Randy Michaels in bathrobes at the Tribune Tower. The king of the fucking ass-clowns. Great. Thanks, Plouffe. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 11:25:48 AM via web
  1818. Sick, wearing nothing but a fucking bathrobe, going to meet with the Tribune Editorial Board. "That's their dress code," e-mails Plouffe. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 10:10:17 AM via web
  1819. @Harpsiii just so you know, I would never in a hundred-motherfucking-years say that. Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:43:41 AM via web in reply to Harpsiii
  1820. Whichever one of you motherfuckers got me sick, you can go vote for Rickey fucking Hendon. To the rest of you--who's got some fucking soup? Wednesday, October 06, 2010 7:10:01 AM via web
  1821. @ciaraorourke believe me when I tell you that his moustache can fucking take it. That motherfucking thing will outlive us all. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:58:28 PM via web in reply to ciaraorourke
  1822. Shrimp-sock fish-cock. I'm done with this fucking day. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:12:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1823. Cock-weeping shit-bananas Tuesday, October 05, 2010 5:05:07 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1824. Christ, when this day is over, I'm going to devour an entire Eli's fucking cheesecake like I'm a motherfucking Cathy cartoon. Ack! Tuesday, October 05, 2010 3:32:53 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1825. Manny Flores just drove by and chucked a can at me while Axerod's trying to change this tire. Fucking. Worst. Fucking. Day. Fucking. Ever. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 3:10:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1826. Just fucking perfect: Axelrod's Civic just broke down in Chinatown. Again. Cock-stump. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 2:21:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1827. Please, fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top, stuff your camera into my face again, you fucking snatch-hole. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 1:28:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1828. "I'm not a bitch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you." Tuesday, October 05, 2010 12:42:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1829. Shitting-fuck-sausage. How do you fucking people eat like this? Tuesday, October 05, 2010 11:58:00 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1830. Who the fuck is in charge of cleaning the CTA stations? Because at this point I wouldn't mind taking a fucking meeting with that asshole. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 9:18:37 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1831. Text from Plouffe: "try to grimace less when shaking hands." One of these days I'm going to give that motherfucker a reason to grimace. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:47:01 AM via web
  1832. Jesus fuck-chomping Christ, everything's shit-shape today. Tuesday, October 05, 2010 8:32:32 AM via web
  1833. @iambradk they're not going to fucking take me off of fucking anything, you fucking muff-wish Monday, October 04, 2010 10:36:15 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to iambradk
  1834. frick-fucking crimp-cramming dick-jammers Monday, October 04, 2010 8:26:45 PM via web
  1835. After consulting with this four-pack of Gossamer Ale, it's decided: Axelrod's mustache can do the fucking listening tour on its own tomorrow Monday, October 04, 2010 7:39:42 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1836. @michaelroston you know what "real" Chicagoans fucking LOVE? Motherfucking ass-catchers from New York fucking City tellng them what they do Monday, October 04, 2010 7:17:11 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to michaelroston
  1837. What I learned on today's listening tour: You know what's wrong with Chicago? Every fucking motherfucking thing. Monday, October 04, 2010 4:32:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1838. Jesus shit-painting nut-Christ, February is way fucking far away. Monday, October 04, 2010 4:08:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1839. I'm going to have to drink an entire fucking bottle of Purell when I get home from all this shit-blasting hand-shaking. Monday, October 04, 2010 10:33:41 AM via web
  1840. If this motherfucking listening tour doesn't start with listening to someone make me motherfucking breakfast, I'm gonna stomp a cock. Monday, October 04, 2010 7:26:30 AM via web
  1841. Fuck this game right in its fucking shit-sack. Axelrod had the right idea: He fell asleep in the middle of the first quarter. Sunday, October 03, 2010 10:32:43 PM via web
  1842. Fucking dong-choke, if I was invited to a zoning board meeting right now I'd go in a heartbeat--has to be more exciting than this game Sunday, October 03, 2010 9:26:03 PM via web
  1843. Plouffe emailed to say that even if my listening tour tomorrow is spent listening to cock-bulbs complain about this game, I still have to go Sunday, October 03, 2010 9:19:03 PM via web
  1844. Jesus fucking Christ-on-a-Cock, could this Bears game be any more fucking boring? Helen Shiller plays better motherfucking ball than this. Sunday, October 03, 2010 9:00:37 PM via web
  1845. Solis just stopped by and was all, "Oh, you guys are watching the game?" Now I'm chucking my chicken wing gristle at his huge fucking head. Sunday, October 03, 2010 8:25:29 PM via web
  1846. @sleidigh maybe not for YOU, you motherfucking dong-crusted shit-slurp Sunday, October 03, 2010 7:14:58 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to sleidigh
  1847. @megancarpentier I've got something you can "catch up" with, you fucking hyphenated curse-word. Sunday, October 03, 2010 6:57:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to megancarpentier
  1848. @Fortitude1913 I've got a fucking "thin crust" you can gnaw on, you fucking cock-fizzle. Sunday, October 03, 2010 6:55:42 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Fortitude1913
  1849. If Axelrod doesn't get back here with a Home Run Inn deep dish before the game starts, I'm going to dunk his fucking head in the fuck-tank. Sunday, October 03, 2010 6:36:59 PM via web
  1850. motherfucking dick-cramping fuck-jumpers Sunday, October 03, 2010 4:45:19 PM via web
  1851. @NikiConrad I've got a special fucking announcement just for you: fuck you, you fuck-jogging cock-lump. Sunday, October 03, 2010 3:52:27 PM via web in reply to NikiConrad
  1852. @NikiConrad yeah, because we're only making one fucking video. Head back to the lab, Albert fucking Einstein. Sunday, October 03, 2010 3:36:09 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to NikiConrad
  1853. If Axelrod says "...and action!" one more time like he's Martin fucking Scorsese I'm going to cram his Flipcam into his fucking colon. Sunday, October 03, 2010 2:43:55 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1854. @windycitybeer No fucking way. Touch that guy and you're wiping orange mystic tan off your hands for a motherfucking week. Sunday, October 03, 2010 2:03:36 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to windycitybeer
  1855. Axelrod's shooting my "special video announcement" (WTF?) for tomorrow. Wants me to say "Daley's stewardship" and I keep saying "sewer-shit" Sunday, October 03, 2010 1:47:54 PM via web
  1856. @braak too many s's, huh? Suck my screaming shit-sack, you siamese suck-shrimp. Sunday, October 03, 2010 1:40:13 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to braak
  1857. @brfreed let's see you do better, you fucking nut-flapper. Sunday, October 03, 2010 1:37:46 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to brfreed
  1858. 183 emails from Plouffe later, and the suck-fucking webtards still made a site that looks like Barack's: http://www.chicagoforrahm.com/ Sunday, October 03, 2010 1:30:32 PM via web
  1859. Holy fuck-smacks, where's the shit-coughing coffee? Sunday, October 03, 2010 8:33:44 AM via web
  1860. A cold, rainy October night? Someone tell Axelrod to pack his charts and head fucking home, I'm watching "1408." Boo, you fucking cock-tards Saturday, October 02, 2010 9:05:37 PM via web
  1861. Axelrod has been standing outside my house in the rain all fucking day. Stopped knocking hours ago. What a shit-sad moustache he's got on. Saturday, October 02, 2010 8:18:12 PM via web
  1862. The top-fucking fuck-topper: Burke. Saturday, October 02, 2010 5:21:31 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1863. I would rather snap a mousetrap inside my own asshole than take a meeting with Jody fucking Weis. Saturday, October 02, 2010 4:12:01 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1864. Thing I like about Quigley: that the dong-fountain calls me "sir." Thing I don't like: motherfucker thinks Saturday is a good day to drop by Saturday, October 02, 2010 10:00:01 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1865. muff-shitting fuck-towers Saturday, October 02, 2010 9:46:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1866. @juggernautco theoretically, I'd tell you that I've got something you could motherfucking waltz with, you fucking cock-stamp. Friday, October 01, 2010 5:18:13 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to juggernautco
  1867. @jaketapper christ, that you even have to ask that question explains everything a person has to know about the fucking state of journalism Friday, October 01, 2010 5:16:27 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to jaketapper
  1868. Home. I'm going to crack open this Half Acre tallboy, pop in "Serendipity," and put my feet up. Fuck all of you in your cock-soaked armpits. Friday, October 01, 2010 4:58:04 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1869. @BDayspring ...because, and I'm fucking serious here, if you don't, I could send you and Cantor a fucking list to get you fucking started. Friday, October 01, 2010 4:48:23 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BDayspring
  1870. @BDayspring please-fucking pretty please with fucking sugar on top-tell me you have better things to do than follow fake accounts on twitter Friday, October 01, 2010 4:45:39 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to BDayspring
  1871. "Hey Rahm, David. I was thinking about strategies for the 32nd ward..." Fucking dick-trimming shit-sorcerers, I'm going to toss this phone. Friday, October 01, 2010 4:32:18 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1872. 23 cock-socked, twat-fingered voicemails from Plouffe. In two hours! How many more before he figures out I'm not fucking answering? Friday, October 01, 2010 4:26:44 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1873. There is a pothole on the fucking Kennedy Expressway that I swear just made me cough up my sphincter Friday, October 01, 2010 3:47:15 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1874. DCA > OR-MF-D Friday, October 01, 2010 10:37:31 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1875. Vilsack's halitosis is like breathing through a scuba tank full of dongs. Friday, October 01, 2010 10:01:05 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1876. Only thing getting me through this fucking thing is knowing my shaking hand is covered in cock sweat. Friday, October 01, 2010 9:45:33 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1877. Rouse just waddled up, panting like a leg-fucking schnauzer. "Sorry I'm late." Yeah, you fuck-hat, I'm sure you are. Friday, October 01, 2010 9:32:43 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1878. LaHood just pulled up in his fucking electric clown car. This fucking ceremony is going to last a dong-capping lifetime isn't it? Friday, October 01, 2010 9:15:12 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1879. Hey Steny Hoyer, check your mail today: You just got shit-boxed. And I'm sure there's enough in there to pass around. Friday, October 01, 2010 9:04:13 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1880. Dear Washington Press Corps, suck it out of my asshole, you fucking third-rate, cock-handed, twat-cobbler hacks. I will miss you not at all. Friday, October 01, 2010 8:58:44 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1881. Thank god it's motherfucking shit-scratching cock-bleeding Friday. Friday, October 01, 2010 7:40:47 AM via web
  1882. Last goddamn night in this fucking shit-coffin of a town. Thursday, September 30, 2010 10:19:44 PM via Twitterrific
  1883. @SpeakerBachmann You do realize you're fucking with a fucking fake account, right? You fucking crazy ass-tard. Thursday, September 30, 2010 9:46:15 PM via web in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  1884. @SpeakerBachmann I would rather crawl back to my "corrupt hole" than be anywhere near yours. Thursday, September 30, 2010 9:03:47 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  1885. Been eating Fiber One all day so I've got enough shit to go around tomorrow. Lieberman, be sure to check your mail: you just got shit-boxed. Thursday, September 30, 2010 7:52:26 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1886. Salazar just came up with a fruit basket. Ken, unless you want me to insert these into your colon one-by-one, get the fuck out of my face. Thursday, September 30, 2010 4:58:37 PM via Twitterrific
  1887. @SpeakerBachmann Lady, I have twenty-fucking-four hours before I can fucking tell you exactly what I fucking think of you. Thursday, September 30, 2010 4:52:42 PM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to SpeakerBachmann
  1888. I would rather slam my dick in a door than look at the motherfucking yard sign samples Plouffe just emailed. Thursday, September 30, 2010 2:59:58 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1889. Gibbs keeps looking at me and his eyes well up, like he's eating the dong-berries right off the pussy-bush Thursday, September 30, 2010 2:15:30 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1890. @ryanwynia give it a little time, ass-hammer Thursday, September 30, 2010 2:11:03 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ryanwynia
  1891. Another thing about Rouse: Hope you like your morning briefings around 11:45, because cock-asses that motherfucker can sleep in. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:48:03 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1892. Apparently they went with Rouse because the potted fucking bamboo in the fucking East Room was too busy. Too bad, the bamboo says more. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:32:25 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1893. @KidTronzy watch your fucking mouth you fucking douche-fuck. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:24:12 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to AndyM_Reyes
  1894. Jesus fuck-Christ, I told them that if they're going to go with Rouse, they'll have to find another billion in the budget for donut runs. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:19:10 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1895. I walked into the briefing today, birds up, and said "Hey snatch-warblers, you've only got one day left with this bitch." It's official. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:06:38 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1896. If Dick Mell leaves another VM promising to be a "kingmaker," I'm going to pry all the keys off this phone and stuff them up his urethera Thursday, September 30, 2010 8:13:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1897. -a-doodle-doo, assholes. Wake the fuck up. Thursday, September 30, 2010 6:37:11 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1898. Cock Thursday, September 30, 2010 6:36:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1899. Shitting cock-face, I stayed up way too late watching "Must Love Dogs" again. And I gotta deal with fucking Vilsack in the morning. Fuck me. Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:33:06 AM via web
  1900. Fucking cum-fisted douche-faucets Wednesday, September 29, 2010 9:40:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1901. @PatQuinnsBrain I got something you can kiss, you brain-dead fuck. Who elected you again? Wednesday, September 29, 2010 3:01:50 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to PatQuinnsBrain
  1902. I would rather lick the balls of the entire Chicago city counsel than have to deal with the fuck-nuggets in the House for another 10 minutes Wednesday, September 29, 2010 2:25:23 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1903. @fifteenideas Like I'm going to take time out from running the fucking country to go look at your fucking site. Stick a mouse up your ass. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 1:41:45 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to fifteenideas
  1904. Geithner never stops talking. You can be standing there, double birds in his face and your cock hanging out, and he's all blah blah blah... Wednesday, September 29, 2010 12:04:28 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1905. I'm not a motherfucking giant Snoopy balloon, so I will not appear at your motherfucking parade. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 11:00:51 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1906. @nunncookchicago I got your sayonara right here. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:40:25 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to EmilyRNunn
  1907. @LexInterior I would rather punch myself in the cock every day than have to move to Portland fucking Oregon. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:40:03 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to LexInterior
  1908. So Axelrod is blathering on about a "new Burnham plan" and I just look him square in the eye and say, "fuck you, you fucking mustache-face" Wednesday, September 29, 2010 10:02:20 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1909. I really fucking hope that I get to stay on hold with Comcast Chicago all goddamn day. Yes, please, transfer me again. Wednesday, September 29, 2010 9:31:31 AM via Tweetie for Mac
  1910. cock-clomping fuck-wasters Wednesday, September 29, 2010 7:43:39 AM via Tweetie for Mac
  1911. Axelrod tells me "Who replaced Chicago with this shitfest?" isn't a good slogan. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 3:32:45 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1912. Another thing about Duncan: for being so tall, that guy is a fucking pussy when it comes to the head-fake. Make him jump every goddamn time. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 2:50:11 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1913. Christ, the fuck train got derailed on its way to bullshit junction today. I blame Duncan. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 2:43:54 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1914. Most of the lunch briefing was spent deciding whether I should drive down K Street yelling "sionara, bitches!" Or "fuck you very much!" Tuesday, September 28, 2010 2:21:05 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1915. I will miss sneaking juice boxes with Sasha. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:01:36 PM via Seesmic for Android
  1916. @emilyhilleren just drop one motherfucker. Problem solved. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:19:33 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to emilyhilleren
  1917. @SamAbernethy seems like a fucking redundancy, if you ask me Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:17:29 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SamAbernethy
  1918. @Tony_Bosco how's that bankruptcy working out? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:04:19 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to Tony_Bosco
  1919. @cubsfanrpt don't do me any fucking favors Tuesday, September 28, 2010 10:02:12 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cubsfanrpt
  1920. @cubsfanrpt yeah, well if you could work on them to stop holding their cocks and start holding some bats, that'd be great. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:55:59 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cubsfanrpt
  1921. We're all supposed to go out their with our dicks swinging in the snow? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:45:54 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1922. Wait a second: who the fuck holds a fucking election in Chicago in fucking FEBRUARY? Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:42:49 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1923. @SennettReport I got your "piquant" whenever you want it, Frank. Just bend over. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:40:24 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SennettReport
  1924. Jesus shit-Christ is it awkward around the office today. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:24:03 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1925. @stringbot that sounds about fucking right. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 9:15:06 AM via Tweetie for Mac in reply to stringbot
  1926. @gapersblock I'm keeping my eye on you kids. Step outta line and I'll get my NSFW all over your fucking keyboard. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 8:39:20 AM via Twitterrific in reply to gapersblock
  1927. @spielfogel just give me a fucking reason to yell. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 8:25:39 AM via Twitterrific in reply to spielfogel
  1928. Some mornings coffee is like standing underneath a twat-rainbow while fucking a thousand puppies in the mouth. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 8:22:32 AM via Twitterrific
  1929. @jsb "care about the future of Chicago"? How about the puking PRESENT of Chicago? It's ass-handles like you that make me glad to leave DC Tuesday, September 28, 2010 7:57:10 AM via Twitterrific in reply to jsb
  1930. You know who I'm not going to miss at all? Mich McConnell. That guy is the king of the fucking pansy-shitters. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 7:50:48 AM via Twitterrific
  1931. .@BIAk_xs_THE_ you need to shut your motherfucking spam account down right now, or I swear I will crawl through the wires and do it for you Tuesday, September 28, 2010 7:46:06 AM via Twitterrific
  1932. @amyjacobson where will I live? I'll just roll out a sleeping bag and sleep in the middle of their fucking bed. Who's house? Rahm's house! Tuesday, September 28, 2010 7:41:05 AM via Twitterrific in reply to AmyJacobson
  1933. Also, Sneed: stop talking about yourself in the third person or I swear to god, I will break my dick off and fuck you in the hair follicles. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 7:37:46 AM via Twitterrific
  1934. Cocking shit-shiners it's late. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:43:32 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1935. @cloaker take a streaming dump in Daley's old toilet, naturally. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:37:41 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cloaker
  1936. @cloaker I'll show you some fucking swagger. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:30:54 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to cloaker
  1937. @ericzieg Fuck the fucking meters. Have you looked, even for a second, at the debt? The meters are a cock-hair in an ocean of shit Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:21:35 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to ericzieg
  1938. @SennettReport you'll be thanking me for a whole lot more than fucking that come February. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:15:32 AM via Seesmic for Android in reply to SennettReport
  1939. Shit-screw you in your fucking cock-hole. Tuesday, September 28, 2010 12:07:17 AM via Seesmic for Android
  1940. @eaglie we're trying to get a peace deal brokered. Don't start provoking the fucking Egypt auto-tweet account and fuck it all up for us. Monday, September 27, 2010 11:59:33 PM via Seesmic for Android in reply to eaglie
  1941. @thomascbowen fuck that @speakermadigan douchecannon right in his earhole. 10:49 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to thomascbowen
  1942. @DanielLibit yeah, and I'm sure the "Chicago News Cooperative" (the fuck: do you sit around braiding each other's hair?) gets right on that. 10:43 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to DanielLibit
  1943. @FakeDavidMamet it's only words, unless they're motherfucking true. 10:40 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to FakeDavidMamet
  1944. .@FakeDavidMamet fuck you and your fucking fake account. 10:31 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to FakeDavidMamet
  1945. @chitownpolitics I'll end you too, in a fucking heartbeat. Just so we understand each other. 10:27 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to chitownpolitics
  1946. Fuck-sucking douchenuts. 10:24 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1947. @rstevens that sounds about fucking right. 10:20 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android in reply to rstevens
  1948. I swear to god, if I never have to see another cherry blossom as long as I goddamn live, it'll still be too fucking soon. 10:06 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1949. Hey @jaketapper, you wanna talk "breaking," how about I break my foot off inside your colon? 9:58 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1950. Goddamn right Bears win. 9:48 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1951. If the Bears fuck this up, my entire platform is going to revolve around burning that stadium to the fucking ground. 9:34 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1952. Hey @ourmaninchicago, I got something you can one-and-done. 9:31 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1953. Someone tell @joshtpm to shut his asshole before I have to hop an Acela Express and do it my goddamn self. 9:29 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Seesmic for Android
  1954. Someone tell those fuckwads at @politico to shut their fucking trap, or I'll fucking END THEM. 9:11 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Tweetie for Mac
  1955. fuck you right in your fucking face-hole. 8:52 PM Sep 27th, 2010 via Tweetie for Mac
  • Name Rahm Emanuel
  • Location Chicago, IL
  • Bio Your next motherfucking mayor. Get used to it, assholes.
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